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TflE 

RICH OLD BACHELOR. 



THE 



RICH OLD BACHELOR? 



it 



DOMESTIC TALE* 



IN THE STYLE OF DR. SYNTAX. 



BY A LADY. 



What is ttcII meant should be well received. 



Ward, Printer, Canterbury. 
1824. 












205449 
'13 



DEDICATION, 



1 HIS very humble production is most re- 
spectfully dedicated to a British public, 
confident the generous heart of an English- 
man cannot treat with contempt that which 
humbly sues for his protection. StiSi I feel 
an apology is necessary for obtruding a work 
of so little merit, in a literary age like this: 
let me then plead my cause before you. — 
Allow me to say, I reside in the country, in 
a situation in life, where my children and 
domestic concerns occupy the greatest part 
of my time ; the following was the amuse- 
ment of my leizure hours, written with the 
hope of leaving a few useful hints to those 
children, when my warning voice shall be 
heard no more. No literary friend to advise 
or correct ; and I with truth declare, without 
the least assistance from any one, it appears 
before you in the simple garb of unlettered 
nature. When you reflect that upwards of 
nine thousand lines, in verse, written with 



v/ 

IV. 



the best intention and hope of implanting 
in the minds of the young and thoughtless, 
precepts of prudence and integrity, I trust 
you will allow that even the attempt deserves 
some commendation ; then to your candour 
and liberality I appeal, to save me from the 
eye of criticism and the shaft of ridicule. 
Unprotected and unknown, J am well 
aware it must stand or fall according to its 
merit ; still to your indulgence and kindest 
consideration, I tremblingly consign it. 

THE AUTHOR. 



INTRODUCTION. 

If any one should ever deign 
To peruse my scribbling strain, 
I«f ear he"ll think he's lost his time 
And gained but little by my rhyme : 
But if that little ere should tend 
To instruct, amuse, or to befriend- 
Then, Reader, I have gained my end : 
Your good nature only can excuse 
The simple wandering of my muse : 
'Tis on your kindness I rely 
The many defects that you espy, 
You, with candour will pass by : 
Did you indeed but know my heart — 
Could I its fluttering throb impart, 
How tremblingly I lay before ye 
My unpolished simple story : 
How humbly I implore your meed, 
You would not break the bruised reed. 
Trusting to my good intent, 
And your kind heart, I leave the event 
But mine's a very simple strain, 
And for romance I have no brain ; 
No wretched scenes do I disclose, 
To make you weep for fancied woes- — 
No warning ghost or gliding sprite — 
No scenes of terror or affright ; 
My muse does not the power impart, 
Pathetic tones to touch the heart } 



i 



vm 

Nor'pleasing jokes or joy I sing 
That brings joy laughter on its wing. 
Nor can I produce with jocund heart, 
Bon mots or repartees so smart ; 
To please, I know, the youthful fair, 
My hero should have auburn hair ; 
With stature tall, endowments rare; 
One by Dame Fortune's malice crost, 
Despised, neglected, almost lost ; 
Then rising from his wretched state 
Becomes a Duke or something great. 
But here's no tincture of romance, 
All simple life and circumstance ; 
My hero's wrinkled o'er with age, 
And quaint maxims he calls sage ; 
He'll please but few then I'll engage : 
To others faults he is severe, 
And who doth like plain truths to hear, 
Of modern manners he don't boast, 
Still by some means he rules the roast ; 
For he doth possess a charm 
That can e'en malice self disarm : 
In these golden days, all worship gold, 
Youth and beauty— love himself is sold 
But in the golden days of yore, 
Gold we read was useless ore, 
Reader you need not now be told 
The charm my hero has, is gold ; 
What other charms need he possess. 
Wealth is the height of happiness — 
Wealth every pleasure can impart 
That captivates the human heart ; 



IX 



Wealth can lift the lowly high, 
And the proud man's smile can buy ; 
Wealth can hide e'en guilt and shame, 
Can metamorphose and new name. 
Strong is this ideal phantom's power, 
To sooth with hope some bitter hour ; 
For tell me, tell me, if you can, 
Of one who in life's little span, 
So philosophical and cold, 
As never once to sigh for gold. 
How often would the enamour' d youth, 
Wisper vows of love and truth, 
The want of fortune, has the power 
He knows to embitter every hour ; 
Double he thinks to feel the smart 
Of poverty's cold killing dart ; 
Would richer riches on me shine, 
What happiness would then be mine ; 
How often in the mother's eye 
Does the tear tremble and the sigh, 
When gazing on her children dear, 
Whom she's bound to keep and rear. 
Oh, riches, riches, were you mine, 
In splendour you should live and shine; 
How often in the tradesman's purse 
The want of money is the curse ; 
What bargains he could buy and sell, 
How rich he'd get no one can tell ; 
Nought else can constitute his bliss, 
If riches, riches, are not his. 
Now to prove these axioms true, 
I'll bring my hero to your view :— 



In propria person he'll appear, 

And of his happiness you may hear. 

For every one can best express 

The feelings labouring in their breast ' r 

And old man like he lot es to prate, 

He will his history relate ; 

But I shall be a stander by, 

Nor interrupt his soliloquy ; 

But now and then take up the strain, 

Some trifling matter to explain ; 

Now seated in his well rub'd chair, 

With eyes of thought and brow of care, 

I certainly shall leave him there ; 

Stili, tis proper to explain 

Fidget is^my hero's name, 

And that he's given to fits of musing, 

Moralizing and diffusing 

His own strange notions far and near, 

Which in the sequel will appear. 



o 



Fidget Musing. 
F all the ills that harass man, 



The want of something is the plan, 
A certain something unpossessed, 
Palls, spoils, and deadens all the rest ; 
For hope is ever on the wing, 
'Tis she that gives our views the spring ; 
And ever makes our fancies soar 
To something we've not had before : 
Hope did I say, why let me see, 
A paper once was given to me, 
About this hope — I'll read it through, 
And as I've nothing else to do, 
I may as well transcribe it too. 

ON HOPE. 

Say, Hope, thou soothing feeling, what thou art, 
That reigns thus powerful in the human heart, 
Why dost thou now on expectation's wing 
Mount far aloft — why pleasing themes do sing ; 
Why dost thou sing of pleasures ever near— 
Thy promised pleasures never do appear ; 
'Tis thou that makes the heart still thrilling glow, 
Gives to our bent, and feeds the soul for woe ; 
For of all feelings that with reason cope, 
None grieves the soul like disappointed Hope. 
c2 



12 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

When the gay round of childish mirth is o'er, 

And our young hearts do other scenes explore, 

With keen amaze our fluttering senses view -\ 

The illusive world as coloured by you, > 

And diamonds think each sparkling drop of dew ; J 

But soon alas the scorching sun appears, 

To sip the grateful moisture soon the tears 

Of chagrin'd hope, and feelings ill repressed, 

Burst from our eyes to ease the swelling breast; 

Now triumph Hope, who led our souls astray, 

To gaze on ideal charms and watch o'er hearts away. 

In the romance of youth love first appears 

With rapturous feeling, agitating fears, 

Then syren hope in fancied lays express, 

The fond effusions of a glowing breast ; 

Or should ambition be our chief delight, 

With dreams of greatness dazzle'st thou the sight ; 

Or should our souls to martial deeds aspire, 

Hope paints the field that gives us our desire ; 

Is wit our aim, that phantom of the mind, 

Hope says go seek it, surely thou will find; 

Or doth mean avarice great pleasure offer, 

Hope fills the bags, piles coffer upon coffer ; 

If then in hope the ill the good exceed, 

Say gay enchantress what hast thou to plead, 

That man, who boasts of powerful reason's aid, 

Should follow thee, and by thee be betrayM ; 

Hope answers softly and with modest grace, 

Why chidest thou me, I only fill a place, 

'Midst all the passions, nature in her plan, 

Has given to act and actuate on man. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 13 

My fairy fingers, like a magic spell, 

Vigour restores despondency repel, 

I the bright ray of joy impart, 

When sore afflictions wound the heart; 

'Tis I that sooth the sick man's pillow, 

'Tis I speak comfort to the sinner, 

'Tis I that bid the seaman brave 

The storm, the tempest, and the wave, 

'Tis I that bid the soldier go, 

To foreign climes, to fight the foe ; 

Picture the scenes of joy and home, 

That wait them when they cease to roam, 

In colours radiant, I paint the show, 

The soldier's honor and the sailor's glow, 

Who sav'd their country, and o'ertunTd the foe. 

Who but for me the lovely fair would woo, 

Respect would check, and diffidence undo ; 

And should fell and dark Despair, 

Unfurl his banner in the air ; 

'Tis I that hurl the banner down, 

And to a smile convert the frown, 

Nor am I known oft to betray, 

If reason's influence doth sway ; 

But there are those who self conceit, 

Make folly and misfortune meet, 

If fear with trembling hand thy steps arrest, 

If mad ambition animate thy breast, 

If thoughtless mirth, fantastic joys be seen, 

And you court sorrow, envy, rancour, spleen, 

Headlong you rush, one swallows up the whole, 

All should be blended equal in your soul; 



14 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Let hope with fear in equal balance weigh, 
And joy and grief, each other must allay ; 
I mixing with each passion so combine, 
To sooth the soul, and animate the mind, 
Reason must rule your passions, then may pla) 
If virtue guide, and prudence point the way ; 
Then rouse your soul, it must with truth be said, 
If hope be gone, then energy is fled ; 
Thus spoke the Syren, and her witching lay, 
Sooth' d my sad soul, and stole my grief away. 

Fidget. 
Well, this may be all very true, 
But yet with it, I've nought to do ; 
My reason's cool, age should be wise, 
Yet still new wishes will arise ; 
A wife I think would grace my table, 
To cut and carve she would be able, 
Pleasant too, to hear her chat, 
About all this and this, and that, 
But there, 'tis only in my mind, 
Something I want that 1 cant find ; 
Full well the poet has expressed, 
Man never is but to be blessed, 
For prone to discontent is man, 
He's always forming some new plar. 
A plan, that in his mighty wisdom, 
Will ever keep him from dejection, 
But yet that little, if so rude, 
To mar his bliss will still intrude; 
Is your wife meek with every merit. 
You wish she had a little spirit ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 15 

Is she a termagant and shrew. 

Then none is half so curst as you ; 

But why do I my brain explore 

For themes so often broaeh'd before, 

I fancy I now want a wife, 

Perhaps she'd bring me only strife, 

But still I'm getting an old elf, 

And soon I cannot help myself, 

I feel that my rheumatic gout, 

Has strangely shook my nerves about, 

My spirits too are getting low, 

My pulse I think beats rather slow ; 

A wife I'm sure would do me good, 

She'd air my clothes, order my food ; 

But there, perhaps, she'd wish to roam, 

And would not like to stay at home,, 

Still it must be very clever, 

To hear a wife talk in wet weather ; 

She'd tell me all the news of town, 

About her bonnets, caps and gown, 

Pho ! such a fuss about the fashion, 

I'm sure 'twould put me in a passion ; 

Ah ! no, I'll think about my pelf, 

And comfort find within myself, 

That self, which I so much have thought on. 

From morn till night, and night till morn on ; 

I've lived full fifty years or more, 

And all my care has been to store ; 

If my account is now quite clear, 

I've full five thousand pounds a year; 

Surely, 1 think that I could manage, 

To have a wife and keep a carriage, 



16 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR* 

But there, she'd make my guineas fly, 

With rings, and jewels — trumpery. 

Oh ! no, I will not have a wife, 

'Twould be the folly of my life . 

What's the time — 'tis two o'clock, 

No news to-day, no, not a jot, 

No news now, Buonaparte is gone, 

To Helena to live alone. 

In war much mischief does ensue, 

But still it causes something new, 

And when we hear the fight's begun, 

How eagerly for news we run, 

How queer we feel, and look awry, 

When fortune joins the enemy, 

How joyous every heart doth feel, 

That loves its country and its weal ; 

How thankful if kind heaven decree, 

To us the palm of victory, 

Still glad when peace with roseate band, 

Waves her mild banner o'er our land ; 

May its blessings long rejoice our shores, 

Add to our bliss, increase our stores ; 

The paper's full of advertising, 

Balm of Gilead, Turner's blacking, 

Gowland's lotion, Roseate powder, 

Sure woman's folly ne'er spoke louder, 

Tho' every day with greedy ear, 

This truth incessantly they hear 

Nature made nothing half so fair ; 

Yet not content as Nature made them, 

Must patch, and paint, and all bedaub 'em; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. IT 

O, no, I'm sure I ne'er did wiser, 
Than not take woman for adviser. 
Feb. fourteenth, what have we here, 
Marriage in high life, then 'tis clear, 
That woman's wiles will still prevail, 
Tho' oft their follies are the tale ; 
The beautiful Philah Macdonald, 
Daughter of the brave and gallant Colonel, 
Who with others brave and true, 
Such honors won at W loo ; 
Macdonald ! yes, I know the name, 
Yes, sure it is — must be the same— 
The same who twenty years or more, 
Married the beauteous Mary Moore ; 
So lovely and so sweet a creature, 
She was the pride of Madam Nature ; 
Nor wisdom in her kindest mood, 
Ne'er form'd a mind so wise and good : 
Nature and wisdom both agreed, 
To make the Rarest of the breed ; 
She was the beauty of the place, 
Lov'd fo rher charity and grace ; 
Yet still, if I remember right, 
Her'swas aluckless story quite ; 
A story so replete with care, 
For soon hard fortune she did bear ; 
One so form'd with every grace, 
So kind a heart so sweet a face, 
For her to feel the stern decree 
Of cold neglected poverty. 
Fortune and fools go hand in hand, 
While virtue's seen in misery's band, 

D 



18 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

At least we very often see 

Wisdom and fortune do'nt agree ; 

And those who nature's gifts do share, 

Fortune generally is spare. 

But here comes Joe with cloth and tray, 

So musing now I put away. 

FIDGET. 

Joe, bring the pot to warm my beer, 
Dinner I hope will soon be here, 
The cook has no regard to time, 
Or else I would put down my wine ; 
Sure sign that I am growing old, 
For not a thing can I bear eold ; 
Is dinner ready, Joe, I say ? 
You're all full late I think to day. 

Joe. 
Sir, if you the clock do see, 
It wants three minutes still to three. 

Fidget. 
Well, Joe, I hope we've something nice, 
Pray let me have it in a trice ; 
Put a few coals, Joe, on the fire, 
A very few I do desire : 
Hold, hold, you stupid lout, 
I'm sure you've put the fire out. 

Joe. 
La, sir, the fire's got so low, 
Shall I fetch bellows, Sir, and blow ? 

Fidget. 
For what ? to blow the dust about, 
O'er all my things, go, get you out, 
Tell Nan to bring some sticks and straw, 
Such a clumsy boy I never saw ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 19 

What plagues are servants, dear, O dear, 
What shall I do to warm my beer. ! 

Joe. 
Sir, Nan is step't into the Town, 
She's gone to fetch home Betty's gown. 

Fidget. 
Gone ! who gave her leave, a pretty thing 
When servants cannot stay within ; 
Go, tell the Cook then I desire — 
I perish here without a fire. 

Joe. 
Sir, the Cook says she cannot come, 
The dinner will be over done, 

Fidget. 
Then I'll go to her in the kitchen, 
A saucy good for nothing vixen ; 
How dare you Betty send to Town, 
Nanny to fetch your trumpery gown ? 
There's not one in the house shall stay, 
I give you warning all to-day. 

Betty. 
Oh, Sir, Joe has told a lie, 
Nanny's gone to fetch the pye. 

Fidget. 
How dare you say you'd not come in, 
And light my fire, you saucy thing. 

Betty. 
Yes, Sir, I said, Sir, in a minute, 
But Joe he put me in a fidget ; 
Oh, Sir, if you, Sir, did but know, 
What a tiresome paltry boy is Joe. — ■ 
d2 



20 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Joe. 
Good Mrs. Bet no more of that, 
Or out of bag I'll let the cat. 

Bbtty. 
Hold your tongue, you stupid lout, 
Tis you have kicked up all this rout ; 
If, Sir, you'll in the parlour go, 
I'll bring some fire, Sir, from my stow, 
I'll make it up so clear and bright, 
I'm sure it will your heart delight ; 
See, Sir, how nice these fowls do look, 
I've taken much pains I'm sure to cook, 
Just as you like it, Sir, you'r dinner, 
Tried all to please as I'm a sinner : 
My tears I'm sure will ne'er flow faster, 
Than when I leave so good a master ; 
If you to Joe the warning give, 
Yet still with you I hope to live, 
For bitter shall I rue the day, 
When I from you do go away. 

Fidget 
Betty you know I hate palaver 
And I to you have been a father, 
Then wipe your eyes and cease this flutter, 
For fear you'r tears fall in the butter ; 
Send in my dinner nice and hot, 
And all this rout shall be forgot, 
Be careful how you warm my beer, 
Just, just so warm, mind, do your hear. 

Fidget Musing. 
Now dinner clearM from off the table, 
I'll take a nap if I am able ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 21 

I find a quiet little dose, 

Often does my mind compose ; 

But still I'm forced to ruminate 

Upon my sad and wretched state. 

These servants teaze me out of life, 

I wish indeed I had a wife, 

She'd make each one keep their place, 

And see things done with proper grace, 

I that could roll I'm sure in guineas, 

No comfort have for these vile ninnies, 

A pack of cunning skulking elves, 

Who care for no one but themselves ; 

The other day I heard their chat, 

When Joe he call'd me old starve cat, 

Because I found a dish of meat 

Put by, they said, for puss to eat, 

The cook declared it was all bone, 

She might as well have call'd it stone ; 

What you do waste so is my cry, 

You'll come to want mind bye and bye ; 

I think it right when things go wrong, 

To tell them so, not hold my tongue ; 

I do not wish a scrap in hand — 

Waste not, want not, is my plan ; 

But when I do them catechize, 

They mutter, grumble, or tell lies. 

Well, well, I cannot bear this strife, 

Two evils ehoose — I'll choose a wife. 

I know that well I can afford, 

And always like a handsome board, 

But tho' in plenty I abound, ^ 

Frugality must still be found, C 

To make that plenty still go round, j 



22 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

And when I do receive a guest, 

I always set him out the best, 

And often should a friend invite, 

But for one thing I do not like, 

For not content with wholesome food, 

They drink more wine than does them good ; 

Strange that food should now be found, 

That wants good wine to wash it down ; 

And always when the cloth's away, 

They sip and sip, and drink away, 

For fashion's sake they often do 

One bottle drink, and sometimes two ; 

It was not so in my young days, 

I do not like new fashion'd ways ; 

They'd after dinner take a walk, 

And about their business talk ; 

But now they think it's not fair play, 

If they to tea are call'd away : 

True I like a glass of wine, 

But do not wish it while I dine, 

Am well content when dinner's o'er, 

With glasses two, I want no more ; 

For wine, I, in my younger days, 

Did very seldom sip or praise, 

For then indeed, 'twas understood, 

Wine for young folks was not good ; 

But people when they older grew, 

Did sometimes take a glass or two, 

And then 'twas on some grand occasion, 

Some birth-day, marriage celebration; 

But now, forsooth, it is the fashion, 

For folks of every sort and station. 






23 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

As soon as dinner's off the board, 

To sit and drink like any Lord ; 

Of every thing I like the use, 

But I complain of the abuse ; 

Such waste — expence unnecessary. 

Does indeed my patience try, 

And shuts out hospitality. 

The reason, I just now did say, 

I do not ask a friend to stay, 

I do not see the reason why, 

To be obliged my health to try, 

And foreign wine for them buy ; 

For if I British set before 'em, 

'Tis out of fashion and decorum ; 

And if 'tis very nice and clear, 

They do not like it, 'tis not dear, 

But Port, Madeira, and Champaigne, 

Please the voluptuous and vain : 

A maxim here I'll introduce, 

Altho' indeed, tis out of use, 

" That wine and dress prove not a curse, 

" E'er fancy you consult your purse ;" 

Such folly I can never bear, 

Though of comfort like a share ; 

Dinner to day was choice, nice food, 

But still I fancied 'twas not good : 

The fowls they looked very well, 

So tough and hard, their age did tell, 

Though Cook, she told me with grave face, 

There were not younger in the place ; 

Likewise that she had much ado, 

To get them for five shillings too ; 



24 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

But to my mind 'tis very clear, 

At three and sixpence they were dear ; 

The ham, I think too, had a smell, 

I'm sure it was not salted well ; 

The greens were but half boird and gritty, 

To have things spoilt so, 'tis a pity ; 

The apple pie was heavy paste, 

Sweeten'd too much for my taste. 

Though I can't boast of classic lore, 

Yet somewhere have I read it o'er, 

That a wicked Corinth king, 

Was put in water to the chin, 

That when he went to take a sip, 

The water fled his parch'd lip ; 

I think this is my wretched case, 

I've a nice house, a pretty place, 

Well furnish'd, neat, and to my mind, 

And still no comfort can I find ; 

I'm always vex'd and teaz'd about, 

Some trifling thing that puts me out ; 

I thought when I gave business over, 

That I should live in ease and clover ; 

Money and land enough to spare, 

What is the cause of all my care ; 

I never did my neighbour cheat, 

Always make my accounts complete ; 

Make it a rule in every place, 

Before I eat to say a grac« ; 

Never miss on Sabbath day, 

To go to church to praise and pray, 

Nor am I ever so prophane, 

As to take God's holy name in vain, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 25 

In my mind 'tis abomination, 
For people in a Christian nation, 
At every word to use an oath, 
And villify their greatest boast 
Is it a proof of good tuition— 
Is it a proof of our religion- 
Is it a proof of manly sense- 
Is it a proof of eloquence — 
Is it a proof of learned lore — 
Is it a proof of wisdoms store — 
Is it a proof that wit betides us— 
Is it a proof that reason guides us— 
No ! a sad proof that virtue's charm, 
Has lost its power our hearts to warm. 
And ladies too, with every grace 
Of polish' d manners elegance, 
When trifling chit-chat news they've heard, 
Exclaim, Good G— d ! at every word ; 
A gown, a bonnet, caps, or ring, 
It is GoodG — d ! for every thing. 
I've often thought, with serious air, 
Do men with angels you compare, 
Your conduct proves such words are vain, 
Angels dare not be so prophane. 
If men for want of common sense, 
Fill up the chasm of eloquence ; 
If they for want of wit and learning, 
Wisdom and virtue not discerning, 
Should lose their reason and disclaim, 
All relish for a Christian's name. 
You in whose hearts soft feelings glow, 
Where love and pity overflow — 

E 



26 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

You who are form'd of timid mind, 
M odest, gentle, and refined — 
That you too should dare defy, 
The Almighty Maker of the sky ; 
Him on whose mercies you depend, 
Who every day his cares extend, 
Sure gratitude should have a part, 
And claim some homage from your heart. 
How can you in humble prayer, 
Implore your God and ask his care ; 
You who with hearts and voice prophane, 
Repeat s o oft his holy name. 
But why do I with feelings fire, 
Tune wisdom's harp or reason's lyre, 
For thoughtless folly, with her train 
Of trifling nothings, says tis vain ; 
And fashion, from her high abode, 
Looks down and gives th' approving nod. 
Fashion, thou witch, I muttering said, 
Has drowsy slumbers o'er me spread, 
In other words at this same hour, 
Sleep assumed its wonted power. 
No sooner were my eye lids clos'd, 
Scarcely was my mind compos' d, 
Wken fancy with her fluttering train, 
Renew'd the workings of my brain ; 
Thought in an instant set me down, 
Upon a beauteous level ground, 
Tho' devious paths before me rose 
Irresistibly, one I chose, 
Where flowers on every sitlearos e. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 27 

The air was soft, serene, and mild, 

The birds their sweet notes warbled wild ; 

Bright was the sun, the clouds below 

Various fantastic forms did show ; 

And at a distance might be seen, 

Nature in all her varying scene, 

Of hills and valleys, rocks so steep, 

Bounded by old ocean's deep ; 

Here humble labor in his cell, 

With sweet content was known to dwell ; 

Simplicity was to be seen, 

In homely garb and modest mien, 

With cheerful health trip o'er the green. 

Long could I have leitered here, 

In scenes so calm, serene, and dear, 

Tho* I much wished to stand still, 

Slowly I paced against my will ; 

I felt apower within my breast, 

A power we can but ill repress ; 

And now new scenes was forced to try, 

UrgM on by curiosity. 

Quick fancy, on her magic wing, 

Towns and cities soon did bring ; 

Thro 1 crowded streets, and bustling throng, 

I quickly forced my way along, 

Delighted soon tall trees to spy, 

Whose height seem'd towering to the sky, 

In stately avenue they did appear, 

Their wond'rous bulk proclaim'd their year 

Here in semblance sad the dusky yew, 

In forms fantastic was sheer'd out to view ; 

b2 



28 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Marble and leaden figures might be seen, 
Grottos and fountains did fill up the scene : 
And just beyond the modern shrubbery rose, 
With blooming almond and the guilder rose, 
Waving laburnum, lilac sweet between, 
The poplars tall, and host of evergreen — 
Here in the midst an edifice did stand, 
Sublimely large, magnificent and grand ; 
It was of strange and curious make, 
And of all orders did partake. 
Here Doric stately pillars did arise, 
And neat Ionic and plain Tuscan guise, 
Light Corinthian, with its leaves and flowers, 
Gothic, magnificent, with lofty spires, 
And architect appeared almost divine, 
In the fashion of each age and clime. 
While as I gazed, amaz'd to view, 
The massive gates wide open flew ; 
A sudden impulse urged me in, 
gut what confusion, noise and din ; 
What different forms and dress appear, 
What different tongues assail my ear ; 
While wondering gazing on the crowd, 
I heard these words repeated loud ; — 
Here the high power of Fashion reigns, 
And all laws but her own disdains. 
And this, said 1, is Fashion's court, 
To her all nations make resort ; 
Ah ! silly mortals, whither do you roam, 
Far better, wiser, sure to stay at home. 
Fashion's the cause of all the want and woe, 
That ruin'd families do undergo ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 29 

Why let her rule with such despotic sway, 

She wastes your fortune, lavish health away, 

And only gives repentance and dismay. 

My train of musing here was broke, 

Two strange clad females to me spoke ; 

The one with free and smiling gait, 

The other with self-important state, 

Desir'd I'd on their lady wait ; 

And who are you ? I sternly cried ; 

Our names are Vanity and Pride, 

O'er this abode we do preside, 

And are to fashion near allied ; 

If you have spirit, sense or taste, 

You'll admire the beauties of this place ; 

The crowd with bows and .smiles, gave way, 

For all were complaisant and gay ; 

Pride seemM to view me o"er with scorn, 

As haughtily she led me on : 

But Vanity with simpering air, 

Made me her more peculiar care, 

Her presence proved indeed a charm, 

That did pride's malice quite disarm ; 

I felt a soothing self conceit, 

And followed on with steps elate, 

Thro' parlours, halls, and drawing rooms, 

Libraries, boudoirs, and saloons ; 

With keen surprise intent I view, 

Paper, paintings — tapestry too, 

Shells, china, vases, paraphernalia, 

Wainscot pannels and old armour, 

With all the etcetera that fashion brings, 

Of feathers, jewels, toys, and rings ; 



SO THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

To tell of bonnets, gowns, and ruffs, 
Pellisses, mantles, farthingales and muffs, 
To paint gay fashion in the mood, 
With all her odd vicissitude, 
Of useful things, and necessary, 
Of fancies, whims, and wild chimera ; 
Is more than I could undertake, 
And would a dictionary make ; 
For each room wa* furnished here, 
With every thing most choice and dear ; 
The massive cumbrous of yore, 
With light fantastic modern store, 
Was intermixed, with taste displayed, 
In all the great variety of trade; 
But vain the attempt I do declare, 
Even to name what's hoarded there ; 
Description would fail at the test, 
Imagination must supply the rest ; 
Some one now whispered in my ear, 
What does so old to you appear, 
Will soon become the ton, the rage, 
And be the fashion of the age ; 
The reason why, that in this place, 
Things treasured are with care and grace, 
Fashion is busy every hour, 
To prove her skill and shew her power ; 
And well she does possess the art, 
Unbecoming, ugly, to make smart ; 
For tho' with mirth and flippant lore, 
You laugh at what your grandsires wore ; 
Let fashion but the mandate give, 
Joyous such costume you receive. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 81 

We now drew near an outward dome, 

The path with flowers was overgrown, 

Roses and myrtles gayly did entwine, ^ 

O'er shady bowers the honey suckle clim'd / 

And sweetly bloom'd the fragrant eglantine : J 

Scented Clematis here was seen, 

O'er the verandah painted green ; 

Veietian fashion lent its aid, 

In light fantastic forms display'd, 

New polished marble pillars seen, 

Lirge folding doors were placed between, 

M our approach wide ope' they flew, 

Jfy guides did swift conduct me thro' : 

Sach took a hand with smiling air, 

\nd bade me welcome to abodes so fair ; 

Soon jaded luxury I did spy, 

With tottering step and languid eye ; 

And wild extravagance in thoughtless hours, 

With gay profusion scattering golden showers, 

Mixing with them a crowd of figures seen -* 

But differing much in dress and mien, % 

Paying homage to their potent queen : J 

Conscious her looks of dignity and grace, 

Sh e mov'd indeed the goddess of the place ; 

Her form so tall, tower'd above the rest, 

Her head adorn'd, with diamonds on her vest, 

Each different gem that doth the eye delight, 

The changeful opal and the topaz bright, 

The sapphire blue, and emerald sogreen, 

With rubies and amethystsdi d intervene ; 

And though no trace of beauty I could find, 

To catch my heart and seal her on my mind, 



311 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

I felt she had a witching charm, 

To steal my reason and my sense disarm ; 

Something more powerful than beauty's dart, 

That sinks, so deep envenomed in the heart, 

Potent it was like cruel Circe's spell, 

i tried in vain her sorcery to repel : 

For once within her magic circle found, 

By gay illusion you are strongly bound: 

? Tis in vain such influence to fight, 

The only refuge that we have is flight ; 

I felt I could not bear the stroke, 

Of jeering ridicule and joke, 

And willing owned the maxim true, 

That we must do as others do ; 

Thus she subdued, not from her power alone, 

But from the weakness of my own ; 

She triumphed in scorn and in laugh so loud, 

And soon her laugh was echoed by the crowd. 

The noise so shrill my slumbering fancy broke, 

Enraged, I groaned, I started, and awoke, 

E'en then a figure met my wandering view, 

Betty was there, and she was laughing too. 

This strange, wild dream, he tells with glee, 

As I with pleasure do relate to thee ; 

But I must leave to your discerning mind, 

If sense or meaning in it you can find. 

BETTY. 

O, Sir, you must have had a dream, 
You made such faces as>ere never seen, 
You must have been in a great fright, 
1 could not help laughing outright ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 33 

But I came in to let you know, 
'Tis time to dress if you do go. 

Fidget. 
Dress — go — what ? where ? 
1 have forgot I do declare. 

Betty. 
Sir, 'tis Mrs. Chatty's route to-night, 
In a game of cards you do delight ; 
Your things do all in order wait, 
If you don't hurry you'll be too late. 

Fidget. 
Did I not once give you a lecture long, 
That when you hurry you will sure do wrong T 
Do you want to see me twirl'd about, 
Just like a top — go get you out. 

Betty. 
Sir, I am sorry I did say so, 
I only meant 'twas time to go. 

Fidget. 
Well, well, in that you say quite true ; 
How are my stockings, will they do ? 

Betty. 
Sir, I have air d another pair, 
There '11 be so many smarts, Sir, there. 

Fidget. 
Smarts, aye — a set of fribbles fop"; 
Have you air'd my clean stock ? 

Betty. 
Yes, Sir, you may depend on me. 

Fidget. 
Well then Betty let me see,— 

F 



34 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Tell Joe to get my great surtout, 
You mind 'tis air'd well, in and out, 
My black cloth gaiters and my clogs, 
Be sure you air my best brown bob, 
See that the lanthorn's clean and trim, 
And let wax candle light within. 

Betty. 
Sir, all your things are by the fire ; 
I have a favour to desire, 
That as you will to supper stay, 
I beg to go and see the Play ; 
The°Maid and Magpie's all the rage, 
Mrs. Townley's Footman did engage. 

Fidget. 
The Play indeed ! pho, nonsense, pho, 
You shall not spend your money so. 
Betty. 

Sir, I'm sure you're very cruel ; 
When you're ill I make your gruel, 

1 nurse you too with greatest care, 

Pm sure to night you might me spare. 
Fidget. 

Ah, so you do, for once there go, 

And I will pay too for the show, 

But mind you don't tell Nan or Joe. 
Betty. 

Sir, I your goodness will remember, 

From January to December. 
Fidget. 

Go to the play— the girl's possessd. 

Well now I think Pm fully drest ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 35 

Now, Joe, come, Tarn quite ready, 
Be sure you hold the lanthorn steady. 

Mrs. Chatty. 
Dear Mr. Fidget, how do you do ? 
I'm quite rejoiced indeed to see you ; 
You've made it very late to night, 
You really put me in a fright, 
For my mind did sad presage, 
You'd send me word you were engag'd, 
I've just now made my tables up, 
Therefore of tea pray take a cup ; 
Some one the rubber soon will win, 
And then, dear Sir, you can cut in. 

Fidget. 
Madam, I thank you, in no haste, 
First of your coffee I will taste. 
But bless me, Madam, what a crowd, 
And those young people talk so loud : 
How different from days of yore, 
When a snug party, three or four, 
With their white aprons spread before 'em, 
And all around in due decorum ; 
Their little work bags not forgetting, 
That held their sewing or their knitting ; 
But ladies now so fanciful, 
Have turn'd them into ridicule, 
And then 'twas thought no sin, learning 
Best way of pickling and preserving, 
And their good breeding then was prov'd. } 

Madam I hope your tea is good, > 

If notl hope 'tis understood 3 

f2 



36 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

That more sugar you will take, 
Likewise another piece of cake. 

Mrs. Chatty. 
La, Sir, all things must have an end, 
You must allow that times do mend ; 
I have but ninety here to night, 
A hundred or more I did invite, 
All sorts and sizes now do please, 
I do declare I love a squeeze ; 
Now do walk in the music room, 
I'm sure you'll like to hear a tune. 
One word with you, my dear Miss Bridget, 
I shall set you down with Mr. Fidget, 
And at the table where you play, 
The money for the cards I'll pay. 
He says 'tis nonsense, affectation, 
For people in our humble station, 
To copy the manners of the great, 
Apeing their parade and state, 
To invite our friends to have a treat, 
And make them pay for what they eat ; 
It is not right, I've heard him say, 
At a private house for cards to pay, 
And as I've heard all this before, 
I don't want now to hear it o'er ; 
In good humour keep him if you can, 
For you know he's a privileg'd man. 
Now, Mr. Fidget, I'll set you down, 
With Mrs. Wiffy, of this Town. 
Well this is droll that Mr. Fidget, 
Should have to play with Miss Bridget, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 37 



And that you, dear Captain Quizy, 
Should have for partner Mrs. Winy. 

Capt. Quizy. 
Miss Bridget, as you draw the ace, 
I beg that you will choose your place ; 
Mr. Fidget what do you say, 
Shall we a bet on the trick lay ? 

Fidget. 
Betting, Sir, does not please me, 
Unless to my bet you agree, 
A penny cake is what I always lay- 
Win or lose, have the first bite I say ; 
The Captain laugh'd — and they began to play. 

Mrs. Wiffy. 
Miss Bridget, dear, I do believe, 
That's our trick ; 

Capt. Quizy. 
So I perceive. 
Mrs. Wiffy. 
What — nothing higher than a knave, 
Why what a partner sure I have ; 
Now how could you serve me so — 
That was their lead, Sir, you must know — 
Well now I don't know where to go ; 
The cards they are bewitched quite, 
They've all the luck I think to night ; 
Had you no honor — is that true ? 
Capt. Quizy. 
None but that of playing with you. 
Mrs. Chatty. 
Well, and how do you go on ? 

Mrs. Wiffy. 
Shocking, dreadful, all goes wrong. 



3H THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Why y Sir, it would have been the same 
Had I won that trick — they'd have the game ; 
Miss Bridget shews her teeth with grinning, 
And well she may, for she is winning. 

Mr. Fidget. 
Madam, excuse me if I say, 
Your talking thus confounds all play, 
Or I, perhaps, mistake the name, 
But whist, I think, is call'd this game ; 
You have your partner so provok'd, 
That I do think he has revok'd. 

Capt Q. 
T\s very true — well, what's to pay? 

Miss Bridget. 
r Tis shilling points I think we play. 
You'll play again ? 

Fidget. 

No, I've cut out ; 
And now I'll walk and look about. 
Ah 1 Mrs. Tittat, how do ye do ; 
Is that your daughter, dress'd in blue ? 

Mrs. Tittat. 
No, Sir, my daughter does not dress 
Without a tucker to her vest, 
Nor does she wish people to fright, 
With shoulder blades ; 

Fidget. 

You'r right — quite right. 
What, Mrs. Gossip, is it you— 
Where's your husband— how does he do? 

Mrs. Gossip. 
Thank you, Sir, he's very well ; 
Have vou heard the news that I can tell. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 39 

Fidget. 
News, indeed, that I suppose, 
You promised never to disclose : 
News indeed, you do mis-name, 
'Tis envy, scandal, pride and shame, 
It can't be news, again I say, 
We hear of these things every day ; 
I'm sick of all the idle chat, 
Of Miss and Mr., this and that ; 

It was reported in the town, 3 

The other day that poor old Brown, > 

Died worth a hundred thousand pound ; - 

Because to some it did appear, 
He had a hundred pounds a year ; 
This 'tis true for such a one, 
Was a very handsome sum ; 
He always did appear so poor, 
And often begged from door to door 
The truth once known away it flew, 
And soon from one it got to two, 
When to my great surprise I heard, 
A hundred thousand pounds he'd stored. 

Mrs. Gossip. 
But, Sir, you must allow this true, 
That Mr. Brogall'sleft Miss Prue. 
Then turning to a lady gay, 
She thus whispering did say : — ■ 
I for scandal have no taste. 
But they say she's increased in the waist. 

Fidget. 
Why Madam, to this J only say, 
I, Miss Prudent saw this very day 



40 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

And smiling asked apiece of cake, 
Only for old acquaintance sake ; 
She said she never saw the man, 
And wondered how the tale began. 
Mrs. Gossip. 
But pray Sir, don't you think this odd, 
That Mr. such a great Nabob, 
Should marry that plain Miss Noacre, 
A little, mean, poor tradesman's daughter ; 
And as far as I and others see, 
She is no better than she should be. 

Fidget, 
Madam, 1 think, that is the case, 
With every one in this place; 
Not one I'm sure is to be found, 
That does more than in duty bound. 
The case I very clearly see, 
May be applied to you and me. 
Madam, who can account for taste, 
You, I say, your words misplace ; 
I've known her, Madam, from a child, 
She's lovely, virtuous, good, and mild; 
Her father drank misfortune's cup, 
But now this turn will make it up. 

Gossip. 
Miss Priall I've a word to say. 

Fidget. 
Ithink I'd better steal away; 
I am beset to night I see, 
For here comes Fribble o'er to me ; 
That man is ever in the way, 
With so much talk and nought to say. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 41 

Fribble, 
Fidget, I just stepped up to tell, 
That you to-night look very well ; 
Tho' I don't like that plain stiff stock, 
You look prepared for the block ; 
The collar of your coat's too low, 
They are worn higher now you know, 
And buckles too are out of doors, 
What do you mean by wearing yours ; 
Do throw away that plain bob wig, 
And have a scratch — 'tis all the gig. 

Fidget. 
Sir, were I inclin'd for fun, 
Or wise enough to make a pun, 
I'd rather a stock my neck should bind, 
Than round my feet they should entwine ; 
They are the meed for follies due, 
Hope ne'er to deserve them — I or you ! 
And tho' for fashion I don't stay, 
Wore my buckles out of doors to day ; 
With my permission drive your gig, 
Do let me wear my own bob wig ; 
But if what you said was right, 
That I look very well to-night, 
What signify my coat or stock- 
Plain proof you only meant to mock. 
Fribble turn'd upon his heel, 
Something like anger he did feel, 
Fidget he thought was rude enough, 
Yet offer'd him a pinch of snuff. 



42 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget. 

What ! think my head so shallow vain, 
That I must cram that in my brain 1 
You think it empty I suppose, 
But I wont fill it thro' my nose ; 
'Tis well indeed for you young men, 
Snuff is the fashion now again, 
With something your heads you must fill, , 
And taking snuff requires no skill. 
Mrs. Chatty- 
Now, Mr. Fidget walk this way, 
Til set you down again to play. 
Fidget. 
I thank you ma'am, Til look about, 
Andse e who you have at your route ; 
I feel that I have much to do, 
To find old faces, most are new. 
Who is that lady drest in white, 
Who smiles and talks with such delight ; 
Around her stand, a little band, 
Who seem to greet with heart and hand ; 
It is a face I ought to know, 
Tho' 'tis near twenty years ago, 

That I— 

Mrs. Chatty. 

That, Sir, is the widow Bounty, 
So well belov'd in every county, 
And scarcely in the land you'll find, 
A lady more polite and kind ; 
She came to town the other day, 
And does with Mrs. Highly stay : 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 43 

Soon as I heard that she was come, 

Then with a card my man did run. 

Mrs. H. and I do not agree, ^ 

For she's too proud to visit me, > 

I'm sure I dont want her to see. J 

Fidget musing. 

What, though my heart's not used to glow, 

Kor with strong feelings overflow, 

It does not own the thrilling pleasure, 

Of ecstacy beyond all measure ; 

Yet still around, I find do blend, 

Some softer feelings for a friend ; 

A friend, who in my early days, 

I always prized, and always prais'd ; 

And indeed, there was a time, 

Something like love did me entwine, 

And if right, I thought that she, 

Looked with affection too, on me, 

And I do remember well, 

Tho' I dotit like my faults to tell, 

The only cause that I could find, 

Why I did not disclose my mind ; 

Her father held a trifling cure, 

And was indeed so very poor ; 

Tho" ne'er a better man could live ; 

His daughter was all he had to give ; 

Tho' every day brought me in store, 

I was eager still for more ; 

My only thought was for myself, 

And greatest care was to get pelf; 
g2 



44 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

But just indeed, and wise and true ; 
Man must his follies ever rue ; 
Had I affection's dawn displayed, 
The dictates of my heart obey'd, 
With prudence ever in my view, 
I plenty should have found for tw 
How happy now to have a wife 
To prove the solace of my life ; 
1 might, perhaps, have had an heir; 
My great riches now to share ; 
Doubled my pleasures would have been, 
When pleasing plenty flowed within ; 
What are riches 1 What is power ? 
Will they beguile the lonely hour- 
Will they the smile of joy impart- 
When sore afflictions wound the heart. 
But why do I thus musing stand — 
I'll go and shake her by the hand. 

Fidget. 
Welcome, thrice welcome, Mrs. Bounty, 
Long may you stay to grace this county ; 
Most truly glad am I to see, 
A friend that always pleased me ; 
But many days are flown I say, 
And many years are past away, 
Since you and I last time did meet, 
Happy am I you now to greet; 
But Time who for no one stands still, 
Begins to pull us down the hill, 
And has altered us without our will ; 
For you so fat surely are grown, 
That I your face should scarce have known. 



1 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 45 

Mrs. Bounty. 
I thank you, Sir, I scarce can tell, 
The feelings that my heart doth swell, 
To hear all, see all, look so well ; 
But many a pang I do sustain, 
To find that so few friends remain ; 
Children grown up, the old gone by, 
Such changes I view with a sigh ; 
But very true, as you do say, 
Every one must have their day ; 
My days I mean to finish here, 
Among these scenes that once were dear; 
My stay at present will be short, 
Thither come upon report, 
That the house of the late Mrs, Hanty, 
Was uninhabited and empty. 
You say that 1 am grown quite fat, 
1 thank a cheerful heact for that, 
Fortho' I've had my share of trouble, 

I ne'er did like to fret or grumble, 

1 always smile while I am able, 

And banish anxiety from my table. 
Fidget. 

Madam, I hope that you will call, 

And bring Mrs. Flighty to the hall, 

A lady I much wish to see, 

And hope you'll spend a day with me, 

1 wish to talk old stories o'er, 

Of Macdonald too, and Mary More ; 
Mrs. Bounty. 

Sir, we will take you in our way, 

Either to-morrow or next day. 



46> THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget. 
To supper now is the command, 
Allow me, ma'am, to take your hand ; 
With taste the viands are display'd, 
Fruits and flowers lend their aid ; 
The jellies tremble on the board, 
Wips and ice the Epurn stored, 
Tartlets, patties, ins and outs, 
With all the etceteras of such routes ; 
The chandelier of brilliant hue, 
And all were dashing smart and new ; 
The bustle now of supper o'er, 
111 see you safe to your own door— 
I think it is a pitch dark night, 
I'm glad my boy has brought a light. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
I thank you, Sir, you are most kind, 
A light will help the way to find. 

Fidget. 
Were you not surprised quite, 
To see this eve, so smart a sight ; 
I think when you were here last time, 
Chatty could scarce a dinner find ; 
But every thing within this town, 
Is topsy turvy, turned down — 
All are changed here of late, 
Great are little, little great ;> 
But I really must declare, 
Little-great folks cannot bear. 
With good breeding they dispense, 
And money gives them insolence ; 
People who once used feet and hand. 
To carriages now give command, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 47 

And those who with a bow passed by, 
Now carry their heads so towering high; 
Gentry who did our ball-rooms grace, 
To tradesfolks now have given place ; 
And those who once stuck close to counter, 
'Bout bathing-rooms and libraries loiter. 
Our buildings too, which you must see, 
Prove how populous we be. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
These are the changes all must feel, 
As fortune turns about her wheel ; 
In my opinion tis but fair, 
Each one by turn should take the chair, 
That is if it is brought to bear, 
By prudence, industry and care ; 
I think you too severely hit, 
FlushM with pleasure we forget 
Riches are made to come and go, 
And like the sea they ebb and flow ; 
Prosperity oft causes pride, 
And many other faults beside, 
It requires strong reason to dispense, 
Wisdom when in affluence ; 
Children of circumstance we are, 
And it requires the greatest care, 
To act in every state and place, 
With proper and becoming grace ; 
And when sudden riches flow, 
The world so much respect doth show ; 
We should not wonder if folks rate, 
Beyond its due their lucky fate, 



48 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

We might ourselves do the same, 
Though we censure now and blame. 
And you are changed — for once I know, 
You never did to parties go ; 
And if indeed report says true, 
There's none 'bout here so rich as you, 
Fortune has met you on your way, 
And you too, Sir, have had your day ; 
But folks in general are prone, 
To think others luck more than their own. 

Fidget. 
'Tis very true — I have my share, 
And I thank prudence for her care ; 
x\t first indeed, as I can tell, 
Things did not go exceeding well, 
But with industry, care and thought, 
I made things be just as they ought. 
My Father was a wise good man, 
He taught me the frugal plan ; 
Though handsome fortune he had made, 
Still he brought me up to trade ; 
And this song he used to sing, 
At the bottom of the ladder to begin, 
For think how great will be the crash, 
If from the top you take a dash ; 
Nor did he ever think it meet, 
A pony for young Sir to keep, 
Nor suffer me to dress and lounge, 
Or gallop half the country round ; 
It very much did him annoy, 
To see the man before the boy ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 49 

Industrious too he made me be, 
For idleness will else, quoth he, 
Clothe a man in rags — do ye see. 
And this he often used to say, 
For age and want save while you may, 
No morning sun lasts an whole day ; 
And if from your shop you flee, 
Your shop will never then keep thee, 
If well your business wish to do, 
Go — and not send, is likewise true ; 
And if for driving you have leisure, 
Drive your business, not your pleasure, 
And diligence is meant the same 
As good luck, call'd by wrong name, 
For if you never do take pains, 
What right have you to hope for gains. 
The cat in mittens can't catch mice, 
The idle of beef shan't have a slice, 
Many are the little strokes, 
That bring down the tallest oaks ; 
If fortune does not give you lands, 
Thank nature that you've got two hands : 
If you wish to avoid sorrow, 
Hold fast to-day — trust not to-morrow, 
Time enough soon slips away, 
And he who lives on hope all day, 
Without supper will to bed I say. 
In the furrow plough you deep, 
While in bed the sluggards sleep, 
Lost hours while in bed you lay, 
Trot, trot after them all day, 
You can't catch them — they won't stay : 

H 



50 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

If time you call a precious dower, 

Well employ then every hour ; 

And if life we all do praise, 

Catch every moment as it flies, 

Recollect that while you idly doff, 

Time is the stuff that life is made of. 

To rise at six, instead of eight, appears 

By the account in forty years, 

To be twenty-nine thousand and two hundred hours, 

If you are clever soon you'll tell, 

To how many years these hours do swell, 

But endeavour, he'd say, to steer between, 

Frugality and being mean, 

But even such conduct will not do, 

If another plan you don't pursue ; 

By truth and honesty abide, 

Keep strict integrity by your side, 

Ne'er do an act not strictly just, 

Then in Heaven you may safely trust, 

For Providence will always send, 

Blessings on deserving men, 

Humbly trust that Heaven will guide, 

While honest industry's at your side. 

An elogium here I must raise, 

To humble worth and honest ways : — 

Of my Grandmother I must tell, 

Whom you can remember well ; 

A mother's love I scarcely knew, 

A love to be supplied by few, 

To my Grandmother's care was I consign'd, 

Who early bent my opening mind, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 51 

She was of the old fashion'd school, 
Frugality her constant rule ; 
Never to go with empty hand, 
Was indeed her strict command, 
Beware, she'd say, of many a little, 
By the account they make a mickle, 
A little hole in a great ship, 
Will make it to the bottom slip ; 
To he in debt she called a sting, 
To her it was a dreadful thing ; 
Sooner without a supper go, 
Than rise and feel that you do owe ; 
A fat kitchen, she argued still, 
Will ever make a poor lean will. 
Then can you wonder as I grew, % 

I took care of my shillings too, v- 

And they soon into guineas grew. ) 

With the philosopher's stone I made bold, -^ 

Got what I could, and what I got hold, V 

The stone that doth turn, all lead into gold. j 

By these means the whole amount, 
Was doubled soon by the account ; 
How vain would be dame Fortune's care, 
Did I always spend and never spare ; 
True, parties I did not frequent, 
My mind, on my own business bent ; 
But now toil and business o'er, ^ 

And with accumulated store, V 

To pleasure now I ope my door. J 

Such pleasure as the world doth name, 
To me business and pleasure were the same ; 
h2 



52 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

In a rubber now I take delight, 
Not such a one as I had to night ; 
There was a time I thought it shame, 
At any thing to play a game, 
Fearful that I should be misled, 
And act a part each one should dread ; 
My opinion of cards I now must say, 
If only for a trifle we do play, 
It passes an idle hour away. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Nor can I any thing abuse, 
That innocently does amuse ; 
A cheerful rubber does beguile, 
And please the aged heart awhile ; 
It passes many an evening hour, 
By blazing fire when clouds do lowr, 
And with gaiety does renew, 
Those who cannot read or sew ; 
For those who feel life's wintry blast, 
At trifles oftentimes do grasp ; 
Other feelings too it does allay, 
And drives detracting spite away ; 
Oftentimes it may be seen, 
Four by honors cures the spleen ; 
Scandal and envy too may flout, 
While busily our tricks we count; 
And now as chemistry's the fashion, 
I'll use a chemical expression, 
It preserves the air from the foul taint, 
Of the hydrogen of slanderous hate. 
With cards, perhaps we might dispense, 
Did all possess uncommon sense, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 53 

Could we history relate, 
Or talk of politics and state ; 
Could we religion's balm dispense, 
And tell of future happiness. 
But in mix'd company such a theme, 
All would I think improper deem. 
On gaming-, Syntax, sweet doth sing. 
And well his little tale brings in ; 
Would each gamester read it o'er, 
Cards I think, they'd ne'er touch more. 

Fidget. 
To hear you talk thus makes me glad, 
'Tisthe excess of every thing that's bad. 
And nature is such 'tis necessary, 
That we our occupations vary ; 

And as I often sit alone, ^ 

To give a zest unto my home, > 

In scenes like these 1 sometimes roam, 3 

Not that it suits my turn of mind , 
My thoughts to other things incline ; 
Such bustling in, and squeezing out, 
It may with truth be called a route, 
Such scrambling too for whips and jellies, 
As if they came with empty bellies ; 
While us poor men have nought to do, 
But stand about and look at you, 
Or with a flimsy whip or so, 
Just do through the motions go, 
Such suppers L don't like I say, 
Take this, take that, and take away ; 
Such outside shew I can't admire, 
And many for their fine attire, 
Do put out the kitchen fire ; 



54 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR 

And modern politeness I don't like, 
A specimen I saw of it to-night ; 
For a lady there I much did feel, 
She was what you call en famille, 
Pale she look'd — and tir' d did stand, 
And on a chair she lean'd her hand, 
For a seat she look'd around, 
But not a seat was to be found, 
In chair just by with legs across, 
A man his little form did toss, 
And when the board was handed round, 
One cup of tea was on it found, 
With out stretch'd hand and joyful eyes, 
She was just going to seize the prize, 
When he stopM the waiter on his way, 
And the only cup took off the tray, 
He saw the motion of her hand, 
For close beside him she did stand, 
Such conduct she could scarcely brook, 
For I saw her give him such a look, 
Had she possessed a basilisk's eye, 
Transfixed there he now would lye, 
But from the country she came, 
And was a thing without a name, 
Who then the gentleman can blame. 
The case would have been alterM quite, 
Had she been lady in her own right ; 
Such bowing, scraping, and grimace, 
Now do my lady take my place, 
Oh let me fly and get some tea, 
Your'c much exhausted I can see ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. £5 

Excuse me if I do speak warm, 
Such paltry conduct I do scan, 
A lady, whether great or small, 
Deserves attention from us all ; 
And though I'm not a gallant beau, 
I never could have serv'd one so ; 
If manners I can rightly scorn, 
I call him a most ill bred man, 
No pretensions to the gentleman, 
True he was fine as fine could be, 
Pearl buckle had on either knee, 
His little finger was array'd, 
With a smart ring which he display'd ; 
His coat was of the newest ton, 
This the first night he put it on, 
But very often do we see, 
Coat and character don't agree ; 
Depend upon it you will find, 
In outside shew a narrow mind ; 
Too much of selfishness within, 
For others they don't care a pin, 
All else may sink so they can swim. 
You think, perhaps, that I'm severe, 
But 'tis too true what I declare ; 
Through life I've studied character, 
Though wrong I sometimes do aver, 
In the general I seldom err ; 
From what I've seen of him to-night, 
One thing do I think quite right, 
Never more that man to invite. 
But how have you far'd since we met, 
Sure I'm a little in your debt ; 



56 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Your husband once did call on me, 
And I think he never had his fee. 
Mrs. Bounty. 
Believe me, Sir, when I do say, 
I am well pleas'd with what you say, 
I always wish to palliate, 
But such conduct reprobate, 
Too much of the Athenian ways, 
Who though politeness they did praise, 
Left Spartans to practice the same, 
You recollect the tale J name ; 
The polite will ever strive to please, 
Make every one feel at their ease. 
My husband I beg you will not mention, 
To take a fee he'd no intention ; 
He merely call'd by my desire, 
That of your health he might enquire, 
We heard you were very ill, 
And I knew he had great skill — 
Skill that might have brought him wealth, 
Had he been covetous of pelf ; 
But if the rich man's bill was paid, 
To the poor he always gave his aid, 
And tho' but little we could spare, 
Still of that little they did share ; 
And we too had every plenty, 
Of homely food though not of dainty. 
Content and peace fill'd up our board, 
Each heart much fond affection stor'd, 
The smile of love did oft repay, 
The busy tumult of the day. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 57 

But oh, excuse — I can't retrace — 
I feel the tears bedew my face. 
This is the door— I'll pull the bell, 
I kindly thank, good night, farewell. 
Fidget Musing. 
Talk not to me of beauty's power, 
Withering pageant of an hour ; 
Talk not of symmetry or grace, 
Of polish' d form or finished face, 
Give me prudence, reason, sense, 
Their kindly influence to dispense, 
This with animation's fire, 
Is all the beauty I desire, 
And what makes all these more dear, 
Is sensibility's soft tear, 
That active feeling which does know, 
The cord of joy, the touch of woe ; 
Yes, Mrs. Bounty, 'tis thy mind, 
With sense and feeling so combin'd ; 
Polite good breeding ever lead, 
Gentle, tho' firm in time of need- 
No fault in thee I sure can find, 
But love I've often heard is blind ; 
Love ! did I say, oh no, that's clear, 
Yet still could I wipe off that tear ; 
'Tis true, I wish that at this time, 
Just such a wife I could call mine ; 
And for certain I feel pleasure, 
That she soon will be my neighbour ; 
But why do I sit here and write ? 
I've sat up late enough to night ; 
i 



J 



58 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Oh, may soft sleep my eyelids close, 

And kind dreams my mind compose. 

Reader, I fear you do complain, 1 

Of my domestic humdrum strain, 

Call it silly nonsense vain. 

I entreat of you that read my lays, 

Spare censure, I scarce hope for praise ; 

For steep and ruggM is the way, 

That leads to fame in any way ; 

How many the towering height would gain, 

Was there no labour, care and pain, 

Therefore in mercy do not blame. 

Have patience, hear me while 1 tell, 

What to my hero did befell. 

Joyous you know, he went to bed, 

With pleasing visions in his head ; 

Soon roused by a rheumatic tweeze, 

His back was cold, his blood did freeze ; 

He felt all o'er in a cold dew, 

And much his piteous case did rue, 

He puird his bell, he called away, 

Betty, Nanny, Joe, I say, 

Soon frightened Betty to him ran, 

And when she spoke, she thus began : — 

B^lTTY. 

Oh dear, Sir, pray Sir, what's the matter, 
You, and the bell make all this clatter. 

Fidget. 
Oh, Betty, 1 am very ill, 
Tell Joe to call up Dr. Pill, 
Let him not a moment stay, 
Bid him run too, all the way. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 59 



Betty. 

Oh, dear, Sir, this is very sad, 
I hope indeed, you're not so bad. 

Fidget. 
Betty, as bad as bad can be, 
Bring my flannel gown to me, 
Go light a fire, I pray you do, 
Bring me a little spirits too ; 
Now I'm up, 1 feel much better, 
My heart is not in such a flutter. 

Betty: 
Oh, Sir, the doctor, he is come, 
I hope of comfort he'll speak some. 

Dr. Pill. 
Of your illness, Sir, I'm sorry to hear, 
I came to you in haste and fear ; 
Your pulse is very good and strong, 
No bad symptom, what is wrong, 
Were you ever in this way before ? 
A little nervous, nothing more. 

Fidget. 
Why Sir, I now feel very well, 
Was taken so strange I scarce can tell, 
Hardly laid down in my bed, 
When I shook and shivered ; 
So cold and damp 1 felt all o'er, 
Indeed, I was never so before. 
Dr. Pill. 
Very strange, you felt no pain, 
Damp, sure the cause I can explain, 
12 



60 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Your sheets, Sir, airing do require, 

I'm sure they've never felt the fire ; 

They are as damp as damp can be, 

Look, how they reek, Sir, do ye see ; 

I'm glad to find you are no worse, 

All that follows is of course ; 

Keep yourself warm, on slops do live, 

Drive out the cold you did receive ; 

Stay within your house all day, 

To morrow you'll be well 1 say. 
Fidget. 

Stay, Dr. Pill, one moment stay, 

Why in such haste to get away ; 

Do you think because I'm close, and hold 
Like dearest friend, my well. got gold, 
I can no generous feeling show, 
Let modest merit empty go, 
No, no, believe me, 'tis not so; 
You might have play 'd upon my fears, 
Brought in a bill of long arrears ; 
Here take these notes and you will own, 
Fidget to you has justice shown. 
Reader, I think it right to tell, 
'Twas ten pound Fidget gave so well ; 
Delighted, the Dr. viewed it o'er, 
As onward he plodded to his door ; 
Fidget, well pleased with doing right, 
Almost forgot his horrid fright, 
Likewise think not that 1 do err, 
From Fidget's general character ; 
How oft by sudden impulse moved, 
Either to evil or to good ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 61 

And when sudden joy doth flow, 

Our feelings scarcely bounds do know ; 

And if the heart be e'er so narrow, 

It must love something, dog or sparrow ; 

And Fidget had neither dog or wife, 

Hadlov'd himself much all his life; 

That self from frightful danger freed, 

No wonder he felt glad indeed. 

And I believe it is most true, 

If we search creation through, 

Self is what all keep in view; 

Selfishness we all can see, 

Prevails much in society ; 

So none can blame or take offence, 

Since Nature's first law is self defence. 

Betty now humbly did come in, 

And Fidget to scold her did begin. 

Betty. 
Oh, Sir, I'm sure, 1 do declare, 
I gave the sheets to Nan to air, 
And she promised me so fair. 

Fidget. 
Dont talk to me you brazen face, 
'Tis you I trust, it is your place ; 
Dont talk to me of Nan to air, 
You that boast so much of care ; 
But it is always clear to me, 
Great talkers do the least, I see, 
And all this evil brought I say, 
By your gadding to the play , 
For which I every way must pay. 



62 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR 

I hope indeed, the worst is o'er, 
But I will never trust you more ; 
Depend, I justice keep in view, 
And 111 give each one their due. 
Now put breakfast on the table, 
After, I'll nap it if I'm able. 
But first did his grateful thanks arise, 
To him that dwells above the skies ; 
Who kindly did extend his power, 
To save him in the trying hour. 

Fidget musing. 
My nap it did not hold me long, 
Yet now I feel quite well and strong, 
Happy and thankful, none can tell, 
To think that I escaped so well. 
Damp sheets how many have cause to rue* 
From their effects death might ensue ; 
' lis well for me no worse mishap, 
Here Betty, bring my gown and cap ; 
Down to the parlour will I go, 
And for the newspaper send Joe ; 
Bring in the sheets by my desire, 
And put them down before my lire, 
I'll turn them in and in and out, 
I wont have such another bout ; 
I hope yo'ull take especial care, 
For the future every thing to uir. 

Betty. 
Sir, this day, you may depend, 
I sham forget till life doth end 

Fidget musing. 
Of all sublunary good and joy, 
That seldom comes and then so coy ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 63 

Of this so many have wrote about, 

I think the theme is quite worn out ; 

Or now I'm sure I have a scope, 

1 that was filled with joy and hope ; 

So pleas'd and happy down I lay, 

Reviewing the pleasure of the day ; 

So free from care, so free from pain, 

I thought myself quite young again, 

Thinking and planning all about, 

Ah ! little I thought of such a rout ; 

Ne'er will I trust the sunshine hour, 

But think behind some cloud does lowY, 

When fluttering pleasure smiles around, 

And makes with joy my heart rebound, 

Til always think behind her wing, 

She carries some sharp and pointed sting, 

But still from evil good may flow, 

As I do hope that time will show, 

For I no longer hesitate, 

I am resolv"d to get a mate, 

That is if Mrs. Bounty kind, 

Will condescend with me to join ; 

'Tis true, 

Joe. 

Sir, here is Lord and Lady E. 

Come to speak a word with thee. 

Fidget. 

Who ? Lord and Lady E, 

And I such a figure — goodness me ; 

When any thing is to be done, 

Then folks are alw ays sure to come, 



64 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

What could make them call to day — 
Be quick and take the sheets away, 
My slippers are worn at the toes, 
Be quick and get my other shoes. 

Lord and Lady E. 
Good morning, Sir, hope you're well, 
We call on you to say farewell ; 
We leave this place to morrow day, 
Then to dear London haste away. 

Fidget. 
Believe me, Lord and Lady E, 
I feel the honor you do m© ; 
None of your friends you leave behind, 
Will think of you with thoughts more kind. 

Joe. 
These are the best shoes down below, 
Your others are up stairs you know. 

Fidget. 
How, what, stupe, I say, 
Bring shoes on a silver tray. 

Joe. 
Why, Sir, it was your strict command, 
That when your things 1 did you hand, 
You said so, Sir, but yesterday, 
I was to bring things on this tray ; 
I thought, 

Fidget. 
You thought, blockhead, you, 
'Tis well \our head don't feel my shoe. 
1 beg your excuse — this stupid child 
is enough to make a body wild ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 65 

Out of charity I took him in. 

He's got a head — and so's a pin ; 

Stupid he was when he first came, ■% 

I rang my bell and rang again, > 

Still I rang and no one came, j 

I thought 'twas time to go and see, 

And over the fire there sat he ; 

Did you, said I, not hear the bell, 

To be sure, said he, very well, 

And wonder'd what it was about, 

That it kick'd up such a rout ; 

You laugh but really it is true, 

Or I the tale would not tell you ; 

My servants teaze me out of life, 

Unfortunate me that have no wife. 

Lady E. 
Sir I much wonder at your age, 
Elderly folks you don't engage. 

Fidget. 
My Lady, indeed it was my plan, 
When housekeeping I first began, 
But of the two I found them worse, 
They always had themselves to nurse ; 
The first old housekeeper I had, 
Was often taken very bad, 
Violent cholic pain inside, 
So much brandy oft applied, 
Indeed I found she thought no sin, 
To warm her stomach too with gin, 
Then so ill she seem'd to be, 
That half the day in bed lay she ; 

K 



66 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

The next I had was healthy, bold, 
Neither too young nor yet too old ; 
True from Ireland she came, 
But I for that did not her blame, 
They are a hardy race, you know, 
And laugh, that so much care we show, 
I order' d that a shirt sh'd air, 
As I for dress must needs prepare, 
But when I went to put it on, 
'Twas cold and damp as any stone, 
1 scolded her about the same, 
I told her she was much to blame ; 
" Arrah ! says sbe, my dearest honey, 
Sure as my wages come to money, 
I've air'd your shirt enough I say, 
For 1 hung it out of doors all day. 1 ' 
Tho' foggy and damp I do declare, 
1 know it plenty had of air ; 
Soon another change I made, 
But all alike — all of one trade ; 
The last has been with me some time, 
Now will you take a glass of wine ; 
Hope that no offence you'll take, 
Betty shall bring you in some cake ; 
With your permission in a gig, 
I'll doff my cap and get my wig. 

Lord E. 
No apology, Sir, I beg to me, 
'Tis now I say, sans ceremonie. 

Don't you remember when a sprig, 
1 used to drive my tandem gig, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 67 



How dexterously my whip I'd fling, 
And neatly round a corner skim ; 
And then this song I us'd to sing, 
To queer some antiquated prig, 
The wisdom's in the wig, wig, wig, 
The wisdom's in the wig. 

Lady E. 
Do pray be quick and haste away, 
And finish the business of the day ; 
I'm fatigued with this humdrum quiz, 
Such a woeful, doleful, rueful phiz; 
With his charming, entertaining stories, 
About his Jills and Jackarories ; 
His offer too of cake and wine, 
I suppose he thinks 'tis time to dine. 
So formal look his shrubs and trees, 
As if they never felt the breeze. 
I like the graceful, waving bending, 
Aromatics, oxotics, interblending. 
What does he call that thing in front, 
A waterfall out of a trunk, 
With a shell stuck on either side, 
Oh, I can ne'er my laughter hide. 

Lord E. 
I beg indeed, you will restrain, 
The lively sallies of your brain ; 
For tho' a quiz he may appear, 
He's worth ten thousand pounds a year. 

Lady E. 
And so extravagant is he, 
I suppose of hundreds he spends three ; 
k2 



1 



68 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR 

He does not allow a kitchen fire 9 
For the sheets— 

Lord E. 
Hush, hush, I do desire. 

Fidget. 
My Lady, I have to beg your pardon, 
What do you think about my garden. 

Lady E. 
Oh, Sir, it is a charming place, 
Arranged with elegance and taste ; 
That sweet cascade before the door, 
How musical to hear it roar ; 
And to the bottom of the hill 
So sweetly runs that pretty rill ; 
The trees around so rural look, 
Just like what poets write in book, 
What pains and trouble you have took . v , 

The house you have new modelled quite, 

'Tis now enchanting to the sight. 
Fidget. 

My Lady, what you say is true, 

I've taken much pains and trouble too ; 

But every trouble, every joy, 

Has its portion of alloy. 

Of sorrow soon I had my fill, 

When I viewM the mason's bill ; 

Carpenters, bricklayers and joiners, 

With all the rest of the designers ; 

'Tis true, 1 always looked on, 

To see that things were proper done ; 



I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 69 

Well let my purse wide open be, 
As workmen not to oversee, 
Still long bills they brought to me. 
But as I every one did pay, 
They never came another day ; 
Experience is a dear bought school, 
But a proper one for every fool. 

Lord E. 
But, Sir, as you so well can spare, 
Let folly and fancy have a share ; 
Expence, Fm sure is nought to you, 
What pleasure "tis our taste to shew ; 
I was at the amateur play last night, 
Was quite delighted with the sight ; 
They did act so charming well, 
And in every part excel. 

Fidget. 
My Lord, I've heard that it is fine, 
It may, indeed, be quite divine ; 
But as they ne'er invited me, 
So I their acting could not see; 
I must own this by the bye, 
I was piqued to be pass'd by ; 
As all my neighbours were invited, 
One does not like to feel so slighted. 

Lord E. 
Sir, if you do wish to go, 
I can introduce, I know. 

Fidget. 
My Lord, excuse me if I say, 
1 have no wish to see the play ; 



TO THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

By some I am deemed queer and rude, 

But never, Sir, will I intrude; 

Civility I like full well, 

And kind attentions always feel ; 

And when acquaintance have a route, 

I'd rather be ask'd than left out; 

Even so, I have resource within, 

Can read and write, tho' I can't spin; 

At home I'm always sure to find, 

Something to amuse my mind ; 

When tir'd with books I take a walk, 

And round my grounds with pleasure stalk; 

Confess I feel a little vain, 

To think I'm lord of this domain ; 

And very oft for pastime's sake, 

The stones from off the borders rake, 

And often take a spud in hand, 

As I saunter o'er my land, 

That thistles I may overthrow, 

Nor let obnoxious nettles grow ; 

With health of body, mind at ease, 

Pleasures so simple, joys like these ; 

Do you think that I need meanly stoop, 

To any Lord or any Duke ; 

Of independence 1 dont prate, 

That dont belong to our weak state ; 

At least, in my life's little round, 

No independence have I found ; 

We are each a link of one great chain, 

And help each other to sustain ; 

If from the rich, blessings flow, 

The poor small favours can bestow ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 71 

Pride is a thing I do despise, 

In humility, true widom ties, 

For it is clear since time began, 

Pride was never made for man. 

On the rocks' high top, the eagle bold, 

Thinks securely its strong hold ; 

Yet the pitiful eagle does infest, 

And robs the powerful eagles' nest ; 

And some poet well doth sing, -\ 

The spider has poison, the gnat has a sting, > 

And insects will buzz as they sport on the wing. J 

Lady E. 
Sir, I for you must feel the blow, 
We are related, you must know. 

Fidget. 
My Lady, if what you say is true, 
Much honor, I feel, is then my due ; 
The Fidgets I know are every where, 
But of relations I declare, 
Though I wish that I had many, 
I never knew that I had any ; 
The name of Fidget many claim, 
By marriage, my father took the same ; 
My mother was the] only one, 
And I by her the only son ; 
And as no son does spring from me, 
The last male Fidget hope to be. 

Lady E. 
On what ) ou say I cannot dwell, 
My genealogy does tell, 
That Fidget was my mother's name, 
And well my father knew the same. 



72 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget. 

What you say may be right, 
Indeed, 1 feel, you're quite polite ; 
And honor and joy 'tis to me, 
To find such a relative in thee. 

Lord E. 
Sir, the honor is on our side, 
That we to worth are near allied, 
To own you will always be our pride. 
If you a moment now can spare, 
I beg leave to disclose my care ; 
1 wish a trifling sum to borrow, 
What security you please shall follow, 
I'm sure I shall not want it long, 
But now a crowd of bills do swarm ; 
Times are so bad, so cheap the grain. 
That I my tenants cant distrain. 
Farmers most piteously do cry, 
Poor rates and cesses are so high, 
What they would sell, there's none to buy. 
Such times, indeed, we all do share, 
Little and great alike must bear; 
To them I'm sure you are no foe, 
Their poverty you well must know ; • 
I only want three thousand pound, 
And for the money will be bound. 

Fidget. 
Three thousand pounds a trifling sum, 
Surely, my Lord, you speak in fun ; 
Trifling to you it may appear, 
I got it by toil of many a year, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 73 

By labour and care it did arise, 

And what's hard got, we sure must prize; 

Indeed, I cannot stand your friend, 

For I my money never lend ; 

A maxim just I always follow, 

Never to lend, never to borrow ; 

Did I afford you present aid, 

Yet still the money must be paid ; 

Your debt would be just the same, 

The transfer's only in the name ; 

'Tis true, your bills you ought to pay, 

But you must find some other way; 

Retrench your servants, spare your hounds, 

And keep within your fortune's bounds ; 

Always be sure to live within, 

And not exceed your coming in ; 

Economy is no disgrace, 

1 speak it, my Lord, to your face ; 

And you will find in every land, 

An empty sack will never stand ; 

Excuse the liberty I take, 

Advice I give for your own sake ; 

Little neglect will bring great care, 

To avoid want we must spare, 

" For want of a nail the shoe was lost, 

" For want of a shoe the horse was lost, 

" For want of a horse the rider was lost," 

For soon the enemy did pursue, 

And cut the wretched man in two ; 

This great evil brought to bear, 

For the want of little care. 

L 



74 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Lord E. 
Sir, what you say is very true, 
But to rank, there's something due, 
You know I cannot cut and carve. 

Fidget. 
If nut, my Lord, your children starve, 
Rank, His true, has every claim, 
But prudence still must rank maintain ; 
And every one, my Lord, should know, 
If he has enough for show, 
Should he find that not the case, 
Let him draw in with proper grace, 
Let him at his country seat, 
Study to make his joys complete, 
Let him in virtue there be found, 
The first of all the country round ; 
Let his wise conduct there obtain, 
The homage due to iank and fame ; 
You find, my Lord, to your sorrow, 
When a man does come to borrow, 

Sage advice will always follow. 

Though 'tis not a pleasant task, 

Still, a question I must ask ; 

Your own good sense will plainly shew, 

Whieh is the highest of the two ; 

A Lord, who on his knee doth beg, 

Or a ploughman standing on his leg ; 

A maxim too, I fain would give, 

Do not put water in a sieve ; 

Another too, is in my mind, 

The truth of which, one day you'll find 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 75 

If, out of a tub you take too fast, 
The bottom you will find at last ; 
And when my Lord, the well is dry, 
For want of water you will cry : 
To speak so free I'd not presume, 
Had you not ask'd of me a boon ; 
You say your tenants are hard run, 
With cesses and taxes overdone ; 
I know the country very well, 
How yours act I cannot tell ; 

But for my own, I needs must say, ^ 

One sent to me the other day, \ 

To say, his rent he could not pay : 3 

Yet does he keep a pack of hounds, 
And through my woods their cry resounds ; 
'Tis true, I come in for a share, 
He now and then sends me a hare ; 
And farmerlike, at early dawn, 
Wakes the woodlands with his horn ; 
Oft mounted on his hunter bold, 
Leaves hirelings to attend his fold ; 
And when returned from the chase, 
His limbs the parlour sopha grace ; 
His wife too, in her one horse chair, 
Rides about to take the air ; 
Hisdaughters too, ladies must be, 
Are fond of dress and finery, 
In modern breeding do excel, 
Can play and paint, and dance so well; 
If true, what's whispered about, 
To a fortune quite it would amount ; 
l2 



76 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

The expences of their education, 
Which only unfits them for their station ; 
About a year or two ago, « 
A letter was sent to let me know, 
Repairs were deemed necessary. 

And Mrs. , wanted a new dairy ; 

As many years were gone and past, 
Since I had been at Low Farm last ; 
And before I lay my money out, 
I always choose to look about ; 
That I might not their fancy baulk, 
Sixteen miles I undertook to walk, 
But when arrived at the gate. 
I scarcely knew my own estate ; 
The house was all white painted o'er, 
Shrubs and grass plat fac'd the door ; 
And the farm yard so square and wide, 
Was turned round the other side ; 
For Madam said, it would not do, 
'Twas such a very frightful view ; 
Stinking dung and dirty sows, 
Grunting pigs and bellowing cows ; 
Oh, no, my dear, you cannot mean, 
That 1 should live in such a scene ; 
I, who in town did ever dwell, 
Can ne'er endure this horrid smell ; 
You must now your taste display, 
We'll have a lawn, what do you say ? 
It shall be done love, very soon, 
For they were in their honey moon ; 
Easy indeed, each one can tell, 
To do whatever they love well ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 77 

Though oft ungovernable we find, 

That wayward, stubborn thing called mind ? 

Let us but the fancy please, 

We then can govern it with ease ; 

And Madam has not all the blame, 

His taste for shew, was just the same ; 

And the young farmer had a spice, 

Of elegance, and lov'd things nice ; 

In modern taste he did excel, 

His living, horses, house do tell ; 

But as the price of grain was high, 

He could, perhaps, afford to buy ; 

For wind and tide he did not stay, 

And never thought of a wet day ; 

But now a change of time appears, 

He finds himself much in arrears ; 

For years past, cannot find the way, 

Unto my house, upon rent day; 

But this, his father well could do, 

Mounted on old Dobbin too, 

Punctual as the day came round, 

He at my house, was to be found ; 

In brown top boots he would be here, 

And lik'd to taste my home brew'd beer; 

At the back door he took his stand, 

And bow"d and scrap'd, with hat in hand; 

His gay son's more enlighten'd brain, 

His priz'd steed can scarce restrain, 

He boldly comes to the front door, 

And with contempt can view it o'er ; 

Talks of the beauties of the place, 

Or points where wants another grace, 



78 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

And with a smack so free and fine, 
Will tell if old or new the wine. 
Am I bound, my Lord, do ye say, 
This man's extravagance to pay ; 
No, No, my Lord, while this I see, 
Talk not of poverty to me ; 
Nature has given me two eyes, 
To use them well, some wisdom lies ; 
And if with sight I did dispense, 
Such things are proof for common sense ; 
You know, my Lord, I speak of one, 
Others a different course may run ; 
And many 1 know, unto this day, 
Plod in the old fashioned way. 

Lord E. 
As you have made a long harangue, 
I think it is time that I began ; 
What you, Sir, may prudence deem, 
I should call most horrid mean ; 
Extravagance may be a vice, 
'Tisn't half so bad as avarice ; 
And in your philippic is seen, 
Too much of scandal and of spleen ; 
If you the money will not lend, 
Then I must try another friend ; 
No more will I come here to borrow, 
And, Sir, I wish you a good morrow. 

Lady E. 
For the kind wishes that you lend, 
I do most humbly bow and bend. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 79 

Fidget 
Believe meLord and Lady E, 
I feel the honor you've done me. 

Lord E. 
Insolent, does he think to give 
Maxims to me how to live ; 
A fellow, by a mushroon ray, 
Sprung from nothing into day ; 
1 think I £-ave him a good poke, 

For me, 'twas beyond a joke. 

Lady E. 
I told you he was a stingy elf, 
Who car'd for no one but himself ; 
With his frightful maxims, trite and quaint, 
I reaiiy thought that I should faint ; 
Such vulgar sayings o'er and o'er, 
Lord C— — d deemed a horrid bore ; 
I told you he was a stubborn fool, 
With no more feeling than a mule. 
Their feelings thus these nobles broach'd, 

As they reclined in their coach ; 

While Fidget, with bitter anger stung, 

To express his feelings thus begun. — 
Fidget. 

What, they are gone, well, let them go, 

And did they think to cozen me so, 

Cousin, indeed, it makes me laugh, 

But old birds can't be caught with chaff; 

Who did ever make a rout, 

To find an humble cousin out ; 

But if dame Fortune in a freak, 

Should make a poor one rich and great ; 



SO THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

He then will find, that by the dozens, 
lie's friends, and relatives, and cousins. 
To wealth the haughty peer will bow, 
Wealth levels all distinction now ; 
What lady would a poor coz own, 
But a rich one is well known ; 
And my Lady, I'm sure, least of any, 
Wouldn't own me, did I want a penny ; 
Thoughtless, extravagant they be, 
As if moidores grew on every tree. 
His father, respected in his day, 
Liv'd like a Lord, in proper way, 
Yet he, his debts could always pay ; 
He made one handsome carriage do, 
But his son, he must have two, 
Then driving here and there about, 
No wonder they drive their fortune out ; 
But I dont want to interfere, 
Nor should I, had they not been here ; 
To beg that I would be their friend, 
And my money to them lend ; 
Enough for me, to mind that I, 
Be careful, not to step awry ; 
To my own whims I dont attend, 
Others" follies I will not befriend ; 
Dr. Syntax, did peruse with pleasure, 
Was pleased with the sense and measure ; 
Humour and spirit sweet did blend, 
But the book borrowed of a friend ; 
Such extravagance I cannot brook, 
As to give a guinea for a book ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 81 

Well, no more have I to say, 

About this Lord and Lady gay ; 

Still I'm vex'd, 1 own, to see, 

People from high to low degree, 

Despising thoughts of want and woe, 

And sacrificing all to show ; 

But if misfortune home they bring, 

With patience they must bear the sting 5 

How much we are misled by name, } 

Fortune and prudence are the same, > 

Imprudence we misfortune name. J 

So weak and vain, so prone to err, 

Evil to good we oft prefer ; 

And I believe, that very few, 

Who know the good the good pursue. 
Betty. 

Sir, the newspaper is quite dry, 
Shall let it on the table lie. 

Fidget. 
Put it down, I'll look it o'er ; 
Be careful how you shut the door ; 
The paper's full of vile reforming. 
Pillage, outrage, law destroying ; 
Reform, indeed, I see a chain, 
Of anarchy and confusion reign ; 

Let each one reform each one, t 

'Tis time that such reform begun; 
Let the idle love to work, 
Let no vile, hidden passion lurk ; 
And when of patriotism you prate, 
Call it discontentment of your state ; 

M 



82 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Look with candour in your mind, 
Envy and malice there you'll find ; 
From your own selves proceeds the sting, 
Which home to others you do bring ; 
Of reformation when you roar, 
Be sure that wisdom's at your door ; 
Tis easy indeed, to cry out fye, 
When others' errors we do spy ; 
Who has strong mind and judgment right, 
That what is wrong he could put right ; 
Let each content, act well his part, 
And love his King with all his heart'; 
And when pressing care we feel, 
Let 's put our shoulder to the wheel, 
And not unkindly throw the blame, 
On those whose feelings are the same ; 
We talk of want, we talk of woe, 
Nature must have a share I know ; 
But never, never did I find, 
A steady and industrious mind, 
That in want ever repin'd. 
The greatest want that I can see, 
Is general economy ; 
The want of care, the want of pains, 
To get and save their little gains ; 
Blessings I'm sure around us flow, 
That other nations scarce do know ; 
V es, we are like a wayward child, 
Who with constant pleasure spoil'd, 
Tir'd out with play, and play things too, 
Sits down and cries for something new ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 83 

If I rightly understand, 

We abuse the blessings of our land. 

Pass public house on Sunday morning 1 , 

Hear them laughing, ranting, roaring ; 

While one with newspaper in hand, 

Gives laws to rulers of the land ; 

And while they rave for want of cheer, 

Are getting drunk with good strong beer ; 

The wife too, at the cottage door, 

With ragged children three or four, 

Rails with angry air and face, 

At the gentry of the place ; 

And wonders how such things can be, 
For they no better are than she ; 

Poor foolish woman get you in, 

Go to your work, or sit and spin, 

Good management, care and toil, 
Would mend your clothes, your kettle boil ; 
You must assist yourself, and then, 
Comfort and pleasure will attend, 
With honor, profit, and a friend ; 
But vain would be all gifts to thee, 
Discontent can never filled be ; 
With sorrow, I such scenes do view, 
Yet will I give to all their due ; 
I never pass a cottage by, 
But with quick discerning eye, 
I look within well pleas'd to see, 
The comforts of industry ; 
White washed walls, sanded floor, 
Healthy children at the door, 
m2 



I 



84 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

The happy mother works and sits, 

Well pleas'd with her children's tricks, 

And when they hear their daddy come, 

The little toddling things do run, 

The loving wife well knows the tread, 

And soon the frugal meal is spread, 

Then in humble grateful prayer ; 

Happy to rest they do repair. 

Can riches buy such joys as these— 

The joys of simple nature's ease, 

That every worthy heart must please. 

And should misfortune e'er appear, 

Friends are always in the rear, 

For each one will bestow a mite, 

Upon the humble and upright ; 

And more source of joy they find, 

Than doth a more enlighten'd mind ; 

For things that many don't regard, 

To them is great delight, reward ; 

And often I think with a sigh, 

They are happier far than I ; 

1 love to see their happy faces, 

At wakes and fairs and all su«h places ; 

I like to hear their native roar, 

When punch comes thundering at the door; 

What would cause me much annoy, 

To them is greatest pleasure joy : 

But when the holiday is o'er, 

Let them return to their own door, 

With steady conduct and with grace, 

Each fill his own respective place. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 85 

Smiling plenty will go round, 
And joy and comfort too abound ; 
For should work be a little slack, 
And things do go a little back, 
Let them bear this in mind, 
Industry's never far behind, 
And though 'tis true she has no lands, 
She never wants while she has hands ; 
And should age or want e'er come, 
In his parish every one's a home ; 
An Englishman no want can find, 
]n laws that are both just and kind, 
But the good feeling I must praise, 
That was seen in my young days, 
None to the parish then would go, 
It hurt their honest pride you know ; 
But like the industrious bee did strive, 
Their own honey to take to the hive ; 
The young thought it great disgrace, 
In the parish house to have a place ; 
But I'm a fidgetty old man, 
And love each good old fashion'd plan. 
Who would change a pleasant lot, 
For riches that the great have got, 
What tho' the couch is made of down, 
'Tis labour only makes sleep sound, 
You little think the toil and care, 
That the great are doom'd to bear ; 
In carriages that pass by, 
Can you pleasure e"er descry, 
Feathers and flowers you may view, 
But do they hide the sickly hue ; 



86 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR^ 

Do they the smile of joy impart, 

That comes spontaneous from the heart ; 

Oppress' d with care, sickness, and spleen, 

From place to place they shift the scene ; 

Happiness for them's not made, 

Pleasures pursued, an empty shade : 

Sparkling gems and glittering things, 

Riches and honours — all have wings ; 

Pleasure's bubbles ever come, 

Before they're caught they're gone ; 

Grandeur from its towering height, 

Oft views the cottage with delight, 

And envies the peace that does dwell, 

With those who own the lowly cell. 

Behold a large party in a cart, 

Who laugh from the bottom of their heart, 

Drest out in their best attire, 

Delighted every thing admire ; 

In novelty much pleasure lies, 

And joy is doubled by surprise ; 

With Betty, Peggy, Patty, Joe, 

For all the family must go, 

Tho' jolted and crowded in their way, 

The more the merrier they say ; 

Thus pleasure is equal I well know, 

And all must have their share of woe, 

I work'd and sav'd in younger year, 

And thankful now do have good cheer, 

For dinner I see it doth appear. 

Man is but a poor weak creature, 
Use, 'tis true, is second nature, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 87 

And like a clock must be wound up 
With rest, when work he's done enough. 
Fidget was fond of early rising, 
Sluggard to him was quite surprising, 
Bwt nature, I suppose, did intend, 
As much sleep for him as other men, 
For some how or other it did hap 
That after dinner he would nap ; 
He's now compos'd to his mind, 
Yet no repose my muse can find ; 
Muse, did I say, oh, weak, oh, vain, 
I fear no muse inspires my strain ; 
For not one of the sacred nine, 
I'm certain bear the name of rhyme ; 
This is rhyme and it must amble, 
To the town, will take a ramble ; 
And in a parlour of that town, 
For a short while shall be set down, 
To hear the news about the nation, 
At a morning visitation, 
Or what our neighbours do befall, 
At a lounging morning call ; 
For ladies in a pleasant way, 
Will idle and chat their time away, 
And gentlemen will condescend, 
Sometimes the ladies to attend. 

Mrs. Gossip. 
Oh, I'm exhausted out of breath, 
I call to tell of Fidget's death ; 
In the night was taken very ill, 
Obliged to send for Dr. Pill ; 



88 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

He vow'dhe never would be bled, 
But he was cupped in the head ; 
He died, they say, so shocking hard, 
Begged and prayed so to be spar'd. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
Poor old man, Fm very sorry, 
Thought last night he look'd quite jolly ; 
I never knew him have a bout, 
Except from the rheumatic gout ; 
How often do we see it so, 
The strong and healthy sudden go ; 
If he, indeed, did beg and pray, 
I dont know what others must say ; 
He was by some call'd stingy, mean, 
Great good he did, though unseen, 
He had his own peculiar ways, 
Something to blame, but more to praise ; 
A man, that every one could trust, 
If not profuse, was strictly just ; 
A pious, steady, worthy man, 
Reason and prudence were his pi an ; 
His loss, Fm sure, we cant replace, 
Nor yet get better in his place. 

Mr. Sprightly. 
Well, he is gone, a change there'll be, 
And that is every thing to me ; 
I liked to hear him now and then, 
Hold forth a long harangue ; 
His mode and gestures were so odd, 
So funny looked his old brown bob ; 
That's a nice house, a pretty place, 
I think 'twill suit my uncle's taste ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 89 

Very like he did not know or care, 
Old sayings are thought vulgar airs ; 
That's a nice house, a pretty place, 
I think 'twill suit my uncle's taste ; 
I'll write him word this very day, 
And send it off without delay. 

Mrs. Wifft. 
Now, really I think, he had a twist, 
For he played so odd at whist ; 
But what did me always provoke, 
He'd find out if you did revoke ; 
Sharp as a needle I must say, 
Though his own cards, he bad did play, 
Then out of his mouth was sure to come, 
Something like a half bred pun ; 
Then with a simper, look around, 
As if his wit was most profound. 

Mr. Snarle. 
In his riches, he did sit enthroned, -n 

Judg'd others' feelings by his own, > 

And allowance, would make none ; ) 

Because he, forsooth, was old and dry, 
Thought no once else should step awry ; 
His advice so freely he would scatter, 
And every one around bespatter ; 
Formal, stiff, at others jeering, 
And at gay, good humour sneering ; 
I must confess, that I for one, 
Am not sorry he is gone. 

Mrs. Gossip. 
He was, indeed, most absurd, 
Never believ'd one half he heard. 

N 



90 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Mrs. Candor. 
In truth, kind folks, I must cry shame, 
That you so good a man can blame. 

Mr. Snarle, all know what you say, 

Goes for nothing every day ; 

Sprightly better keep your wit, 

The living not the dead to hit, 

When you are older you will know, 

Better than to chatter so ; 

Don't wonder, Winy, that you pout, 

Your money so often you lay out, 

To pay, I know, for revoking, 

'Tis, indeed, truly provoking ; 

An old man's silly pun or jest, 

Is excusable I must confess, 

I know their jokes they like to throw, 

And a ready smile I do bestow, 
'Tis pleasure to please age I know. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
And I am sure do say the same, 
And such conversation blame ; 
I wonder if he's left a will, 
But 1 declare here's Dr. Pill. 
Dr. you were my latest breath, 
I'm sorry to hear of Fidget's death. 

Dr. Pill. 
And sorrow indeed would be his due, 
If what you now say were true, 
He's a most worthy kind of man, 
But prudence he takes for his plan, 
WhichWill help to lengthen out his plan ; 



I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 91 

In the night he certainly did send, 
And beg that on him I'd attend, 
But now I happy am to tell, 
That I think he is quite well. 
Rhyme now you have had your gambol, 
Back again without preamble. 

Fidget Musing. 
Now my nap's compos'd mj brain, 
I think I will renew the strain, 
I'll try if I can make out, 
What all the people are about ; 
To what good will all these meetings tend, 
I puzzl'd am to find their end ;* 
And as I think that none do know, 
'Tis very clear I cannot show ; 
Of politics I do not boast, 
Leave thorn to those who rule the roast ; 
All with the laws I have to do, 
Is only to obey them too, 
For they serve and protect me to, 
Nor would I change my humble station, 
To be the ruler of a nation ; 
Grateful that providence has sent, 
Men that can fill the high behest ; 
Much pitty indeed I often feel, 
For those who rule the common weal, 
What arduous toil, what load of care, 
Are they for ever doom'd to bear ; 

*It must be very evident to my readers that great part of thU 
Book was written in 1817- 

N2 



} 



92 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

And as their station is so high, 

Each trifling error all can spy, 

Which magnified by envy spleen. 

Bandied about becomes a sin ; 

This proverb's true in every land, 

" Faults are in brass, virtues are wrote in sand." 

Justice I trust is on my side, 

That truth my honest feelings guide, 

The glowing purple ill repays, 

The taunting scorn the want of praise ; 

Kings are the same as other men, 

Alike in nature and in frame, 

Something like this about a King did read, 

And thought the sentiments most just indeed. 

The top most branch towering and tall, 

Others can save — on him the tempests fall ; 

A slave to each, yet all on him depend, 

The courtier's master — and the poor man's friend ; 

A free man bound, a ruler still is he ; 

His will tho' law — others he's] bound to free ; 

No love is his — in flattery's magic spell, 

By danger circled he is doom'd to dwell ; 

Who would desire a state of little ease, 

For dazzling splendour cannot always please ; 

We can't repay — nor ever should condemn ; 

Expect not Angels to rule mortal men . 

Our saviour said, his words were true, 

Honor to whom honor is due, 

When Dives did for his brethren pray, 

What did he then in parable say : — 

< f If those I've sent they will not hear, 

Vain that the dead do re-appear ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 93 



For should an Angel rule the land, 
Still they'd dispute his high command :" 
And dreadful too this truth is known, 
Some dare to doubt the Almighty throne ; 
Does Atheist his wondorous sense enhance, 
To say the world was made by chance ; 
Prove it and strike a random blow, 
Your goddess chance some form may show ; 
The planetary system scan, 
And view thy littleness, Oh, man : 
In the scale of beings what art thou, 
Who dares to erect the haughty brow ; 
Who dares with ignorance advance, 
Opinions about Providence : 
Nature with her thousand tongues, 
Says she alone to God belongs ; 
Religion and nature both proclaim ; 
How then can you be so prophane ; 
Such impious weakness 1 deplore, 
While I humbly do adore, 
And great happiness is mine, 
To think a being wise and kind, 
Supports this tottering frame of mine ; 
Had I, indeed, a seraph's fire, 
I'd strike each coid still higher and higher, 
And loud and long my notes I'd raise, 
To sing my great Creator's praise ; 
Still, still, too weak would be my song, 
Tho' echoing hills the notes prolong. 



When the soul is rapt inspire, 
FillM with devotion's holy fire ; A 



94 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

The scenes of time, of thought, of sense, 
Are but a vapourish recompense ; 
Thus Fidget felt, nor could renew, 
The trifling themes we must pursue, 
Of circumstance that do befal, 
While travelling on this earthly ball ; 
Till Joe, his meditation broke, 
And from his pleasing trance he woke. 

Joe . 
Mr. Snarle's man, this message bear, 
His master's comp'is, sent you a hare. 

Fidget. 
Mr. Snarle is always very kind, 
Here, take this shilling, do ye mind, 
My best thanks in the best way, 
Be sure proper speak, I say, 
Send Betty in without delay : 
Betty, this hare must farther go, 
For we dont want it, I well know. 

Betty. 
No, Sir, in the pantry there is store, 
Enough to last a week or more ; 
Kind Mrs. Wiffy sent some fish, 
That will make a handsome dish : 
And Mrs. Courtall, she likewise, 
Sent me some very nice mince pies ; 
'Tis so droll, I always mind, 
When one comes others close behind. 

Fidget. 
Very true, one this and that another sends, 
I find I live among my friends. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 95 

Betty. 
Of friends, think not I meant to mock it, 
But your best friend, Sir 's in your pocket ; 
Did you, Sir, really want this store, 
You'd never find it at your door ; 
For a good story, I could say, 
Of some fruit sent here the other day, 
Which by mistake, did go where 
Plenty of children would it share ; 
Delighted, the urchins viewed it o'er 
As the mother shew'd the precious store ; 
To-morrow, my boys, we will make, 
Nice pudding, which you shall partake ; 
Scarce had she spoke, when at the door, 
A single rap came as before ; 
Very sorry, the man, he said, 
Mistake about the fruit he'd made : 
Mistress did fret, rail and nidget, 
The fruit was meant for Mr. Fidget ; 
Well, take the fruit, the mother said, 
The tearful children hung their heads, 
Never mind, my boys, she cheerful, cried, 
Disappointments in this life abide; 
Recollect, that by this time to-morrow, 
Your pudding gone, so cease your sorrow 
But had she been, Sir, rich as you, 
She would have had a present too ; 
This tale the servant told to me, 
As I've related it to thee. 

Fidget. 
Betty, Betty, how you prate, 
You almost make me presents hate ; 



96 THERICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Pray take the fruit, and send it o'er, 
To the place where it went before ; 
In every mouthful that I took, 
IM see the children's piteous look ; 
But this hare, Betty, you must send, 
To Mrs. Highly, of Street End ; 
Tell Joe, best compliments to make, 
Hope the ladies they will take 
Dinner with me to-morrow day, 
Or before Mrs. Bounty goes away. 

Betty to this would fain say nay y 
But she had not now to learn, 
That her master could be firm. 

Fidget musing. 
From Betty I have learned a song, 
That I think will hold me long ; 

It's always very clear to me, \ 

From people in high or low degree, £ 

Something we may learn, I see ; J 

'Tis well we cannot see the tide 
Of fate, that ever does us guide ; 
What does to some great joy impart, 
Causes others a sad, tearful heart ; 
The man of pleasure hopes for sun, 
The farmer wishes rain to come ; 
But vain are the wishes of each soul, 
Steady the course of things must roll ' r 
This hare, now will prove a dainty, 
To Mistresses Highly and Bounty ; 
But I remember well the time, 
Highly on dainties always din'd ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 97 

Highly, with honest heart and hand, 

Was at every one's command ; 

His widow now, I've heard does find, 

He was too prodigal and kind ; 

He and 1 could not agree, 

He was too lavish much for me ; 

While he thought in me to find, 

A narrow and contracted mind ; 

And I believe it was quite clear, 

The medium in us did not appear : 

Tho' these events have broke the chain. 

Still I will renew the strain, 

And as I've nothing else to do, 

The newspaper will I review ; 

Do I read right, must they have all, 

The little, well as great, must fall, 

To prove this true, I am quite able, 

By Menacaes Aggrippa's far fam'd fable, 

Which he related to the Roman people ; 

The feet declar'd, theywould not carry, 

That lazy thing they call'd the belly ; 

The hands declared no work they'd do, 

And the teeth said they would not chew ; 

All kept their word, and in short time, 

The limbs and head, each part did pine ; 

No more the circling juices flow, 

The crimson current ceas'd to glow ; 

They broke the bond that form'd their glory, 

Plain is the moral of my story ; 

Q 



98 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Degrees of state subordination, 

Must exist in civilization ; 

And when the compact firm doth stand, 

Forms the strdng bulwark of a land ; 

And fortune wills it must be so, 

Some to be high and others low, 

But as her wheel does quick go round, 

How very often is it found, 

The lowest by conduct or by chance, 

Do perch upon the topmost branch ; 

The P for all his care and pains. 

Receives a pittance of your gain*; 
Does he within the bowels of the deep 
Profusely scatter, does he hoard or keep ? 
No, soon returns the ever flowing tide, 
For you to gather, or for you to hide ; 
No mercenary thirst in him does burn, 
What he had from you, soon he does return ; 
And tho* the pomp of state around doth glow, 
'Tis but the channel where your riches flow ; 
Economy's my study and my boast, 
But dignity of rank must not be lost ; 
I, a proud Briton, could not bear to see, 

My p in comparative poverty ; 

I, if the evidence of things can trust, 
Believe him noble, generous and just ; 
Such spirit and sense in him combine, 
That does bespeak a well taught mind ; 
Henry the Fifth I do retrace, 
Alike in courage and in grace ; 
Alike his enemies did subdue, 
For A gincourt read Waterloo ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 99 

And if rightly I can see, 

A oiest glorious King he will be ; 

Think not I aim at panegyric, 

I only aim to speak of merit; 

The last few years of life review, 

Pie firmly struggled, brought us through, 

Witness ye plains of Waterloo. 

And Castlereagh, thy name shall shine, 

While history can write a line ; 

And Wellington's victorious name, 

Fame's brazen trumpet loud proclaim ; 

Old as I am, this I do say, 

I'd walk ten miles on any day, 

Once to see thee, and Castlereagh. 

But I fear these eyes will never see. 

Any of the noble coterie, 

Of Wellington and victory. 

Humble aloof at distance stand, 

On the farthest corner of the land .» 

To hear thy praise and sound it too, 

Is all that simple I, can do, 

But this I feel, when you're all gone, 

Sorrowing England will thy merits mourn ; 

But I've said enough for wisdom's eyes, 

A word is still sufficient for the wise, 

In mean time Joe did repair, 
To Mrs. Highly with the hare; 
Delighted the present she did view, 
Was pleas'd with the attention to, 
o2 



100 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For Fidget was most respectful known, 
And so much wealth to he did own ; 
His character did stand so fair, 
Such strict integrity did appear, 
In all his actions all he said, 
That every person sought his aid ; 
But the message 'bout the invitation, 
Required a little consultation ; 
Mrs. Highly soon the talk began, 
And thus the conversation ran : — 

Mrs. Highly. 
What do you say — I think we'll go, 
We shall have a pleasant day 1 know. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
No doubt about a pleasant day, 
But sure we had better stay away ; 
The visit to me does odd appear, 
It will cause a joke I fear ; 
If other friends he does invite, 
Then, perhaps, it would be right, 
With you most gladly would I go, 
But this we must find out you know. 

Mrs. Highly. 
The servant man no doubt can tell, 
We'll have him in — do ring the bell. 

Joe said he knew not much about, 

But knew that Betty was put out, 

So very likely, added he, 

Master has axed companie. 

Mrs. Highly said it must be so, 

And word was sent that they would go. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 101 

Mrs. Bounty felt as people feel, 

But wisely her feelings did conceal, 

When they are drawn to act a part, 

They do not relish at the heart ; 

To her the right was not quite clear, 

Some impropriety did appear, 

She wished, at least, time had been long, 

To argue 'bout the right and wrong ; 

But as the message now was sent, 

She must submit to the event ; 

It was in vain to fret or stew, 

And the subject she would not renew, 

Argument she well knew vain, 

If Highly 's mind was not the same ; 

But she was pleas'd beyond all measure, 

With any thing that look'd like pleasure, 

And from this point she ne'er did vary, 

What she thought right could not miscarry ; 

So firm was she to he ropinion, 

As any one in this dominion ; 

To please herself was all her care, 

Ne'er gave a thought how others fare, 

Nor through life was she ever known, 

To study comfort but her own ; 

Ignorant and selfish in extreme, 

To herself profuse — to others mean ; 

No touch of kindness in her soul, 

Self, self, swallow'd up the whole ; 

For a crochet did jump in her head, ^ 

If she the Bachelor could wed, > 

On dainties then she should be fed ; J 



102 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

How could friendship e'er be seen, 
In two such opposite extreme ; 
How came two people link'd together, 
So unlike in mind and feature. 
Reader, if patience you will lend, 
Read on and you will see the end. 
When Joe the answer home did bring, 
To the parlour Betty was order'd in. 

Fidget. 
Betty, to-morrow I expect, 
A friend that I do much respect; 
You must then your skill display, 
In dinner nice— mind what I say ; 
The covers from off the cushions take, 
And every thing in order make ; 
Provide you must for three or four, 
I may, perhaps, invite one more ; 
In the best order mind things be, \ 

What's new and smart be sure they see, > 

For first impressions lasting be ; * 

And folks are caught by outside glare, 
But I hate such folly I declare ; 
I know full well what you can do, 
I'll leave every thing to you: 

Betty at first did sullen seem, p 

In humble life tho' she is seen, 
Had fits of anger and the spleen : 
But the last words her master spake, 
A more pleasing spirit did awake ; 
They serv'd to keep hercholer down, 
And to a smile they turn'd to her frown ; 



5 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 103 

Betty, I must say, had a heart, 

Wherein much goodness did have part, 

Tho' like other women, as they say, 

Was fond of having her own way, 

But if you humour'd her a little, 

She'd try and please you to a tittle : 

This her master well did know, ^ 

Experience long had taught him so, v 

And wise such conduct he did show ; j 

How often in families might be seen, 

Instead of quarrels joy serene ; 

A little gentle humouring, ^ 

Would cause to cease the horrid din, > 

Of most unpleasant bickering ; 3 

Such a fuss for trifles, what a rout, 

Each let their angry tempers out ; 

Which when obtain' d scarce pleasure yield, 

Not worth the contests of the field ; 

But firm resistance is quite right, 

When others try to take our right; 

And when the unjust seek to oppress, 
Justice demands we urge redress : 

And Betty knew her master's heart, 

Nor from him did she wish to part ; 

Such solid worth was in him seen, 

Though fidgetty all did him deem ; 

Some trifling thing would put him out, 

And he would kick up such a rout ; 

This was Betty's own expression, 

When to a friend she made confession, 

About the merits of her place, 

And each related their own case ; 



104 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

She knew when the testy fit was o'er, 

He'd be the same as heretofore ; 

If wrong, he- thought he gave offence, 

Would make a trilling recompense ; 

Justice, he always kept in view, 

Justice was what he did pursue ; 

Would others follow but this plan, 

Much strife would cease 'twixt man and man. 

The morning came, and on its wing, 
Different feelings it did bring ; 
Mrs. Highly, her faded form did view, 
Determin'd, her plan she wou'd pursue ; 
In her best suit was she array'd, 
Ribbons and flowers lent their aid ; 
Satin and gauze all flounc'd about, 
As if she were going to a route, 
Mrs. Bounty astonish'd, view'd her o'er, 
When she ope'd her chamber door. 
Mrs. Bounty. 
Mrs. H. I really must confess, 
You quite surprise me with your dress ; 
The whole morning you have nearly took, 
While I'v e been reading through a book ; 
Your carriage now must appear, 
You cannot walk in such gear ; 
It is, I think, half a mile or more, 
E'er we arrive at the Hall-door ; 
And late I fear, that we shall be, 
Mr. Fidget always dines at three. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 106 



Mrs. Highly. 
Not a moment after will he stay, 
For any one as I've heard say, 
He then begins to peg away ; 
As for the carriage that is done, 
I sent Strand to order number one. 

Mrs. Bounty cough'd and let it pass, 
Mrs. Highly hasted to the glass ; 
And to her friend was telling o'er, 
Her different gowns and dress the store, 
When the carriage stopp'd at the door. 

In the mean time in anxious mood, 
Their host at his window often stood, 
He strain'd his eye in hopes to see, 
Something of his company ; 
He often look'd, but look'd in vain, 
It never enter'd in his brain, 
As there were no wind or rain, 
The day was very clear and bright, 
And for walking did invite, 
That a carriage they would take, 
And so much parade would make ; 
Could scarce conceal his great chagrin, 
As they in form were usher'd in. 
It happen'd an hour or two before, 
Dr. Pill had knocked at the door, 
To inquire how his health had been, 
Since the last time he had him seen ; 
Which you, perhaps, may recollect, 
Of the damp sheets and their effect ; 
P 



1 



106 THE RICH OLD BACHJbi^... 

When his grateful thanks he did express, 
Fidget engag'd him for his guest ; 
Told him who the party were, 
And beg'd the dinner he would share ; 
The Dr. with pleasure said he'd come, 
When his business he had done ; 
The Dr. in haste did now appear, 
And soon they did partake the cheer, 
Which B etty in her kindest mood, 
Did send in both hot and good. 
Mrs. Bounty did exert her power, 
To dispel a cloud that she saw low'r ; 
And tho' but little she did say, 
So much good sense she did display; 
Ever great kindness mix'd between, 
Sprightly sallies might be seen ; 
One word in season well she knew, 
Was better than idly speaking two ; 
And well she had the happy knack, 
When to say this and when that, 
Her own kind feelings gave her tact, 
Her study was each one to please, 
Happy if she gave others ease ; 
Soon pleasure sparkled in each eye, 
Tho' scarce they knew the reason why ; 
Such children of nature, habit too, 
We do what we see others do, 
And one laughing happy soul, 
Can diffuse joy throughout the whole ; 
Should vapourish discontent appear, 
Or pride dress'd out in fashion's gear, 
Gay pleasure's lost in hate or fear. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 107 

Mrs. Highly good eating understood, 
Said all things were monstrous good ; 
Then she laugS^d to prove her wit, 
Hoping the bachelor to hit. 
He politely grinn'd applause, 
Though not pleas'd with empty noise ; 
And when the dinner was remov'd, 
Desert appear'd both choice and good, 
Port, Madeira, too were found, 
To be most excellent and sound : 
While to get these, said he, I'm able, 
No other I wish to grace my table, 
Except I hope I'm understood, 
What I make at home when that is good. 
When twice the sparkling glass did flow, 
Mrs. Bounty gave a hint to go ; 
That the gentleman as fashion will, 
Should longer sit and take their fill ; 
But vain each motion hint or look, 
No notice of it Highly took ; 
Quite thrown away each nod or nudge, 
She was determin'd not to budge ; 
But Fidget with his sharp keen eye, 
How things were going soon did spy, 
And as he wished her much to see, 
His garden and his parterre ; 
In his own old fashion'd way, 
Bluntly to her thus did say. 
Fidget. 
Do not think me unpolite, 
But if walking you do like, 
i>2 



108 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

I beg my garden you will view, 
And take whatever pleases you ; 
'Tis true that at this time of year, 
Many flowers do not appear ; 
But there is some nice Lauristine, 
And the Arbustus ripe and green, 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Gladly your shrubs, Sir, I will view ; 
Now, Mrs, Highly, what say you, 
Will the air be too sharp and keen, 
Do you prefer to stay within. 

Mrs. High ly 
Oh, do not think that I shall go, 
J should catch a thousand colds I know ; 
And monstrous foolish 'tis of you, 
To run the risk of doing so too. 

Now, Dr. Pill was humble kind, 
And well did know Fidget's mind; 
Knew when of wine he'd had his glass, 
That afterwards he'd let it pass ; 
As he of this expensive stuff, 
For the present found he had enough, 
Said with Mrs. Bounty he would walk, 
For much with her he wish'd to talk ; 
Rumour had whisper' d in his ear, 
What in the sequel will appear ; 
And as each felt an interest strong, 
Their conversation did prolong ; 
From the garden they returnM soon, 
And entered the drawing room ; 
Soon seated by a bl azing fire, 
House and furniture did admire ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 109 

Things of more note they had in view, 
And serious chat they did renew. 

The scene we now must shift soon, 

By entering the dining room, 

Where Fidget and Mrs. Highly sat, 

One thought of this, the other that. 

Each had their views and fram'd their plan, \ 

When to speak of Bounty they began, > 

And thus the conversation ran. 5 

Fidget. 
How long doth Mrs. Bounty stay, 
Hope she'll not haste to go away ; 
Tell me I pray you, if you can, 
What is now her present plan ; 
You are her friend, and can relate, 
Much of her history and stale. 

Mrs. Highly. 
La ! Sir, she is a queer woman, -n 

About the country now does run, > 

To get business for an only son: J 

Fidget. 
An only son, what children more, 
Perhaps, she's daughters half a score. 

Mrs. Highly. 
Daughters, I'm sure there is not one, 
A nd for some time they both were mum. 

Fidget. 
Mrs. Highly, I've heard there was a time, 
You were a good judge of wine ; 



110 THE RICH OLD BACHELOI 

Oblige me then, by tasting this, 
My friends tell me, 'tis not amiss. 

Mrs. Highly. 
I, good la ! a judge of wine, 
No, in my poor husband's time ; 
Me was a connoiseur they say, 
Much wine he drank too, every day ; 
Nor did he like to drink alone, 
So company was sure to come ; 
I'm sure this was a monstrous price, 
For really it is so very nice. 

Fidget. 
This pear looks tempting to the eye, 
Now do take a piece and try. 
Business for an only son, 
How can such a thing be done ; 
I have always heard the people say, 
Mr. Bounty was in a great way ; 
A skilful, clever man I'm told, 
Was he not careful of his gold. 

Mrs. Highly. 
Sir, you have nicely hit the case, 
I believe, I did my words misplace ; 
Profession, I should surely name, 
ff 'pothecary and surgeon are the same ; 
He might his father now succeed, 
And do too, as his father did ; 
But she says, I cannot stay 
Where things remind me every day, 
Of one, tho" lost, for ever dear, 
A change, she says, her heart will cheer ; 



iriE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 1.11 

But monstrous foolish I must say, 

From her bread and cheese to run away ; 

Bounty's been dead more than two year, 

Therefore, to me 'tis very clear, 

No business there is for her son, 

The place with doctors over run. 

To me in confidence she told, «% 

As Dr. Pill is growing old, > 

By giving him a sum of gold. 3 

Hard I'm sure, herself must ruff, 

Gold I know she's little enough ; 

To purchase for her son a share, 

Of the practice he so well can spare ; 

Unhandsome she thinks it would be, 

To bring him in without a fee ; 

But I tell her I would try, 

And no one's interest foolish buy ; 

1 have no doubt her son would do, 

For every one loves something new ; 

And many friends are left behind, 

To whom, when young, she was most kind, 

And some how or other she's the art, 

Of making people take her part. 

Fidget. 
What kind of youth, pray is the son, 

Mrs. Highly. / 

Oh, not with beauty over done, £ 

In age, he's in ore than twenty-one ; > 

There's something pleasing in his air, 1 

He's free and kind and debonair, ( 

All this I've heard his friends declare. 



112 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget. 
Is he clever, steady in his way. 

Mrs. Highly. 
He is a worthy lad, I needs must say ; 
And tho' he is an only child, 
Every one says he is not spoil'd ; 
And a little story F1I relate, 
That happened in his infant state, 
Mrs. Bounty and I to school did go, 
From that our acquaintance, Sir, doth flow ; 
And whenever I did ask, 
She would help me do my task ; 
Not flout and jeer as others wou'd, 
Who their learning understood ; 
But monstrous shameful 'twas of them, 
And she their conduct did condemn, 
Ever through life has been my friend : 
My great consoler too, she's been, 
Since I misfortune, Sir, have seen ; 
And so she ought, and thus repay, 
My kindness to her in younger day ; 
For alas, alas, some years ago, 
I kept my carriage, you must know ; 
And to keep her consequence alive, 
Oft times to see her 1 would drive ; 
And in my poor husband's time, 
Sometimes had her home to dine; 
Likewise, we would go and stay, 
And pass with them many a day ; 
'Twas kind in me to condesend, 
Prov'd how much I was her friend ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 113 

For I could ride out any where, 
And every pleasure I could share, 
As I said before did oft go there. 
Pier son was then a little child, 
Fine romping: boy, still he was mild ; 
One eve his mother told him o'er, 
Sweet childish stories, half a score ; 
Amongst the rest 'bout little boys, 
Who had neither food, clothes nor toys; 
Who hungry would sit and cry, 
With feeble voice and tearful eye, 
And beg of you for charity. 
Next morn, his milk before him sat, 
And when he'd ate 'bout half of that, 
Quiet he stopp'd nor would eat more : 
His mother ask'd him, o'er and o'er, 
What ails you love — your illness tell — 
Indeed, mamma, I'm very well ; 
Why not your breakfast eat, my dear, 
He softly whisper'd in her ear ; 
£ave it, mamma, I think it right, 
For the poor boys you said last night ; 
Who had neither clothes, house nor food, 
I think, mamma, 'twould do them good. 
Heaven bless my boy, the father sa id, 
While on his head his hand he laid ; 
The mother press'd his glowing cheek, 
While in each eye a tear did speak ; 
I thought the scene was very well, 
And so the tale I sometimes tell ; 

a 



114 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

My husband gave five pounds the boy, 
And wish'd the parents every joy ; 
But monstrous foolish 'twas of he— 
But there, he always was so free ; 
Then, Bounty from his pocket took, 
His note or memorandum book, 
And a paper gave to us to look. 
Some lines of Mrs. Bounty's own, 
Which she had written on her son ; 
As he did take it from the case, 
He said to her with smiling face, 
The prayer that you to heaven preferred, 
I trust, my love, is fully heard ; 
The lines, Highly, did commend, 
Begg'd too, that he might copy them ; 
This granted was, you may be sure, 
He did repeat them o'er and o'er ; 
And very much did me annoy, 
By wishing he had such a boy; 
Something I'll tell, so very strange, 
I had some business to arrange ; 
A paper was obliged to fetch, 
Locked in poor Highly's desk ; 
Can't say that I did like to go, 
So unlucky 'tis, you know, 
To touch whatever did belong, 
To those who are now dead and gone ; 
When out the paper it did drop, 
To pick it up I scarce did stop, 
And into my bag I did it pop 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 115 

Meant to ask Bounty, if she knew, -\ 

What in my bag I could her shew, > 

If you Sir, wish, the lines may view : J 

Fidget. 
If you will leave them, at my leisure, 
To hear you talk is now my pleasure : 
Mrs. Bounty, I fear, will not find ^ 

Things quite suited to her mind, > 

She appears so humble, timid, kind. J 

Mrs. Highly 
Oh, you don't know what a spirit, 
When she is rous'd, she does inherit ; 
If she does firmly make a stand, 
No one can move her, try who can ; 
And when she fancies she is right, 
She'll struggle through with all her might ; 
Determine, steady in her way, 
In every thing she does or say ; 

How it hapM don't know, at school, -\ 

But there, she was always sure to rule, > 

The poorest girl tho', in the school. J 

Her father was a worthy man, 
And curate to a clergyman ; 
All her friends were very poor, 
Rather genteel, to be sure ; 
I, you know, could drive or stand, 
With any lady in the land ; 
My family of high degree, 
And consequence they gave to me : 
Q2 



116 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

I was my father's only heir, "^ 

And much wealth came to my share, f 

It is all gone, I scarce know where ; * 

Except my marriage settlement, 

And that you know could not be spent ; 

My husband, his money, would lend out, \ 

We always lived as in a route , ^ 

Some way or other it came about. ' 

Of Bounty's spirit I will shew, 

Which happen 1 d in a school girl too : — 

You must remember, on my word, 

When our most gracious George the Third ; 

(Tho 1 many years it is ago, 

You can recollect, I know,) 

Was very ill, and like to die. 

And all Britannia's sons did cry ; 

My governess the same did tell, 

And I do remember well ; 

A better King, I fear, said she, -\ 

None of us will ever see, > 

We can't have better, sure, than he ; * 

To heaven let'sput up fervent prayer, 

In mercy trust that heaven will spare ; 

But if it is his fate to die, 

No one can save him, you or I ; 

And if we search the kingdom round, 

I do not think one can be found, 

That would his life a ransom pay, 

Even for such a king, I say ; 

What say you girls are any here, 

That doth love their king so dear ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 117 



That such a sacrifice would make, 
And suffer for their country's sake. 
Up jump'd Miss Goodall in a flame, 
That was then Mrs. Bounty's name, 
Her neck and cheek of brightest hue, 
Her dark blue eyes did sparkle too ; 
I'll die for the King, she boldly cried, 
While rush'd to her face the crimson tide 
Delighted governess kiss'd the child, 
Told her she was bold as mild, 
May fortune e'er be kind to thee, 
You've a warm heart I plainly see : 
And I'll relate another case, 
Some water was spill'd o'er the place ; 
An accident which Goodall did, 
And for the same others were chid : 
When she hear'd this she boldly came, 
Told Governess she did the same, 
And that she only were to blame ; 
We all knew with trembling heart, 
She thus did honestly act her part, 
So from that time the little chit, 
Was Governess prime favourite. 



Mrs. Highly paus'd in her prattle, 

For she heard the tea things rattle, 

Joe in the parlour enter 1 d soon, 

To say tea was in the drawing room ; 

Mrs. Highly bless'd herself alone, 

To think the time so quick had flown ; 

When like a very happy pair, 

To the drawing room they did repair ; 



118 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Where Pill and Mrs. Bounty sat, 

Still engagM in serious chat ; 

Now tea and coffee went about, 

And smiles and sallies flew about, 

F^r the old Dr. lov'd a joke, 

As well as any other folk ; 

He stories told and then look'd sly, 

Out something came both droll and dry ; 

And scarcely together could be met, 

A much happier quartett' ; 

But pleasant moments will not stay, 

And moments of pain to pass away ; 

For scarce were tea and coffee o'er, 

When the carriage stopped at the door ; 

For as they did go out to dine, 

It was order'd at nine; 

Mrs. Highly she began to fret, 

Said she, the carriage I'll send back ; 

Mrs. Bounty firmly said no, no, 

I'm sure, my dear, 'tis time to go ; 

The ladies kindly said adieu, 

And soon were driven out of view. 

Mrs. Bounty said, His very dark, 

No notice was took of the remark ; 

The ladies together silent sat, 

While the gentlemen engag'd in chat ; 

Thus vice versa, if 'tis true, 

What the wits do say of you, 

That ladies can never hold their tongue, 

And gentlemen are taciturn. 

Fidget much wished to find out, 

What Mrs. Bounty was about, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. ]]9 

Fidget 
Dr. I beg you'll let me know, 
How things are going, so and so. 
He too grateful to refuse, 
Said he'd tell him all the news, 

Dr. Pill. 
Mrs. Bounty, Sir, has ofFer'd me, 
The sums of hundreds — one, two, three, 
If of her son I will take care, 
And of my practice let him share ; 
I have agreed, Sir, so to do — 
What do you say, Sir, what would you ? 
1 daughter have clever, fair, 
Who will be my only heir ; 
Another bargain should they make, 
Then back the money he may take ; 
She older is, I know, than him, 
But that don't signify a pin ; 
Better housekeeping there'll be, 
When the elder one is she. 

The Dr. so pleas'd with his plan, 
That in talking on he ran ; 
Fidget was turning in his mind, 
To do an act both good and kind, 
On the table too he beat his nail, 
A habit he did seldom fail, 
When he ruminating sat, 
Or listen* d to another's chat ; 
At length the Dr. thus address'di 

Fidget. 
What think you, Pill, of my two guest ; 



120 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

To so many places you have been, 
Such different persons you have seen, 
You must with your discerning eye, 
The cast of character descry. 
Dr. Pill. 
True various mortals I have seen, 
Since in practice I have been ; 
Some suffering the most acute pain, 
Yet scarcely deigning to complain, 
While others if their finger smarted, 
Would fret and cry and be down hearted ; 
But the worst disease I've seen, 
The French call ennui — we call spleen, 
No Dr. can cure that I ween ; 
All I have seen no one must view, 
But I will not be mum to you. 
Respecting those two ladies fair, 
The one so free and debonair. 
The other shrivelled up and lean, 
As if worlds of trouble she had seen ; 
I knew them both in childhood's state, 
And can their history relate. 
Mrs. Bounty was early taught to know, 
Virtue is happiness below ; 
That on herself she must depend, 
And that it was her beings end, 
To be useful in every state of life, 
As daughter, mistress, friend and wife ; 
Her passions she was taught to curb, 
Others wishes to her own prefer'd ; 
Her manners open, cheerful, gay, 
Kind, unaffected, in her way ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 121 

In learning scant, in clothes but spare, 

To improve her mind her greatest care ; 

Much lov'd by all f do declare. 

To kind good humour she was prone, 

But liv'd, not for herself alone, 

Others might share her little store, 

And grateful when she could get more ; 

She to close reading was inclin'd, 

And that improv'd her opening mind ; 

Her father so orthodox and sound, 

Would make her oft some text expound ; 

History she lov'd and poetry, 

O'er a fiction too, would sit and cry; 

Such different studies she did find, 

Gave knowledge and vigour to her mind ; 

For nature's favourite child was she, 

In quickness and capacity ; 

Something in her look you'll find, 

That proves she doth possess a mind, 

Firm, but gentle and refined ; 

And 'tis very clear to me, 

Her equal there can never be ; 

Great powers of mind she doth possess, 

But the strong wishes of her breast, 

Are to make others truly blest. 

Her air so noble, still she's free, 

With condescending dignity ; 

Place her in a cottage low, 

Comforts around she would make flow ; 

Or seat her on a princely throne, 

With graceful ease she'd be at home : 

R 



122 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

In her own immediate sphere, 

What active goodness does appear ; 

Are any ill and want a friend, 

To Mrs. Bounty soon they send, 

She heed*? not either night or day, 

To the poor or rich she'll haste away : 

The rich they raise their languid eye, 

Well pleas'd to see that she is nigh ; 

Say much it doth our heart rejoice, 

To hear your kind and friendly voice : 

To the poor she consolation lends, 

Tells them to hope for health and friends; 

Bids them with firm reliance trust, 

On God above, who's kind and just ; 

Tells them never to despair, 

If good they have protection there ; 

If life in wickedness is spent, 

Bids them hasten to repent ; 

Tells the joy that heaven doth find, 

In only one repenting mind, 

To them she ope's her little store, 

And begs that heaven will send more. 

To sound her praise I ne'er can end, 

As mother, mistress, wife, or friend ; 

The great respect I have for her, 

Her son for my daughter I prefer, 

Much before any other one, 

Though he be with riches overdone ; 

It always doth apf ear to me, 

Very useless it would be, 

To graft good stock on a bad tree. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. ]23 

Here Fidget writhed in his chair, 

As if something was unpleasant there ; 

A sort of whisper seem'd to say, 

YorTve thrown a precious gem away; 

So vex*d and mortified a look, 

If he'd pebble for a diamond took ; 

And when the Dr. made a pause, 

Fidget ask'd, he said— 

Dr. Pill. 

Because — 

Highly now must have a share, 

And to speak of her, I don't much care ; 
She's a most wayward, pamper' d elf, 

Who cares for no one but herself ; 
Affluence and pleasure she has known, 
But liv'd for her own self alone ; 
For never would she any day, 
Put herself out of her own way, 
To serve her nearest, dearest friend, 
Unless her own pleasure was the end ; 
She had no notion of her own, 
To others kindness must be shown, 
Thought the world was made for her alone. J 
She was, if what the world said right, 
Madam Fortune's favourite ; 
Her husband was a worthy man, 
And followed quite a different plan ; 
What he would generous give away, 
She'd spend about herself, I say, 
And none did e'er her bounty know, 
Except a favourite maid or so ; 
2 



1 



124 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

No blessings on her steps attend, 

She'd ne'er assist a humble friend, 

Nor pity or consolation lend. 

But her own woes she will relate, 

And worry with her endless prate, 

About some trifling bit of news, 

How sits her gown, how pinch her shoes ; 

If her husband had a plan in view, 

A different one she would pursue ; 

And teas'd and vex'd the poor man's life, 

With her fidgeting and strife ; 

They and their fortune soon were parted, 

I believe he died half broken hearted ; 

But bless my heart, how I do prattle, 

And like old woman too, I tattle. 

Indeed, to stop theDr.'s tongue. 
Fidget, for supper, long had rung, 
And soon came in both meat and tart, 
And here the Dr. played his part ; 
But Fidget was temperate in his meat, 
He eat to live, not liv'd to eat ; 
Now before the Dr. went away, 
Fidget to him thus did say — 
Do call to-morrow at my door, 
I wish to talk some business o'er ; 
When my head's upon my pillow laid, 
I'll think it o'er, much may be said ; 
In my pillow I always find a friend, 
That I'll consult 'till life doth end. 

Before Fidget went to sleep, 
Into the paper he did peep ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 125 



The lines of Mrs. Bounty's own, 
Which she compos'd on her son ; 
Said he, the deed it shall be done ; 
For unto what better end, 
Can I my money ever lend, 
Than so worthy a woman to befriend . 

Now, reader, as F peep"d o"er two, 

The lives I can present to you. 

It so did happen on a day, 

A visit she had been to pay ; 

On her return she hasted soon, 

Into her darling's sleeping 1 room, 

Where in sweet repose he laid, 

With anxious fondness on him gaz'd ; 

When o'er her mind these thoughts did float, 

And with a pencil she then wrote, 

The soft effusions of her mind, 

In neither prose or verse \ou'Il find. 

" Sleep on, sweet boy, let thy soft cheek the 

Pillow press. Thy litttle hand so careless thrown 

Invites a mother's kiss; 

But no, forbear, such foolish fondness check ; 

Disturb not such repose ; 

Repose that Kings and Princes oft would give 

Whole kingdoms to obtain. 

Hail innocence, best friend of peace, 

Parent of happiness, 'tis thou bestows, 

The placid smile, the slumber sound . 

Sleep on sweet boy, and rest secure in 

Virtue's charge. Well might the 

Saviour of mankind declare, unless 

Like children guiltless we become, 



126 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

We could not share his glory . 

Sleep on, dear child, while 1 to Heaven 

Address a mother's prayer. 

While in the flowery path of youth he treads 

With gay delight and buoyant spirits, 

May innocence his steps attend ; 

When further on advanciug life's 

Thorny road business and cares perplex, 

Temptations oft assail, 

Then virtue be his guard : make him 

Stand firm in truth and honor's cause ; 

And gentle pity fail not thou to shed 

Thy softening powers, make him 

To feel for others, and with liberal and 

Sympathizing heart, bestow his mite. 

Then oh, Religion, bright celestial maid, 

Heaven's best gift, he will 

Be all thy own, for in thee combine 

Innocence, virtue, and charity ; 

This is his mother's prayer, and grant, 

Oh, Heaven, he may be all I ask." 

Well, said Fidget, in these lines, 

Such goodness and such sense combine, 

That better my wealth I can't bestow, 

Than sharing it with her 1 know ; 

To morrow my plan I will pursue, 

When Dr. Pill again I view ; 

With feelings of pleasure and delight, 

That all do feel when they act right, 

And thxt calm happiness we find, 

When in peace with all mankind. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 327 

Fidget sunk to soft repose, 
Nor wak'd till light Aurora rose; 
Or in other words as I've heard say, 
" Bright Phoebus usherM in the day." 

Scarce had he took his morning cheer, _. 

When the good Dr. did appear, 
And the business soon was done, 
Which Fidget had been thinking on ; 
To the Dr. to He gave a fee, 

And he did promise secresy. 

Quick days and weeks did pass away, 

For days and weeks they will not stay ; 

Spent in pleasure or in pain, 

We cannot call them back again, 

This maxim sure we should hold fast, 

Nor a moment unimprov'd ought pass. 

Soon Mrs. Bounty to her mind, 

Was quiet, settled — friends all kind ; 

Her son, by Pill's assistance to, 

Soon found he something had to do, 

For though in practice young was he, 

His manners were kind, obliging, free ; 

With soft compassion in his air, 

He'd listen to all tales of care, 

Of want or sickness, pain, or grief, 

And try'd his skill to give relief; 

His person well proportion'd tall, 

Was graciously received by all ; 

True in his manly looking face, 

No line of beauty you could trace, 

Something much better I declare, 

Candour and goodness were stamped there ; 



128 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

The unmarried lasses of the town, 

The gay, the grave, the fair, or brown, 

Received him as a new come beau, 

And all declared he was so, so ; 

Soon through the town their fame did run, 

So good a mother — kind a son ; 

And Mrs. Bounty did from all, 

Politeness due receive, and call 

From those who do receive and pay, 

Visits in fashionable way ; 

Such courtesy for her son's sake, 

Most kind and grateful she did take ; 

Well she knew the youthful mind, 

For amusement was inclin'd, 

And it is the parents part, 

To study the wishes of the heart, 

Choose proper society for your child, 

Oft times prevents him running wild ; 

And if you wish him not to roam, 

Strive to make him blest at home, 

Judicious care should shift the scene, 

And business and pleasure intervene ; 

Not thwart that overflowing spirit, 

That some from nature do inherit, 

With too much rigour unremitting, 

Reproof severe and unrelenting; 

Join in his little whims and fun, 

Thus have a friend as well as son ; 

Remember your clays of youthful error, 

Nor be the father view"d with terror. 

Soon little parties went about, 
Sometimes a dance, sometimes a rout ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. *I79 



Sometimes a dance, sometimes a route ; 

Often to bread and cheese invited, 

And a cold bone was never slighted ; 

Thus with friends out, or friends at home, 

She seldom found herself alone ; 

And she, as I before did say, 

Had a certain pleasant way, 

With her kind obliging tongue. 

To please alike, both old and young ; 

Altho' of a superior mind, 

Was feeling, complasant and kind ; 

None of that paltry pride so mean, 

Which in the little mind is seen ; 

Who will sometimes condescend to know — 

At others not a look bestow — 

Should it appear that your fortune's low ; 

What are we all, she laughingly would say, 

But little bits of animated clay ; 

Why should one worm insolent, rear his head, 

A bove his brother worm, or on him to tread ; 

Whose fault, I wish to know, your's or mine, 

That fortune's favors do not on us shine ? 

Depend upon it we should all be high, 

Had we the power to fix our destiny ; 

Did we all our own fortunes carve, 

Who, I ask, would prefer to starve j 

But we are all in heaven's sight the same, 

Though low in birth, their virtue has the claim— 

And to be good should be our highest aim. 

Merit she ever could descry, 

Either in the low or high ; 

Did things appear but dull and flat, 

She then would find some pleasant chat ; 



*I80 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

To cause t lie dimple and the smile, 
And pleasantly the time beguile ; 
And though so vulgar thought you know, 
Yet tricks upon the cards she'd show, 
A pert conundrum too, she found, 
To make the sportive wit go round— 
And to please the young ones too, 
Their future fortunes she would shew, 
With cards, which she herself did write, 
To promote instruction and delight ; 
She knew the young mind was eager bent, 
And much on future scenes intent ; 
My dears, she'd say, when she began, 
Let profit and pleasure be your plan. 
Not one who lives upon this ball, 
Is allowed to tell what will befall- 
Wisely the book of fate is closed, 
What boots it thee to be disclosed ; 
The joy or sorrow of your fate, 
Both will be yours, sooner or late ; 
How sweet is unexpected joy, 
That oft cloth come without alloy— 
And foretold sorrow must be double, 
By adding to our weight of trouble ; 
But this I truly can relate, 
Our conduct oftimes forms our fate, 
For folly doth cause us great annoy, 
And vice doth happiness destroy : 
The cheerful joke she thus sent round, 
While she reflected pleasure found ; 
And her kind influence too was shed, 
On those who ownM the elder head ; 
For jarring strife might now be seen, 
And discord dire did intervene. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 129 

'Twixt Mrs. Tit and Mrs. Tat, 
Caused by idle tales and chat ; 
With kindness beaming in her eye, 
Like minister of grace did try, 
To make that right which was awry. 
Let her example teach all those, 
Who by sly hints and inuendos, 
Fill the warm heart with dire mistrust, 
Instead of confidence, place distrust ; 
The same words spoke in different way, 
Much different meaning will convey ; 
This doctrine is both sweet and sound, 
Blessed the peace maker is found. 



Now Mrs. Bounty did invite to tea, 
A party that we call a snuggery ; 
Two or three females that were friends most old, 
Who still a rubber lik'd, I have been told ; 
Mr. Fidget invited was, the only beau, 
When on that night, it oft will happen so ; 
From various causes disappointments spring, 
And oft expected pleasure does take wing ;. 
For keen and bitter blew the wintry blast, 
And rain and sleet in torrents too, fell fast ; 
Excuses certain, from the ladies came, 
But Mr. Fidget is a lover named, 
Did he refuse to go, all would him blame ; 
Poor lover, he who braves not wind and tide, 
For faithful love, his polar star should guide; 
And Fidget, tho" not a sentimental man, 
Was very firm, when he had forrn'd a plan— 
s 



130 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

He watch'd the weather, Joe sent to the door. 

Times at least, I may say half a score — 

Still Joe returned with countenance so sad, 

Never was night so dark, or one so bad ; 

'Tis most unlucky, but we can't help that, 

You get the lanthorn, Betty, get my hat — 

Betty exclaim'd, to speak, I must be bold, 

For certain, Sir, you'll catch your death with cold : 

The wind so high, and it does rain and blow ; 

Can't help it, Betty, I for certain go ; 

Away, like hero, proudly did he stalk, 

While Joe before, most sulkily did walk; 

'Tis true, rude Boreas every breath did strain, 

To drive my hero to his home again, 

But to a man determined, it was vain : 

For trifling ills cannot great minds subdue, 

Fidget was firm and did his way pursue : 

Betty within, said master sure is mad, 

Ne'er did he venture forth in night so bad ; 

But one so obstinate, sure, none did see, 

I only wish that he would ruled be, 

But nobody he minds, no, not he. 

Mrs. Bounty was pleased when he did arrive, 

At the same time express'd her surprise ; 

This is indeed, an unexpected treat, 

Sorry I am, that none will here you meet; 

The weather so bad not one would venture out, 

Nor did I think that you would be so stout ; 

A rubber we can't have, what shall we do ? 

Do you play chess, will that amuse you ? 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 131 



Fidget. 
At chess I never learned to play, 
So we must chat the eve away ; 
1 like to talk oid stories o'er, 
And as i once did say before, 
Should like to hear bout Mary Moore ; 
She was your friend and well I know, 
Much trouble she did see, and woe. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
"Tis very true, Sir, I can tell, 
What much to Mary Moore befel ; 
In early life, we many days did spend, 
And ever since have we been constant friend ; 
Her father, the first man in this town, 
And she for beauty so renown'd, 
Her heart was cheerful, firm and kind, 
To goodness every way inclin'd ; 
And though high-spirited was she, 
And rather proud, yet always free ; 
Sweet charity lov"d to dispense, 
Yet none could boast more elegance ; 
I us'd to think that she was born, 
That some court she might adorn, 
And 'tis true, there was a time, 
A Duke, they said, bow'd at her shrine; 
But I have heard of tide and fate, 
Tho' of it do very seldom prate ; 
Most certain, things do odd turn out, 
Events most strongly come about, 
Contrary to short sighted view, 
When other plans we do pursue ; 
s2 



132 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Admirers every where she found, 

Lovers in plenty did abound ; 

Supposed rich, that some did say, 

Went with many a great way ; 

I'm sure wherever she did go, 

She was courted and caressed so, 

That the head of many a girl, 

In her place would giddy whirl ; 

But a mother, whose superior mind, 

Check'd this vanity in time, 

And implanted in her early youth, 

The seeds of tenderness and truth ; 

For she saw with a parent's eye, 

And curb'd each bad propensity, 

By pointing out futurity ; 

So intelligent and clever she, 

Yet studied great economy, 

And tried all in her little power, 

To avert the impending hour, 

She sooner or late saw must come, 

And leave them without friends or home : 

For she felt with anxious care, 

Their circumstances impaired were ; 

Knew if her husband were to die, 

He would leave no property ; 

At least, but very little more 

Than keep bare want from the door ; 

Surrounded by delicacy and taste, 

She grievM that she was forc'd to waste, 

Felt that gay mirth and such good cheer, 

Was bought by her much too dear;' 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 133 

And as none could see behind the scene, 

She was caird by many stingy, mean, 

This gave a sort of crossness to her air ; 

To us morose she often would appear ; 

For you, Sir, have not now to learn, 

That youth from peevishness will always turn ; 

But had I known what was her agony, 

None would have felt more bitterly than I ; 

But she, Sir, smother'd so her woe, 

For her husband he would have it so ; 

He had a proud and generous heart, 

And freely with money he did part, 

In his profession as a Church Divine, 

Most noble qualities did in him shine ; 

My father was his curate — perhaps you know. 

Many deeds of kindness from him we do owe ; 

And though to them we might be cali'd mean, 

In Mary's eyes I differently was seen ; 

For she had the kindest noblest heart, 

That ever form'd of human mind a part, 

And I did love her in my early days, 

Yes dearly lov'd — and thus must sound her praise, 

When I was scorn' d and treated with neglect, 

She then to me would double her respect ; 

And to her kindness and indulgent care, 

Many happy days of pleasure I did share ; 

And she was to her mother's fondest pride, } 

5 

In prudence to she would her oft deny, 

Then she to her father turned her wishful eye ; 



Not for herself, but her she often cried, 
But this I said before did ever hide ; 



134 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Dear girl, he cried, I beg you'll let her have, 

Though I for it my onlv penny gave ; 

In youth, you know, great expectation lies, 

And they are much too sanguine to be wise ; 

Thus father spoil'd — yet still she had much worth, 

Her beauty great, and noble was her birth, 

And every one did think her fate would be, 

To marry one of very high degree ; 

This speculation, well you know, was vain, 

For a relation of her mother's came, 

Frederick Macdonald was his name, 

In Scotch regiment of great renown, 

Who were long quarter'd in the town, 

And though an humble ensign he, 

Soon of their house he was made free ; 

For he had those engaging ways, 

That all do like and all do praise ; 

The consequence was very plain, 

They soon possess' d a mutual flame, 

The parents now themselves did blame ; 

Macdonald was the house forbid, 

Her father for the first time chid. 

Tho' love in time may sink, decay, 

It can't be sudden torn away, 

And such letters pass'd between, 

As I before had never seen, 

For never was there a constant pair, 

Who had more love or more despair ; 

Bitter feelings did her bosom wring, 

Tears she sought and sighs did bring ; 

Unclouded her sun had always shone, 

And grief till now she ne'er had known, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 135 

And hearts that thrill with sweetest pleasure, 

Drink sorrows cup in greatest measure. 

Her father found chiding would not do, 

So another plan he did pursue, 

Told her how miserable was he, -x 

If thus engaged she would be, v 

And made her promise to be free ; ) 

A high wrought letter now she wrote, 

Though her sad heart was almost broke; 

Now sway'd by love — now did duty guide, 

And they by turns her feelings did divide ; 

I thought she would have sunk beneath her woe, 

But a stroke more cruel she did undergo ; 

Her mother whose health had long deelin'd fast, 

Now in her daughters arms did breathe her last ; 

Doubled her sorrow, bitter was her grief, 

I tryM my little skill 'to give relief; 

But where can the drooping daughter find, ^ 

A pillow so soft, so gentle, and so kind, > 

Like the fond breast maternal enshrin'd. J 

All thoughts of love awhile forgotten here, 

In the loss of one so very justly dear. 

Cheerless and sad — inwardly she pin'd, 

But in my desk surely I can find, 

Some lines to prove her wretched state of mind ; 
So clever she w 7 as and very sensible, 

In prose or verse could write exceeding well ; 
For nature to her, I'm sure, had not been spare, 
Educated too with greatest thought and care. 
*Tis many years since I these lines have seen, 
And when she wrote them she was but nineteen : 



136 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Here they are — the paper's torn you see, 
For oft it has been open'd by me. 

SCRAP THE FIRST. 
My lyre's unstrung, each dulcet cord 
Is wet with many a sorrowing tear. 
Come mournful muse, in pittying accent, tell 
The source of woe that dips my pencil 
Now in sombre black; 

Fantastic joy, no longer shall you dance before 
My once happy senses; no more this heart 
Shall bound with transport of delight; 
Each bliss is fled, and life's bright day is 
Clouded by despair. 

My youth, bright scene of joy, alas, how dim ! 
How bleak each prospect, dismal 
And forlorn, my buds of hope all broken 
And decay, blithlyl sail'd on pleasure's fairy stream, 
And gaily pluck'd joys ever fading flowers ; 
And when night came thought of a radiant morn, 
Now others must dance in the gay 
Round of mirth, while I alone sit melancholy sad, 
Brooding o"er woes which make each 
Throbbing pulse beat tenfold quicker, 
For oh, how ill can the soul bear keen recollection 
When oppress'd with woe. 
Flow on ye bitter tears, oh, could you but 
Dispel each grief, still should you flow from 
These sad eyes, which see each happy prospect fade. 
Burst swelling heart, that cannot feel, 
E'en distant hope to soften thy despair ; 
Say mind, thou unlimited essence, say 
Whaftis thou art composed of? That thus I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 137 

Feel each tender fibre ache : 

And with accumulated griefs, bear down my 

Sensive soul : that soul which ought 

In life's keen, rugged path, to stand me firm ; 

Where gone all energetic fire ; 

Where fled each buoyant fancy, that 

So oft bewildered my weak sense 

In joyous 'maze ! Where is my reason ? 

Where religion's force ? All gone, all fled. 

And firmness is no more ; lost with 

Vain hope, and nought remains for me 

But fell and dark despair ; which I 

Embrace, full well assur'd tho' bitter 

Cup it be, 'twill not deceive. 

Fidget. 
Don't understand them, pretty they may be, 
But 'tis, I think, a feeling rhapsody, 
Good, common sense does always best suit me ; 
Still I feel for her, because I well know, 
The young feel keenly the first burst of woe. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
More feeling than reason, perhaps they do possess, 
But some there are that do feel to excess ; 
And by mistake they think it a relief, 
To starve their hope, that they may feed their grief; 
And she had not liv'd long enough to know, 
This year a thistle, next the myrtles blow ; 
That by exertion thorns will disappear, 
And leave the rose more beautiful and clear ; 
And flowers and weeds luxurious will expand, 
On. the rich soil, the warm, prolific land ; 

T 



138 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

While on the cold and sterile hills of snow, 

Nor flowers, nor weeds, are ever known to grow ; 

A nd she bred up in luxury and care, 

The ills of life had never learn'd to bear ; 

And if perfection we -can't find in man, 

The weaker vessel, Sir, you should not scan ; 

But I have many scraps, here is one more, 

Oblige me, Sir, by reading this one o'er; 

Which she did write, as I shall present say, 

When with her husband she went far away. 

SCRAP THE SECOND. 
These lines pass'd o'er me, as I silent stray'd, 
Along the distant land and unknown glade, 
Where all was new, and every passer-bye, p 

Did boldly stare, or with averted eye, £ 

Coldly or saucily did pass me bye. * 

Inspir'd by pity, fain would my tender muse, 

Sing the* unhappy lot of one cast on an unknown land, 

At least, to him unknown, and therefore worse, 

For when he views the friendly natives salute 

Each other, with their heartfelt cheers, 

And finds himself alone, unnoticed, 

These are the thoughts, that dart across his brain ; 

Unhappy me, alone in a well peopled world ; 

No friend have I to ope the door ; 

No friend to shake the hand ; 

And with seeming earnestness, ask of my welfare, 

Ask of my friends and family ; 

And then with cordial words, and ardent wishes, 

For my future happiness, bids me adieu ; 

And though, perhaps, he means nought ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 139 

Yet to a soul of sensibility, 

It sinks into the heart, 

And sooths, in some degree, the cup of woe ; 

Of which each mortal man, 

Must drink his portion ; 

Some drink theirs early ; early in opening life 

Their blossoms wither, and their prospects fade, 

How oft in spring we see the tender bud, 

And think, perhaps, that we shall taste the fruit ; 

But how deceived when summer comes, 

To find the baneful blast, 

Or worm, has destroyed or eaten 

What we so surely thought to call our own ; 

Such is the fate of mortals, eagerly grasping, 

Struggling still with hope ; 

Another summer, we shall then succeed ; 

Then shall we possess, what now alas we loose. 

Fidget. 
They feelings shew of warm and early days, 
But I am always a bad hand at praise ; - 
Still do I feel strong interest in her fate, 
Beg of her story more you will relate. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Yes, let me think, where did I leave off, 
Her mother dead, Macdonald too, far off; 
Her last sad letter, he thought too severe, > 

Only by chance did she of him now hear, > 

This was her state, I think about two year ; J 

When her kind father, whom she dearly lov'd, 
By sudden snatch of fate was quick remov'd, 
t2 



140 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOK, 



To that dark place where every one is borne, 

And o'er his ashes sadly did she mourn ; 

While all he left, was scarce enough to pay, 

The solemn obsequies of that sad day ; 

Few months before, you know, the deed was done, 

And I the wife of Bounty had become ; 

We at his father's house sweet life did lead, 

When I by letter this dire news did read ; 

Even then, not the least idea had I, 

That she could ever come to poverty ; 

Thought she was rich, surrounded too, by friends, 

So merely consolatory letter sends ; 

In four months' time, unto my great surprise, 

A letter came, that struck my wondering eyes — 

That told me Mary, once the rich and gay, 

In abject poverty did pine away ; 

That she supported by her honest pride, 

Did try from all this fatal truth to hide ; 

I, instant flew, urg'd on by friendship's tie, 

On a mean bed, she sick and ill did lie ; 

She squeezed my hand, say what doth bring you here, 

Is it my last sad sigh of life to hear ? 

Nonsense, said I, with me you must away, 

For change of air will cure you, I dare say ; 

Things soon were settled, the distance it was great, 

And weak and lanquid was her tottering state ; 

But in my humble house the greatest care, 

And kind attention did await her there, 

Join'd to my husband's skill, and fine salubrious air ; 

She did recover — and Macdonald too, 

3oon as he heard her fate impatient flew, 



J 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 141 

His regiment, as J just before did say, 

Was to the Indies ordered away, 

But love, perhaps, together with change of clime, *\ 

His health did droop, in sickness did decline, > 

And he had leave to come home at this time ; ) 

To me he wrote, told me that he was near, 

Delighted I the gladsome news did hear ; 

But oh, how chang'd — could scarce believe my eyes, 

My heart's not changed you may believe, he cries, 

But as for Mary much I fear that she, 

With different eyes Macdonald now will see, 

Her heart I fear is long estrang'd from me ; 

Cruel my fate — let me but once be near, 

The being that ever was and is most dear, 

Oh, haste, 1 say, and tell her lam here. 

This must not be, it will be cause of blame, 

Macdonald now she does so seldom name ; 

But I to night a party do expect, 

And 1*11 receive you as a stranger guest ; 

A patch upon your cheek do wear, 

Mustachio's too— -disguise yourself with care ; 

To this agreed, the hour appointed came, 

And I received him in another name ; 

Retir'd in a corner silently he sat, 

While Mary with many were engaged in chat ; 

When some their pleasant little song had sung, 

Many beg'd Miss More to favor them with one, 

She first declin'd, but by persuasion they 

Soon to the instrument led her away ; 

She lovely look'd, so delicate and fair, 

And sung this little tender plaintive air, 

" Say not that woman's false as fair ; 



142 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Like butterfly she ranges, 

When once her love is fixed, oh, no, 

It never, never, changes.'* 

While in her expressive face, 

Her heart's strong feelings you might trace ; 

Macdonald rose — then like a statute stood, 

His quivering lips proclaim'd that he was mov'd ; 

He left the house, before I went to bed, 

This hasty note from him received :— 

" See her I must, I beg you pave the way, 

My tortur'd heart no longer can it stay." 

To her room I hasted, pleasure in my eyes, 

What brings you here 1 said she, in much surprise ; 

Good news to tell, a friend that was most dear, 

Is in this town, and to you very near ; 

Mind what you say, be careful what you do, 

No friend have I in this wide world but you ; 

But oh, thou art the first of human kind, 

In tender pity and a feeling mind ; 

■»Tis thou that drops balm in my wounded heart, 

That sinks with sickness and with sorrow's smart ; 

Thy benevolent good humour cheers me so, 

Like a strong cordial to dispel my woe, 

I never can repay you, no, oh, no. 

Oh name it not, a friend indeed is near, 

Who seeks your welfare to whom you are most dear; 

1 speak but truth, a friend is just return'd, 

One who with fond affection still does burn. 

My dearest friend, don't on my feelings play, 

The only heart I priz'd I turnM away ; 

Such was the stern command that duty bade, 

And he, alas ! too faithfully obey'd ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 143 

^Tis now four years since he did sail away, ' 

You know what follow'd since that luckless day, K 
Keen bitter grief, despair, dismay. j 

Here tears of sorrow eas'd her labouring heart, 
All 1 explain'd before that we did part ; 
The morrow came — the meeting you must guess 
No language have I such feelings to express ; 
In few short weeks did she become his bride, 
Much love, but little wealth did them betide ; 
But by strict management and frugal care, 
They made it do, but humble was their fare ; 
Appearance kept up when none did see, -, 

Studied the greatest frugality, s. 

Salt butter eat, course sugar had in tea , ) 

Believe to me this caus'd the greatest pain — 
Fortune, I cry'd, how fickle and how vain, 
This being once a carriage did command, 
To domestic drudgery now turns her hand ; 
No splendid plenty now does she e'er see, 
All frugal, neat, and plain economy ; 
.Long us'd to every thing genteel, 
Much privation they did feel. 
You are aware, Sir, know as well as T, 
The man that's us'd to daily industry, 
Looks forward to the same to-morrow, 
Without much care or little sorrow ; 
Feels that poverty is nought to him, 
But the man of endowments it does sting ; 
One bless'd with sense and education, 
With bare subsistence to depend on, 
ForcM from his proper sphere, 
Misery with poverty is here ; 



144 THE 11ICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Wok he can't— to beg he is asham'd, 

He struggles with evil, and he strives in vain, 

He sinks in langour, apathy and pain ; 

You call him weak, but pity must ever grieve, 

That such a man no portion, can receive ; 

Full well 1 know, and often do we find, 

If happiness is seated in the mind, 

It does each wish and idle want supply, 

Repels each hope for useless luxury ; 

For most destructive to our peace of mind, 

If to artificial wants we are inclin'd ; 

So much, 'tis true, does on ourselves depend, 

And this experiene'd my two dear friend, 

Comfort and peace on them did now attend ; 

For cheerful happiness content was there, 
Much love and joy did each their bosom share ; 

True Mary was become more grave than gay, *\ 

Her once fine spirits slow had sunk away, > 

But tranquil pleasure now did find its way ; 3 

Close, quiet, and reserved too was she, 

No longer open, generous, and free; 

We to the world reserve and caution owe, 

For great our faults when magnified by woe ; 

The galls and sweets of life she now had known, 

And flattery's luxurious notes were gone ; 

The heait that once dane'd to the song of hope, 

With bitter feelings now had learn'd to cope ; 

For the cold looks of those in other days, 

Who did caress, and oft would sound her praise ; 

Chill'd the warm feelings of her honest breast, 

And she felt more than she did e'er express ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 145 

Her swelling heart with differing feelings torn, 
Was rous'd by pride, and return'd scorn for scorn ; 
Some friends she knew in famous London town, 
"Who on a visit lately were come down ; 
Their youthful days together much they spent, 
Until they married and to London went ; 
Now down they came, the gayest of the gay, 
And in smart carriage they did dash away. 
Such are the changes that in life we see, 
All parties at a friend's did go to tea ; 
Mary was pleased to see them once again, 
Little she thought in them could be such change : 
But cold and distant now they view'd her o'er, 
Look'd at her dress — then talk'd of their own store ; 
Touch'd to the heart by conduct so unkind, y 

(Though she despised their little narrow mind, > 

Still to relieve her heart some tears did find ;) 3 

Macdonald was vex'd — never more, said he, 
Shall you by any thus insulted be ; 
Look at them, Mary, as they really are, 
Beneath your notice and beneath your care » 
As gaudy butterflies of a day, 
Heed them not but wipe your tears away; 
She (Jid obey — but her strong feeling heart, 
With early fondness could not easy part ; 
Hope disappointed — confidence betray"d— 
Kindness forgotten — such we must upbraid ; 
And every one can feel the cruel sting, 
Of purse proud insolence and whim ; 
You who once did the warm bosom chill, 
When with affection glowing it did fill* 
U 



146 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

And with indifference cooled friendship's fire, 
By cold neglect, and disdain did inspire ; 
Thou cruelly has cast away a gem, 
No gold on earth can ever buy again. 
Now for thy folly do thy bosom smite, 
For after years such conduct may requite ; 
By usage such as this she learn'd to find, 
That some were fickle, weak, and most unkind ; 
That riches was and is the sovereign balm, 
To give us friends and ever screen from harm ; 
Rous'd the strong energies that in her lie, 
She view'd things now with philosophic eye ; 
Happy herself and in MacdonakTs love, 
No other pleasure did she wish to prove ; 
And to increase the blessings of her life, 
Mother was added to the name of wife ; 
A little son — and scarce another year, 
A little daughter likewise did appear, 
Increas'd their love but added to their care ; 
This darling, in respect, my name did bear ; 
No border' d robes, or caps of finest lace, 
BedeckM their bodies and o'er spread their face ; 
Each thing with her own hands the mother made, 
Her ingenuity she well display'd, 
And without finery and idle show, 
Her little treasures lustily did grow ; 
Mother nurs'd they were — and all can tell 
This tender task the mother must do well ; 
Macdonald too, when he from duty free, 
He did assist — for tho' a soldier, he 
Parential feelings had ; and thought no shame 
To love his children with a father's claim ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 147 

DofTd off his coat and put his jacket on, 
This cherub nurs'd, and then the other one ; 
With one on each arm 'bout room would walk, 
Now chirp'd to this, to the other would he talk ; 
Well this is famous don't you think, he'd cry, 
To hear a soldier singing lullably ; 
But there Mrs. Bounty it is very clear, 
What we must come too never does appear ; 
And I have heard a King of mighty fame, 
Who lov'd his children, and would do the same. 
The girl was ill, they thought she would die, 
How all the father trembled in his eye ; 
I ne'er shall forget the fond and anxious part, 
That plainly prov'd his tenderness of heart ; 
She did recover— and their joy was great ; 
And now kind Heaven help'd to mend their fate ; 
Macdonald's father full of honour died, 
His little property they did divide ; 
Here too he felt just what a son should feel, 
And long it was before the wound did heal ; 
Their comforts much increas'd by this store, 
Sobless'd they seem'd, nor gave a wish for more ; 
If one hand good the other evils give, 
Such is the fate of mortals that do live. 
A sudden order now they did receive, 
Macdonald's regiment must the kingdom leave ; 
For war's shrill trump* did sound, and they 
Must to the Continent be sent away ; 
What follow'd next a matrimonial strife, 
'Twixt a fond husband and a doating wife; 
u2 



148 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

With you Macdonald, Mary said, 1*11 go ; 
No, no, said he, it never can be so ; 
I for myself could manage without fear, 
But for you, Mary, who are justly dear, 
Should coward be, was danger to you near ; 
No stay at home — take of my children care, 
For war's rough measures women cannot bear ; 
They shall go too, Mary eager cried ; 
With me, said T, they certain can abide, 
You may depend upon my care I say, 
Then stop with me and with my William play. 
Hear her, she cried, to her do you attend, 
My dearest, kindest, best belov'd friend ; 
For well she knows that my strong feeling heart, 
Can neyer more, dear Frederick, from you part; 
Think not, Macdonald, think not in me to see, 
A timid, nervous, and a trembling she ; 
You will I follow— close by you abide— 
If I can help it never quit your side ; 
What are the horrors of a raging sea, 
ComparM, Macdonald, to the loss of thee; 
When friends forsook me and were most unkind, 
Still you were steady, generous, and kind ; 
Do let me go, my gratitude to prove, 
And by my conduct show how much I love; 
The wife will venture, and the wife defy 
What timid trembling woman pale would fly 
No more she said — but threw her arms around, 
And by strong feelings closely they were bound ; 
Angel, not woman, yes you must prevail, 
But I fear I tire you with my tale. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 149 

Pho, pho, said Fidget, keep on, keop on, I say, 
What do you stop for, just in the mid way. 



Mrs. Bounty smiling, did her theme regain, 
What followed next, was trouble, care and pain ; 
For orders came that would brook no delay, 
With greatest speed they soon did march away, 
Onboard of ship, she sick and ill did lay ; 
But you can fancy better than I can describe, 
An army crossing o'er the briny tide ; 
When landed, sinking with fatigue and pain 
She never once did utter a complain ; 
By her example, time she did beguile, 
And cheer'd the heart along the weary mile, 
By whispering hope, in pleasant chat and smile. 
Unworthy I, a soldier's wife to be, 
Did I give in at the first blow, said she ; 
This with delight Macdonald dwells upon, 
And says, he gloried in his heroine 
For steady cheerfulness we all do know, 
Follows exertion to dispel our woe — 
But when the day of battle it drew on, 
And hope with fear possessed every one ; 
When the loud cannon prov'd the fight began, 
Her heart's warm blood then cold and chilly ran ; 
Thought of her children, trembled for his life, 
With the fond agony of a doating wife ; 
Scarce did she breath, as I have heard her say, 
Upon that. awful and eventful day ; 
But on her knees, in tearful prayer she spent, 
Hoping, trembling, doubting the event ; 



150 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For prudence, you know, will ever doubt and fear, 

The battle not always to the strong, we hear ; 

Arous'd at length by the gladsome cry, 

We conquer, conquer, it is victory, 

But no Macdonald met her anxious eye ; 

In frantic haste, she then did rush along, 

Nor heard the pity of the gathering throng ; 

Nought could arrest, nought stop her eager pace, 

But to the field of battle quick did haste ; 

Transfix*d she stopp'd, for on his sash was borne, 

Macdonald's body, but it still was warm; 

My God ! she cried, in greatest agony, 

While on his face she fix'd her glazed eye ; 

IVIa'am, he's not dead, and we do hope to save, 

If we assistance timely can but have ; 

This was enough, her active soul took fire, 

And summon'd the succour that he did require ; 

Severely wounded, faintingly he bled, 

On the ensanguined plain was left for dead ; 

But to his men he ever was most dear, 

And fortunate for him, two then drew near ; 

Alas! poor fellow, hanging o'er him said, 

I think, said one, that he is not yet dead, 

And I will save his life too, if I can, 

He's a good soldier, and a worthy man '. 

He was thus preserved as I did declare, 

'• For constant hearts are heaven's peculiar care :*' 

But long and doubtful was the ebbing strife, 

'Twixt cruel death and his returning life, 

Distracting to a tender, faithful wife. 

But to her nursing, and her constant care, 

Joined to her never ceasing, fervent prayer, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 151 

He was restored and hailed again the day, 

Though long in convalescent state he lay, 

She rightly judged, if he again could breathe 

His native air, he'd benefit receive ; 

Unknown to him, and on this plan intent, 

To the command' -in-chief she quickly went ; 

There in nature's simple, honest tone, 

She humbly made her little story known, 

Begg'd he might visit once again his home. 

Nor did she sue to an unfeeling mind, 

The brave are ever generous we find ; 

And in a Briton's heart doth ever lie, 

Courage coupled with humanity ; 

He promis'd, made it too, his early care, 

And they for sailing quickly did prepare ; 

Arrived safe, to us they speed their way, 

And I never shall forget that day ; 

Her darling children in her arms she took, 

Covered with kisses and devoured with look ; 

Then with warm thanks, expressed to me her joy, 

Again enraptured, hugg'd her girl and boy ; 

Macdonald, manly, grateful joy expressed, 

Till his pale cheek proclaim'd the want of rest ; 

The morning came, the flush of rapture o"er, 

We then perceiv'd what we might think before, 

That she by care and grief reduced low, 

Which was the worst, my husband scarce did know, 

But cheering hopes, joined to care and skill, 

They soon recovered, such was heaven's will ; 

This trouble past, fortune's wheel you know, 

Is ever turning, must be high or low ; 



152 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

And as 'tis right, each in their turn do rise, 

Promotion came, and with it glad surprise, 

From the same noble hand, who late before, 

Relieved their woe and thus inereas'd their store ; 

Nor was it given undeservedly, 

For merit great, did in Macdonald lie, 

Which soon was prov'd against the enemy. 

His colonel fell, while he in next command, 

Gallantly led on his little band: 

But of this now, no more need I say, 

You read it in the papers of the day. 

Now London's their home, near Macd on aid's friend^ 

Comfort and honor do their steps attend ; 

In cheerful affluence they live in peace, 

And though their children quickly did increase, 

They haiPd them as the greatest blessing given, 

By a wise Providence and indulgent heaven ; 

Nor finer children did I ever see, 

Nor yet a better regulated family ; 

Each have their task, each an appointed share, 

Accomplish^ industry I'm sure is there, 

The eldest daughter married well, youVe heard, 

The second is handsome, and by some preferr'd > 

Soon loo, I do expect that she will stay, 

And pass with me some pleasant weeks away ; 

For long it is since I've the children seen, 

So great the distance that there is between ; 

The parents too, 'tis now three years ago, 

They came to me, to help me bear my woe, 

In the sad loss that I did undergo. 

And here she paus'd : by recollections dire, 

The poker then she took, and stirred the fire ? 



} 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 153 

While Fidget 'bout the room began to walk, 

He hemm'd, he stammered, and he tried to talk ; 

Although unused to the melting mood, 

Still, he for certain, felt that he was moved ; 

For Mrs. Bounty had a certain way, ■> 

'Twas not, perhaps, so much what she did say, > 

Such feeling in her words she did convey ; J 

Her action too, would give it a keen edge, 

And make impressive whatsoe'er she said ; 

With pathos strong, she would her story tell, 

And what she said she likewise could feel well ; 

But I have heard, tho' I scarce know why, 

'Tis easier to make folks laugh than cry ; 

She could do both, such power she did possess, 

For keen were the feeling of her own kind breast 

And if we feel not, we cannot express. 

The pause was long, but lucky, at that time, 

The servant came, and handed cake and wine ; 

This servant, too, allow me now to name, 

Had all the worth a servant ought to claim ; 

For steady, neat, industrious was she, 

And managed well, with great frugality ; 

Her mistress's interest was dear as her own/ 

And Molly, in every thing, was quite at home — 

Much strong affection in each action shone ; 

For kindness, kindness will beget, they say, 

She eighteen years did with her mistress stay, 

And said, she hoped never to go away. 

Fidget began to think 'twas time to go, 

His coat was ordered, and he summoned Joe; 



} 



]54 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Now the parting word farewell was o'er, 

And he quiet, plodded to his door ; 

Through his quick mind he various things did scan, 

Aud thought how different is the fate of man ; 

How some, said he, do buffet wind and tide, 

While I scarce ever leave my own fire-side ; 

The sailors 1 toil — the soldiers' bustling life, 

Busy mechanic and the tradesman's life ; 

I, by their means, do quiet life enjoy, 

No swords I fear, no billows do annoy, 

'Tis their exertions bring me peace and joy. 

This Mrs. Bounty, what a steady friend, 

May every happiness her steps attend ; 

He hemm'd and ha'd, and much did think upon, 

Thought this and that, and so did pro and con ; 

Still he finished with this harangue, 

Heaven, I see, in its own wise plan, 

Has given equal happiness to man. 

My hero still, I must pursue, 

And bid my heroine adieu, 

But soon shall bring her back to view; 

For she's so warm and tender hearted, 

That from her long 1 can't be parted ; 

For oh, what pleasure 'tis to be, 

With those who are always kind to thee — 

With those who feel an interest strong, 

In all your little rights and wrong ; 

Now Iidget did turn in his mind, 

Some little plan, a way to find, 

How he could best disclose his mind ; 



} 



} 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 155 

Mrs. Bounty so good, did now appear, 
So clever, affable and sincere, 
He felt she would become most dear ; 
And he did witness and partake, 
The little scenes that I relate ', 
Heard he much praised and admir'd, 
Courage was all he now requir"d, 
To bring his anxious plan to bear, 
And beg his fortune she would share ; 
Sometimes he thought, he'd trust a friend, 
Others, a letter he would send ; 
But how this letter to indite, 
What should he say, what could he write ; 
Letters on business many a one, 
With ease, he"d write a sheet upon ; 
But his thoughts never had been bent, 
To express love or sentiment ; 
He wrote and wrote and wrote again, 
And really puzzled his poor brain, 
Best way his feelings to explain ; 
When after much thinking, toil and care, 
The following letter brought to bear; 
Which after reading through and through, 
He pettish said, well, that shall do ; 
Not that I altogether like it, 
Strange, that I better can't indite it ; 
How oft when striving to excel, 
We cannot do a thing so well ; 
Some nervous feeling will intrude, 
And mar our strong solicitude, 
Make that bad, that which we wish'd good ; 
v2 



156 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

But wise Seneca does say, 
Do what you will in common way ; 
Think that some one does behold , 
To do your best you'll then be bold ; 
But philosophic rules we find, 
Can't govern a quick, feeling mind ; 
Some sparks of nature will get out, 
And put all wise resolves to rout ; 
But business now I must pursue, 
And bring the letter to your view :— 
" Madam, 

" I scarce know how to write, 
The letter I would fain indite : 
Know not in words how to express, 
The wishes labouring in my breast — 
At fifty-five, to say I love 
With all the fondness of the dove, 
Would be out of nature and of sense, 
And to you would give offence ; 
I know, perhaps, I ought to woo, 
And do as other lovers do ; 
But as I ne'er in younger days, 
Could ever stoop to fawn or praise, 
I certain shall not now begin, 
And 'gainst my conscience do a sin ; 
Besides, I know you would despise, 
The paltry wretch that could tell lies ; 
Nor could I ever see the end, 
Or wayward policy defend, 
That goes round and round to gain an end ; 
The plain strait path I will pursue, 
And truth and honor keep in view ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 157 

Which through life all may depend, 
Is the best way to gain an end ; 
Then, Madam, I in plain words state, 
And all my thoughts communicate ; 
Will you throughout my life, 
Make me a kind and cheerful wife ; 
When you abound in ample wealth, 
Will you be saving of my pelf — 
Will you to all my wants attend, 
And be to me a constant friend, 
And kindly treat till life doth end ; 
Nor 'thwart me in those little ways, 
Which I've been used to all my days ; 
And Betty, if it is her will, 
Much live with us and be cook still. 
Some little items more, may strike me, 
In the next letter that I write ye ; 
For in all bargains that are made, 
I like every thing to be display'd ; 
I like a thorough understanding, 
It leaves no room for underhanding— 
The business that now I have in view, 
Is to know if lean marry you ; 
An answer soon I hope to gain, 
And I ever shall remain, 
Your most obliged and humble servant, 
Respects as due, and all subservient." 

" P.S. — Another thing I will write, 
IT1 keep you a carriage, if you like ; 
For of pelf I have great store, 
And every day brings me in more— 



1-58 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Part of which to you I'll give, 
That you may use, while you do live ; 
My opinion of you may be known, 
By the conduct I have shown ; 
Did I not think you wise and good, 
JVIake you my wife I never wou'd." 

The deed was done, the letter sent, 
Many anxious feelings with it went — 
But strange, tho 1 true, I must declare, 
What feelings did his bosom share; 
For tho' he had resolv'd to marry, 
And hop'd his plan would not miscarry ; 
Some ifs and buts did still appear, 
All things yet, were not quite clear ; 
Perhaps the son, now steady, mild, 
Might some how other turn out wild ; 
Or she, with ample riches blest, 
Her wish for pleasing might be less ; 
For a nice calculator he, 
How things were or how would be ; 
In every thing he had to do, 
Double chances kept in view. 
Alas! poor man, how weak, how vain, 
It ne'er did enter in his brain — 
When she had the power to choose, 
That such an offer she'd refuse ; 
On his person he ne'er gave a thought, 
Money, he knew, was what all sought— 
Which every one would glad obtain, 
Wht;n they could without much pain. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 159 

Various the goods of life we view, 

And what I prize is nought to you ; 

Even the self same good possessing, 

Prove curse to some, to others blessing ; 

Then, oh, what folly 'tis to cry 

If 1 were them' so act would I ; 

Nor wonder if we find their's none, 

Like our plan better than their own. 

Reader, I know, I oft digress, 

When I, my thoughts do thus express ; 

And your kind pardon I must crave, 

For the trick of talking that I have ; 

But as I was saying just before, ■% 

Fidget was turning these thoughts o'er, > 

When Joe, he opened the door. J 

Joe. 
Sir, here is little Mrs. Tidy, 

Says, she call'd on you last Friday. 
Fidget. 

Well, goody Tidy, how do ye do, 

Your husband and your children too; 

8it you down — take a chair- — 

I'm glad to hear of your welfare. 
Mrs. Tidy. 

Humbly, I made bold to call, 

As 1 was coming by the Hall. 
Fidget. 

My health, I thank you, is so so, 

Pray how are you, how du times go. 
Mrs. Tidy. 

Sir, I thank you, pretty fair, 

My wants are few, 1 live but spare; 



160 THE fllCH OLD BACHELOR 

Last winter I had a bad heel, 

Which the cold weather makes me feel. 

Fidget. 
Is that the reason you think fair, 
That to church you never do repair, 
At least, I seldom see you there ; 
You constainly did once attend, 
And I such conduct much commend . 

Mrs. Tidy. 
No, Sir, the truth I'm bold to say, 
That's not the reason I don't pray— - 
For at our church the duty done, 
Is, as you know, Sir, only one; 
Sometimes at morn, at others eve, 
The reason, Sir, you may believe, 
That I altogether leave 
Such dodging about from morn to night, 
It does unsettle a body quite. 

Fidget. 
What is this, I pray, to you, 
You should still your duty do- 
Either at morn or evening prayer, 
Still I say you might be there ; 
Not any thing that you can say, 
Will prove you right to stay away, 
How can you hope that heaven will bless, 
If gratitude you don't express. 

Mrs. Tidy. 
It may make no odds to you, 
Who have nothing else lo do ; 
On Sunday, Sir, we all must eat, 
rri ~^ *v^r fn'ks get a piece of meat ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 161 

I think it, Sir, no harm nor crime, 
In comfort to sit down and dine ; 
My children too, I like to see, 
Wash'd, and dress'd, and all tidy ; 
No time in the week we poor folks have, 
My husband too, does dress and shave ; 
After dinner to church we would repair, 
But, Sir, there is no service there ; 
In-doors, my boys will not stay, -\ 

So out of doors they get and play, > 

Tho' I don't like it I must say ; 3 

But what, Sir, can a body do, 
No place we have where we can go ; 
I really think it a sad case, 
There bainH more parsons in the place : 
If every church, Sir, had but one, ^ 

Then the duty might be done, > 

As it was when I were young. J 

In the place, Sir, whence I came, 
You can recollect the name; 
Twice a day we always went, 
And soberly the day we spent ; 
Father and mother, children five, 
Every Sunday did contrive ; 
Good souls, ril be bound to say, 
They would never miss the day, 
To go to church to praise and pray. 
And they thought themselves to blame, 
If children did not do the same ; 
If any, Sir, did stay away, 
Our parson he would call and say— 
w 



162 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Was fearful that our health was bad, 

So good an opinion of us had, 

That our duty we would not neglect, 

Or treat our church with disrespect ; 

So kind and feeling, Sir, he spake, 

That our love for him was great ; 

And all the parish, Sir, did cry, 

When that worthy man did die ; 

To church I strictly did the same, 

When I married, Sir, and hither came— 

And persuaded my husband, Sir, to go, 

Tho* 1 not much us'd to it, I know ; 

And steady, Sir, we should have been, 

Had church been regular, I ween ; 

When we were willing, Sir, to go, 

There was no church, Sir, you well know ; 

Then oftentimes we took a walk, 

Or with our neighbours we did talk ; 

For all this, now I have cause to grieve, 

As you verily may believe ; 

For idleness is turned to vice, 

And I wish for your advice ; 

For on Sunday, Sir, he takes his pot, 

And from the alehouse can't be got ; 

And he will take my boys there too, 

In vain I tell him he will rue, 

Such conduct, says I, will never do; 

He jeers, and sajs, where can we go, 

The church it is shut up, you know, 

And to meeting I will never go ; 

For, Sir, I freely must declare, 

I do take my daughters there; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 163 

I will not let them gad about, 
Playing and romping, in and out ; 
Fve a sister piously inclin'd, 
Who the Meeting, Sir, has join'd, 
Because she twice a day can go, 
And a nice seat she has, I know ; 
Their parson doth no distinction make, 
But notice of all does kindly take ; 
And if sickness does attend, 
Among the sect she finds a friend ; 
She tells me I am much to blame, 
If I do not join the same ; 
Let every one enjoy their creed, 
But I think mine the best, indeed ; 
And all about it, I do say, 
Wish we had service twice a day; 
It would, I'm sure, prevent the cause, 
Of all that rabble, rout and noise, 
Made by idle, thoughtless boys ; 
Who 'bout the place so saucy run, 
And say it is good joke and fun : 
To church they are not oblig'd to go, 
For that's shut up, we all do know ; 
Going to church, I needs must say, 
Prevents many going a bad way, 
For people will idle, Sir, and play, 

Here Mrs. Tidy held her tongue, 
And Fidget inwardly said humph ! 
Nor at the moment could he state, 
Any argument of weight— 
w2 



1 



164 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

To prove her either right or wrong, 

Therefore opinion he gave none ; 

But merely said, withsmiling face, 

'Tis our duty, Tidy, in every place, 

To think and act and do the best, 

To heaven we must submit the rest ; 

But as I've known you many a day, 

I'll turn it o'er in my own way ; 

So get your boys a proper place, 

That their mother they may not disgrace— 

Your husband too, I will see, 

Perhaps he'd mind a word from me. 

Most humbly thank you, Sir, she said 
With grateful heart and bowing head, 
Then more happy, home she sped. 

Fidget was one of that good sort, 
Who never promise give in sport ; 
For if he never meant to do it, 
Boldly and bluntly would refuse it; 
Thought it better firmly no to say, 
Than to be pester'd every day ; 
But if he once did undertake, 
No repose or rest he'd take, 
'Till he some proper plan did find, 
To do whatever he had in mind ; 
Andthus made thing? doubly bless^ 
By his quickness and success ; 
For oh, how bitter 'tis to bear, 
Protracted hope, that brings despair; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 165 

And this expression too, was his. 

Dispatch, thesoulof business is ; 

For the boys, soon a plan he hit, 

And got them places he thought fit—' 

To the husband he sent word to say, 

Should wish to speak to him some day ; 

John Tidy did not like to go, 

But his wife said, it must be so ; 

Go tell him all our grateful joys, 

For his kindness to our boys, 

In the best way you can express, 

And I will see about your dress ; 

In gaberdine, so milky white, 

And all about him very tight — 

John slowly plodded to the door, *\ 

Where he had sometimes been before, > 

Very soon was he in the parlour- — J 

"Where Fidget very gravely sat, 

Soon they engaged in serious chat ; 

What is needful to be told, 

With your good leave I will unfold. 

Fidget. 
Very sorry, John, am I to say, 
You neglect at church to pray ; 
Such conduct, John, does give offence, 
To every worthy man of sense ; 
Such an irreverential plan, 
Shews disregard to God and man ; 
How often from a thoughtless state, -\ 

Doth man become a reprobate, > 

Hope such will never be your fate. 3 



166 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

John twirled his bat round and round, 
And his stick pressed on the ground ; 
And firmly on it lent his hand, 
As reclining he did stand, 
When to speak he thus began :— 

John Tidy. 
I don't object to church, I say, 
But that's shut up, Sir, half the day, 
As that's the case, Sir^ I can't see, 
Why that I should blamed be. 

Fidget. 
That's no ezcuse, John, I declare, 
The other half you might be there. 

John Tidy. 
Why, Sir, I'm bold, Sir, to believe, 
A thing, Sir, that I do conceive ; 
If church is really for our good, 
At least, so I have understood ; 
Why haven't we service twice a day, 
Then no one, Sir, need stay away ; 
On Sunday morn, Illketo shave, 
And many little jobs I have— 
Which I perhaps might hurry through, 
Had I any thing else to do 
But I repeat what I did say 
On every other Sabbath day, 
There is no church to praise and pray. 
And as things, Sir, are order'd so, 
Can't signify if I don't go ;' 
1 and my neighbours do contrive, 
To keep the afternoon alive ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 167 

All the week long I do work hard , 
Then take a pot for my reward. 

Fidget. 
All this, John, will never do, 
As 1 can very plainly shew ; 

For Mr. , our good clergyman, 

Wishing to do what good he can- 
Does duty a short distance off, 
In t'other parish, so don't scoff; 
Nor do I see the reason why, 
You can't be there, and family, 

John. 
No one there, wants me to see, 
And an interloper I should be ; 
No, Sir, I cannot go, not I, 
At a strange place, I feel so shy; 
A seat, perhaps, we should not find, 
And standing is not to my mind ; 
It is, I think, half mile or more, 
Before we get to that church door. 

Here John mov^d off, to get away, 
When Fidget to him thus did say. 

Fidget. 
Excuse you have no right to find, 
'Cause things are not to your mind ; 
What is wrong, mended must be, 
By those who have wiser heads than we; 
On Sunday you like to have good cheer, 
And say you like your pot of beer ; 
But at the ale-house that wont do, 
For there, I'm fearful you take two. 



168 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

John. 

That, Sir, perhaps may be the case, 
Others do the same, Sir, in my place. 

Fidget. 
What others do is nought to you, 
And a better example j^ou should shew ; 
What you so foolishly do spend, 
Your children want you may depend ; 
Your wife is like a busy bee, 
And works with their industry; 
She tries with all her little might, 
To make you all go neat and tight ; 
And hard it is if one doth spare, 
For the other to spend, I do declare ; 
Her clever conduct does appear, 
For I have known her many a year ; 
Proud of your children you may be, 
They're a fine healthy progeny ; 
And if what I've heard is true, 
Some praise is justly due to you : 
On work you never turn your back, 
Nor love for your children do you lack, 
And John, lam much pleas'd to see, 
You and your wife do well agree ; 
For their sakes John, if not your own, 
Be not to such bad habits prone ; 
Your morals good, soon worse may be, 
By mixing with bad company; 
As your wife doth share your toil, 
And help to make the kettle boil; 
At home, John, have 3 7 our pot of beer, 
Your company, her heart will cheer ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 169 

On Sunday when there's service done, 
Try John, if you cannot make one ; 
And every time that you are there, 
A pot of beer shall be your share ; 
The beer you like, tell me the name, 
And I will pay, John, for the same, 
Which punctual as tha day comes round, 
On your table shall be found. 

Here John's firm muscles of his face, 
Which wind and sun had serv'd to brace, 
Did now relax his rugged heart, 
Where good feelings had a part ; 
By kindness softened, strove to speak, 
While gratitude flush'd o'er his cheek. 

John. 
Most kindly oblig'd, Sir, am I, 
To do my best, Sir, I will try ; 
A better wife I know can't be, 
Than my wife, Sir, is to me ; 
My children too, as you do say, 
Can'tbe finer sure, than they: 
Humbly thank you, Sir, I will, 
For kindness to my Jack and Bill ; 
Then with a feeling, happy heart, 
John made his bow and did depart ; 
Scarce had he pass'd the threshold o'er, ^ 

When Mr. Trustem knock'd at the door ; C 

While Fidget's quick mind these thoughts turn o'er, ) 
Wonderous wisdom in that plan, 
Which doth regard both beast and man, 
x 



I 



170 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

For was not Sunday to co;ne round, 

It for certain would be found, 

That man and beast who burthen bear, 

Would be o'ercome with toil and care ; 

Sunday with gratitude they view, 

With vigour fresh, their work renew ; 

In moral duties too, we find, 

it gives fresh energy of mind ; 

And gratitude demands our prayer, 

That six days have been our share, 

The seventh, we are bound to spare. \ 

Joe. 
Sir, Mr. Trustem's call'd to day, 
And says, he has a word to say. 

Fidget. 
Ah ! worthy Trustem, is it you, 
I'm very glad indeed, to see you. 

Mr. Trustem. 
In health, 1 thank you, pretty well, 
But am much vex'd, as I can tell ; 
Am glad to find you are at home, 
For your advice, Sir, I am come. 

Fidget. 
Trustem, I think you a good man, 
And service I'll do you, if I can 
But I must tell you in a trice, 
I do not like to give advice ; 
It is a thing of little use, 
And seldom does much good produce; 
An adviser may mean very well, 
But another's feelings, who can tell, 



THE IUCH OLD BACHELOR. 

He cannot in a moment trace, 
All circumstances of the case : 
Nor will advice alter that mind, 
That is to its own way inelin'd ; 
And should [ not approve your plan, 
You'd call me a most stupid man ; 
And many there are in idle prate, 
Who love their story to relate ; 
You must excuse me, if I say, 
I've found out, 'tis another way — 
Money to ask and not advice, 
As I've experienced more than twice ; 
To you, these words are out of place, 
Now let me listen to your case ; 
You are, I know, a prudent man, 
And will do the best you can. 
Much surprised I am to see, 
That for advice you come to me. 

Here Trustem did relate his case, 
Put yourself reader, in his place, 
If you treachery have seen, 
Or in life have injur'd been — 
If favours you have kindly shown, 
And in return receiv'd none, 
Have been deceiv'd and dup'd by those, 
On whom your bosom did repose; 
And when you justly urg'd your case, 
Had taunting replies thrown in your face ; 
What Trustem felt, must be your fate, 
While he, his story did relate, 
x2 



1T1 



172 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget. 
Why, really Trustem, I must say, 
You have met with but foul play ; 
How could you, Trustem, be so blind, 
As no security to find ; 
In business it is always right, 
To have every thing in black and white. 

Mr. Trustem. 
Agreements, Sir, did pass between, 
Which any day, Sir, may be seen, 
And I, Sir, no idea had, 
That any man could act so bad — 
Thought sense and justice must be shown, 
And judg'd his heart, Sir, by my own; 
Not a grain of noble feeling he, 
As by his conduct you may see- 
He was a showy sort of man, 
I mistook him for a gentleman ; 
From him nojustice can I draw, 
And I must have recourse to law. 

Fidget. 
Agreements written or verbal, 
Truth and honor plainly tell, 
Are a very sacred tie, 
From them none should dare to fly, 
Nor would, if they lovM equity. 
Inlaw, perhaps, you'll run a rig, 
And lose your hat to get your wig ; 
A plan I will propose to you, 
Try arbitration, let that do. 

Trustem. 
Sir, that he will not listen to, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 173 

'Twas the first thing T did propose, 

But he at that turn'd up his nose ; 

No, Sir, he's a muleish kind of man, 

To serve himself is all his plan, 

And nothing can his feelings move, 

But a rough broomstick, stout and good; 

In other words, the only way, 

Is to let the law, Sir, have fair play. 

Fidget. 
Trustem, you are warm, I see, 

And almost brings a smile from me. 
Trustem. 

Easy it is I know to laugh, 

When misfortune we don't quaff; 

Had you, Sir, been served so, 

No one warmer I well know ; 

If the shoe pinch, we all can feel, 

Either in the toe or heel ; 

I know friendship is a slippery thing, 

And in worldlings does take wing , 

In you I did expect to find, 

Justice and a steady mind— 

I did think so good a man, 

Would follow quite another plan, 

And not insult me with a smile. 

But strive my feelings to beguile ; 

If this is all that you can do, 

I must bid you, Sir, adieu. 
Fidget. 

Trustem, stop ! one moment stay, 
Hear what I have got to say ; 



174 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

I see your feelings are high wrought, 
And you feel more than you oughi ; 
To speak the truth I will be bold, 
You're young and hasty, must be told, 
While I, you know, am growing old. 
'Tis true, I'm often vex'd about, 
Many things do put me out ; 
But really, I feel for your affair, 
And my opinion will declare ; 
In the days throughout my life, 
I have contention seen and strife ; 
Sometimes have seen the unjust man, 
Prosper in his wicked plan ; 
While innocence with drooping head, 
Was friendless and unpitied, 
Mark me, "'twas only for a time, 
With double lustre she did shine ; 
While the base and sordid heart, 
In pleasure ne'er could take a part— 
His character and fame soon spread, 
'Twas he then own'd the drooping head, 
And quick his unjust gains did fly, 
Like sparkling meteors in the sky : 
While long the well earn'd penny went, 
Brought with it comfort and content ; 
Then wait, I say, "till justice brings 
Retribution on her wings — 
For tho' tardy in her pace, 
Depend the right she will replace. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 175 

TRUSTEM. 
Your good remarks I freely own, -\ 

Mean, paltry conduct he has shown, £ 

Prove sense of justice he has none ? J 

Insult I'm sure, I never give, 
Nor will I take it while I live. 

Fidget. 
Every man of justice or of sense, 
For injury done will recompence ; 
But if no sense of justice feeling, 
He strive with underhanded dealing, 
Advantage base to take of them, ^ 

And the simplicity condemn, £ 

Of those who have kindly trusted him— J 

When such mete to him is given, 

For justice such there is in heaven ; 

He cannot sorrow or complain, 

For what he gave, he has again ; 

The man who into sin is led, 

Does never go unpunished ; 

And roguery I've heard say, 

By turning round some odd way, 

Often fattens honesty. 

A little longer then endure, 

Justice tho* 1 slow, is always sure, 

When you are older, you'll confess, 

That the elder ones know best ; 

As my advice you deign'd to ask, 

Adopt it, tho' it prove a task. 
Trust em. 

Your kindness, Sir, I take at heart, 

And will try and act the part 



176 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

You advise, for well i know, 
Wisdom from your tongue doth flow ; 
But bitter it is, wrong to endure, 
And not strive to find a cure. 

More converse did between them flow, 
Then Trustem, more cheerful home did go; 
While Fidget in his musing mood, 
Turn'd in his mind the bad and good ; 
The ups and downs, the rise and fall, 
That doth happen unto ail- 
But started when he looked around, 
And saw how roguery did abound ; 
Saw people cheat their nearest kin, 
That in riot they might swim— 
Saw that for outside shew and dress, 
Each better feeling they'd repress, 
Saw how grasping they would be, 
To spend in selfish luxury, 
And never think of charity; 
And when families do meet, 
With no real kindness do they great, 
But strive to give the finest treat ; 
No longer the social, cheerful friend, 
Shew and state must now attend — 
And hospitality does disappear, 
Lost in vain, expensive cheer, 
While selfishness is in the rear. 
Give and tike, a maxim just, 
Which through life, said he, all must; 
But there are some as I do live, 
Who are all take and no give — 



} 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 177 

Some selfish and unfeeling elves, 

Who care for no one but themselves, 

And in return no love they draw, 

Others don't care for them a straw ; 

If kindness and friendship you do crave, 

Kindness and friendship you must have; 

For love, said he, by love is got, 

And this I hope will be my lot — 

This Mrs. Bounty brought to view, 

And his heart he did review ; 

I feel, said he, since I've her known, 

Better feelings are my own, 

Likewise I do begin to find, 

'Tis kindness softens every mind ; 

My conduct pleasure gives to me, 

Respecting Trustem and Tidy ; 

I know I mean well at the heart, 

But in speaking I am tart— 

My voice, I know, is gruff and dry, 

And J am quick in my reply ; 

Mrs. Bounty's voice so soft and clear, 

Can't fail to catch the listening ear, 

And pleasure I think she will find, 

In my softer turn of mind ; 

But love I need not now be told, 

Makes cowards brave, the bashful bold ; 

And unperceiv'd, perhaps unknown, 

Make others' sentiments our own. 

Ah ! little Cupid, sly urchin, 
Don't think my Bachelor to win ; 
y 



178 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

A man of sense I can't have spoiled, 
By such a little, wayward child, 
But you may please him for awhile. 

And Til to Mrs. Bounty go, 

Who is talking to a friend, I know, 

A friend, who though but lately known, 

Possess'd a heart much like her own, 

For kindred spirits soon do find, 

Their own congenial mind : 

This friend was generous, kind and free, 

Much given to hospitality ; 

So kind and attentive to each guest, 

Would take herself no peace or rest, 

'Till she could get for them the best ; 

And neither sparM cost or pain, 

If satisfaction she could gain; 

Meek, unaffected in her mind, 

Gentle of heart, yet firmly kind ; 

Timid, retiring, I must tell, 

Though in every virtue did excel, 

This all do say who know her well ; 

With all the mild attributes of the dove, 

She might in truth be named love ; 

Her name and nature were the same, 

And Mrs. Kindly was her name ; 

A lady I spoke of once before, 

But now shall say a little more ; 

She was so amiable and polite, 

Mrs. Bounty in her did much delight : 

Though different in character they were* 

Equal in goodness I declare : 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 179 

Mrs. Bounty a strong mind did possess, 

Mrs. Kindly as a recompence, 

Possess'd that kind and placid heart, 

Where no vile feelings had a part : 

One enjoyed mirth and glee, 

The other a nervous, trembling she : 

The one a smile would scarce bestow,, 

The other with laughter would o'erflow, 

At some wise and droll conceit, 

When her fancy it did hit j 

Vulgar it is, I know, she'd say, 

To let my feelings have fair play ; 

And then laughing she'd rejoin, ^ 

I should have liv'd in that king's time, > 

When broad mirth was thought no crime ; J 

Her feelings a change would undergo, 

When listening to a tale of woe ; 

Then grief into her heart would creep, 

And with the wretched she would weep. 

When on that day it happened so, 
Mrs. Kindly to Bounty's house did go; 
The ladies engaged in pleasant chat, 
Now talkM of this and then of that ; 
When Fidget's letter did appear, 
Mrs. Bounty said — What have we here? 
A letter for me, she briskly said, 
And soon the seal was opened : 
Do I read right can T see clear, 
Why His a love letter my dear ; 
y2 



180 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Thrown off her guard, she thoughtless said, 
Read it, the letter was display'd ; 
Reproach soon come, I know said she, 
Affairs like this, secret should be, 
I'm sorry, but the deed is done, 
So give me your opinion. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
Why, my dear, before I speak, 
I ought to think it o'er a week ; 
At the first glance I must declare, 
It is indeed a prospect fair, 
Good husband, money, house and land, 
A carriage too at your command ; 
By only tying up a noose, 
Such things no woman could refuse, 
I know the poor you like to serve, 
You'd then have plenty on my word ; 
To your son advantage it would be, 
And from business set him free— 
This letter plainly proves the man, 
Prudence in his every plan ; 
But still I think he's very good, 
And would be generous if he cou'd, 
Some nature's are to spend, some save, 
And every thing we cannot have ; 
And the most generous oft see fit, 
Likewise to have a farthing fit ; 
But there is one thing I could name, 
Perhaps you think I do make game, 
Fidget's such a frightful name ; 
And if quite rightly I can see, 
He^s ten years older too, than thee. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 181 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Your objections almost make me smile, 
But i am sorry all the while, 
That offer he should make to me, 
To which I never can agree ; 
With money what have I to do, 
Nature's wants they are but few— 
So well aware indeed, am I, 
Content will all my wants supply, 
While I have meat, drink and lodging, 
With coals for my fire and washing, 
Clothes that keep me tight and warm, 
Some for eve, others for morn ; 

All this I have and something more, -\ 

A Duchess she can have no more, > 

What then to me is useless store ; j 

Gewgaws I'm sure I never crave, 
If heart's ease and plenty I do have ; 
My bread and cheese I'd rather eat, 
Than sit down to another's treat ; 
For I should live in constant fear, 
That grateful 1 should not appear, 
For gratitude ought to betide, 
The man that takes an empty bride ; 
Such kindness and real love he's shown, 
That what was his, he's made her own, 
She must possess a heart of stone, 
If she does not feel it all her days, 
And study his comfort and his ways ; 
The quick feelings too, of my breast, 
Would give, I know, uneasiness, 
What others think or feel I see, 
A word, a look's enough f'orjne ; 



182 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

What advantage to my son, } 

To be with riches overdone, > 

While he hearty is, and young; J 

Employ I'm sure we all do find, 

Gives greatest comfort to the mind ; 

No, let him work and snake his way, 

Not throw the prime of life away. 

In racing, shooting, going about, > 

To dinner parties and to routes, > 

His constitution to wear out, 3 

In idle follies, silly fun, 

Then to different countries run, 

Not to improve his mind or sense, 

But to get rid of time and pence ; 

These lines I often do repeat, 

Which in Dr. Watts you'll meet : — 

Ci Satan finds some mischief still, 

" For idle hands to do;" 

This in old age how many rue, 

Who with empty head and thoughtless heart, 

Through life have acted a weak part ; 

Besides, my son could have no claim, 

If he, his affections did not gain ; 

And so capricious is old age, 

To trust to that could not be sage, 

For even the turning of a straw, 

Some little, accidental flaw, 

Discovered in a peevish mood, 

Would make that bad which once seem'd good; 

A carriage indeed, might truly bless, 

Those whom affliction do possess ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 183 

You may believe me when I say, -\ 

1 had much rather waik away, > 

And trip it lightly while I maj' ; J 

To brace my nerves with exercise, 

And circulate my blood beside ; 

That should age come and come it will, 

I may have health and vigour still ; 

That folks may say when past my heigh day, 

1 am still a fine old lady, 

Than ride about and take the air, 

When not a breath can creep in there, 

As man}'' do within this town, 

Glasses all up, or blinds all down, 

Many more objections to, 

! could enumerate to you ; 

For though I do him much esteem, 

Our lives so different have been, 

That common sense points out to me, 

'Tis impossible we should agree ; 

Our opinions naturally must vary, 

And would, I know, be quite contrary. 

Money, on which he sets great store, 

Tome, you know, is nothing more, 
f Than the channel through which comforts flow, 

Which serves to assist both high and low ; 

I know 'twou'd put me in a pet, 

Was he to stew, vapour or fret, 

For no real pleasure can be found, 

If cheerfulness does not abound ; 

And should he condescend to scold, 

To speak my mind I should be lold ; 



184 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For very well you know, my clear, 
No Mahometan faith is here ; 
And I believe he'd find it true, 
That I've a soul and spirit too ', 
This I say to make you smile, 
Though I am serious all the while ; 
For I've a reason strong- and sound, 
Which in my heart is to be found ; 
The love that I have for my son, 
Respect to the memory of one, 
Who in the days of early youih, 
Had my fond vows of love and truth. 
Ardent affection ! how can I forget, 
His firm, attentive kindness : never yet, 
Can wed another while I him regret. 
Now slow and silently did creep, 
The heartfelt tear adown her cheek ; 
$he paus'd — then said my jov is one, 
When the door was opened by her son ; 
But had 3'ou seen the filial start, 
The soft emotion of his heart ; 
Mother, he said, with anxious eye, 
Why do you weep ? why do you cry ? 
She looked and smiiing through a tear, 
1 was talking of your father — dear. 

Mrs, Kindly said, with moisten'd eye, 
I must bid you now good bye, 
Your own good sense I plainly see, 
Does not want advice from me. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 185 

Mrs. Bounty. 

My son to see you home shall go, 
For he'll take care of you I know. 

These friends so warm and tender hearted, 
Kindly shook hands and then they parted. 

A few day pass'd o'er Fidget's head, 
IIow many now, need not be said ; 
When he did take his usual round, 
Of going o'er his place and ground- 
He did not think it a disgrace, 
To put things in their proper place, 
And see if all were neat and tight, 
Every thing in order right ; 
Whatsoe'er he found awry, 
To put it right he soon did try ; 
Knock here a nail, put there a board, 
He would do both upon my word— 
For he in stable loft had got, 
A work-bench, tools, and what not ; 
And when the day was wet and dabby, 
There in clothes so old and shabby, 
He'd mend a table or a chair, 
And many little jobs did there ; 
All this you know was very sad, 
For a man, who such a fortune had ; 
When such a fortune he had made, 
Should have employed folks in trade ; 
Live and let live, should have thought, 
Not have grudg'd to spend a groat ; 
z 



I5(i THE RTCH OLD BACHELOR. 

Long hab : ts I beg le.ive to say, 

Cannot be altered in a day ; 

In the stable yard he now did peep, 

Where every thing was quite complete ; 

Well built four-stall stable there, 

But not a horse 1 do declare ; 

A roomy coach house too, he had, 

But no carriage — that wis bad ; 

Now he turnM o'er in his mind, 

How a carriage he should find ; 

Shall I, said he, build one or no, 

Suppose to London I do go, 

And there buy a second hand, 

As good as many in the land ; 

In the said morning I do mention, 

He did puzzle his invention, 

Was turning in his mind about, 

How his garden to lay out, 

Thought beds of flowers with grass between, 

Would diversify the scene ; 

Sure, I had better longer stay, 

Mrs. Bounty, her taste may then display; 

The garden — that shall be her care, 

And she shall do what she likes there; 

A charming green-house he had got, 

But within it not a pot ; 

The gardener some plants shall bring, 

And do it up both neat and trim ; 

Flowers, I know, she loves full well, 

The best I'll buy that others sell ; 

1 like to see a lady view, 

Curious plants of different hue, 

I like to hear her name them too; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 187 

With feelings of pleasure and delight, 

Admire the variegated sight ; 

It proves she has a taste refin'd, 

It innocently fills up time. 

Gooddy Andrews too, the glass shall clean, 

She's notable and quick I ween, 

Much work will she busde through, 

And well and neat will do it too. 

I hate those idle, praung folk, 

Who spend their time in play and joke ; 

When night comes, surprisM do find, 

They are every way behind, 

Then say the work it cant be done, 

And that to morrow they must come. 

Now this musing mood to check, 
Joe come to him with great respect. 

Joe. 
Sir, here's our worthy clergyman, 
Who wishes to see you, if he can. 

Fidget. 
Well, have him in, I'll quick be there, j 

Be sure you set for him a chair, > 

Then to the house he did repair ; J 

But not before he scraped his shoe, 
And on the mat he rubb d it too. 

Politely the worthy man did rise, 
Said he must apologize, 
For calling so early in the morn, 
But that on business he was bourn ; 
z2 



188 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Fidget his bun jours did repeat, 

And begg'd that he would keep his seat. 

Mr. . 

A subscription, Sir, is to be made — 

(Here Fidget turn'd away his head, 

The word subscription met his ear, 

A word he did not like to hear — 

For oft he thought, the money went, 

Quite different from the intent.) 

In speaking, on the other went— 

In a wise nation, Sir, like this, 

At the height of literature and bliss ; 

You must allow' tis a sad case, 

That any of the human race, 

Should want a little common learning, 

To give to them wisdom and discerning ; 

That as they through life do go, 

The right from wrong they well may know ; 

A charity school we do propose, 

Learning to give unto all those, 

Who by poverty and want of fare, 

Money for school cannot well spare. 

Fidget. 
I have not language to express, 
My wishes for the happiness, 
Of all the tribes and race of men, 
But mostly for my countrymen ; 
For does my heart unusual glow, 
'Tis for my country's weal or woe; 
What more he said you must excuse, 
If reader I do not disclose, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 189 

li right or wrong, time will prove it, 
I wisely add experiencia docet ; 

Mr. . 

Sir, you are a man of great discrimination, 
As any I know within the nation, 

Fidget. 
Sir, you are pleased to flatter me, 
'Tis with my eyes that I do see ; 
On passing things I am intent, 
And I judge by the event ; 
But Sir, I am no logician, 
And I hate all disquisition ; 
Argument I've always found, 
Makes each more firmly keep their ground, 
No one likes to be outdone, 
Or give up his opinion ; 
But when I hear a person say, 
As I for certain did one day, 
A friend of his was telling him, 
That the water did come in — 
That her neighbours it did o'erflow, 
And what to do she did not know — 
Never mind, said he, how neighbours fare, 
But of yourself do you take care; 
Another time this man to try, 
I told him a friend would step awry— 
He careless turn'd upon his heel, 
Said folly for others 'tis to feel, 
He's old enough as I can show, 
To take care of himself, I know— 






190 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

An opinion to form of him I must, 
Is that man generous or just — 
Such a selfish man Vd never trust : 
Not that I judge man by his tongue, 
For some so thoughtlessly will run, 
And the most good I always find, 
In those who careless speak their mind- 
Many in speech will make a bend, 
When every good in heart intend ; 
But actions, Sir, I always scan, 
They stubborn facts must prove the man : 
When a character I would spy, 
I always study, Sir, the eye— 
The eye indeed, is well definM 
To be the index of the mind ; 
I like the firm and steady eye, 
That observation doth defy, 
1 like the eye that boldly says, 
Truth I have practis'd all my days, 
And care not who frowns or praise; 
Depend no good does ever lie, 
In the shuffling, averted eye. 

Now Joe, in a letter brought, 

As he always had been taught, 

And on the table, he it laid, 

That the direction was displayed ; 

A female hand it did appear, 

'Twas small and neat, but very clear; 

Fidget most eager did it view, 

Where it came from, thought he knew ; 

A 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 191 

And as he now no more did say, ^ 

Mr. moved, and said, I must away ; 

Fidget no longer bade him stay. J 

Delighted when Joe shut the door, 
That he the contents might read o'er — 
Quickly his spectacles did place, 
And soon these lines he did retrace. 

Great honor I feel, Sir, does betide, 
By wishing me to be your bride ; 
So much respect is in the offer, 
That my kind thanks I do } r ou proffer, 
For your very good intention, 
But for things that I could mention, 
I beg most firmly to decline, 
Not wishing to change this state of mind, 
But believe me, Sir, till life doth end, 
I esteem you a most valued friend ; 
Nor is there one throughout the county, 
Respects you more than P. Bounty. 

Now I could set me down and pine, 

That Hogafth's pencil is not mine, 

That I my hero could pourtray 

While he this letter did survey; 

I wish indeed, but that wont do, 

I bring him now before your view; 

Wishes all know will not prevail, 

And Ml attempt it tho' I fail ; 

For I've been told, tho' by the bye, } 

We dont know what does in us lie, >, 

What we can do until we try. 5 



192 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 



Nor should we censure or condemn, 
Those who do the best, they can ; 
How oft do circumstance combine, 
To produce the fjnish'd mind — 
What great advantages have some, 
While others do go plodding on ; 
The experience of many is the same, 
'Tis hard to do, but easy tc blame ; 
How many discomfitures some find, 
How akes the head, how throbs the mind ; 
Some do feel, and some well know, 
Pleasure's in the debt of woe ; 
And some so easy quiet glide, 
While others brave both wind and tide ; 
But when they've nobly struggled through, 
Honor to them is doubly due. 

But now my hero I must name, 
Tremor all over shook his frame, 
When he the letter did read o'er , 
The blood that rash'd to cheek before, 
Back silent crept to heart again, 
And there caus'd such tormenting pain — • 
That 'bout the room he 'gan to walk 
And muttering to himself did talk. 
For disappointments who can bear, 
Tho* they must fall to each man's share ; 
But when they unexpected flow, 
Doubly then we feel the blow— 
And if we think, we don't much care, 
Like Fidget as I did declare, 
Yet better feelings are our share. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 193 

And the lost prize that we deplore, 
Appears of more vaiue than before. 

Refuse me that is very strange, 
Sure let me read it o'er again ; 
He stop'd or slackened his pace, 
And spectacles again did place ; 
The self same words stiil met his view, 
JSir, tho" obliged, can't marry you ; 
Well I have done the thing- that's right, 
If folks will stand in their own light, 
They must the consequences rue, 
For I my suit will not renew, 
What does the woman want 1 trow, 
Here's a nice house all things so so ; 
No other I'm sure of all her race, 
But would jump at such a place ; 
But there, it shall not break my rest, 
For I've no doubt all's for the best. 

Though thus he brav'd it I confess, 
Inwardly he was much vex'd ; 
To think a wife he could not gain, 
And that his plan he'd laid in vain. 

Now Joe came in and thus did say 
Here's another letter, Sir, to day, 
And for it, Sir, two pence to pay. 
Fidget the pence from pocket took, 
And at the letter he did lock ; 

A A 



J94 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

A card of address then met his eye, 

If you want so and so to buy, 

I have into business got 

And beg your favours and what not. 

The truth though sorry I must tell, 

My hero tho 4 * wise and sensible, 

This card did put him in a rage, 

And that for certain was not sage ; 

The best in error may be caught, 

The bad will do the thing they ought ; 

And provocation doth surprise, 

And prove what ever in us lies ; 

Contradiction oft we find, 

In the best and wisest mind ; 

And much upon it may be said, 

We are all of the same materials made ; 

Hatred, malice, and despair, 

Joy and hope each bosom share, 

And I believe it will be found, 

We are all mixed of the same compound ; 

Envy, folly, wit and pride, 

More or less do all betide, 

Justice, when virtue doth us guide. 

Tho' from my subject I do fly, 

I intrude it as apology 

For my hero, who's rage did now run high 

Fidget. 
A pretty thing indeed I say, 
To send a card to make me pay, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 195 

Because that he's set up in trade, 

Does he think of money I am made ; 

A blockhead without sense or wit, 

On such a silly plan to hit, 

If cards and things he must send out, 

Why not send his boy about ; 

Not run folks up in such away, ^ 

Making them have two pence to pay,' > 

People have no thought I say. 5 

Not a grain of prudence can he boast, 

To send his cards out by the post ; 

A silly extravagant foolish thing, 

Then he in haste the bell did ring, 

And quickly Joe did hasten in. 

Fidget. 
The next time that you go to town, 
Besure you take that letter down ; 
Desire the man, to send I say, 
The two-pence that he made me pay, 
Or I to his shop will never go, 
Not a penny spend with him I know. 

Joe. 
Yes, Sir, but Sir, there's at the door, 
Gentlemen, Sir, three or four, 
Who wish to speak a word or more. 

Gent. 
Boldly, Sir, we do intrude, 
Trusting you will be so good, 
To excuse the liberty we take, 
We do it, Sir, for charity's sake ; 

A A 2 



196 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

A sad case, the neighbour (own, 
You've hear'd is almost burned down, 
And we trust your generous heart, 
In others sufferings will take part. 

Fidget. 
Tis very true, Sir, a sad ease, 
And T am sorry for the place ; 
But my patience is worn out, 
He then related all about, 
'sold it o'er in his own way, 
And much about it he did say, 
The two-pence that he had to pay, 

Gent. 
It was Sir, a most silly thing, 
And from though tlessness must spring; 
And I much fear from what I see, 
That my appeal is lost on thee ; 
But, Sir, could I the scene portray, 
That I did witness on that day, 
Describe the tumult and dismay. 
Confusion and bustle soon were spread, 
Keen anguish, wild despair and dread ; 
While indiscriminate around, 
Scatter'd furniture, strew'd the ground ; 
Drawers and boxes lin'd the street, 
Saucepans, carpets, bits of meat, 
Pictures and chairs, together laid, 
With various implements of trade ; 
And at every wind and blast, 
Pale faceM horror stood aghast; 
While soft compassion trembling stood, 
With uplift hands and melting flood, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. ]97 

Which from her eyes did copious flow, 
While witnessing such scenes of woe. 

Fidget. 
Your generous purpose I approve, 
But eloquence my heart can't move ; 
No supplication I require, 
To aid distress, caused by lire ; 
What ere is right, I'll do I say, 
But I must do it my own way ; 
No railing threats, Sir, or entreaty, 
Would make me swerve, Sir, from my duty; 
If I think to give is right, 
That's to me sufficient quite ; 

And before that you come round, ^ 

I put by a hundred pound, > 

Which I intend, Sir, for the town. j 

And if yon will a moment stay, \ 

You may take it, Sir, and go away, > 

Two pence indeed to make me pay- 3 

Gent. 
The gratitude within my breast, 
1 have not language to express ; 
This is indeed a princely gift, 
Will give our cause a noble lift ; 
But pardon, Sir, if I do say, 
Why grieve that two pence you do pay ; 
You that can give so like a lord, 
Two pence I'm sure can well afford. 

Fidget. 
Why, Sir, the case is very plain, 
The wish to give would be all vain ; 



198 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

If money I did squander so, 

In idle pennies let it go ; 

'Tis but this, 'tis but that, 

Makes many people poor, Sir, as a rat ; 

You say I'm stingy, fond of pelf, 

But I do not spend it on myself, 

As many do, in outside show, 

But no real charity they know ; 

You look at my old thread bare coat, 

And say perhaps tain't worth a groat ; 

I think it, Sir, no crime or sin, 

To save a nail or bit of string ; 

And to make things smooth and fair, 

Sometimes will pinch and sometimes spare : 

The only shame that 1 e'er had, 

Was to do the thing that's bad ; 

Let me tell you, Sir, economy, 

Is the parent of integrity ; 

Gives sweet content the most refin'd, 

Justice and feeling does it join ; 

Profusion Sir is crafty cruel, 

Vexation, Discord, makes his gruel ; 

And extravagance does always burn, 

Or to bitter sorrow turn ; 

And to give a thing in season, 

Is better far than without reason ; 

Most prodigal my gold bestow, 

Without regard to want or woe ; 

I never spend or give away, 

That for which I cannot pay ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 199 

Some give because they think they must, -\ 

But before I'm generous, I'll be just, \. 

And ever shall be so I trust. ) 

What thoughtless conduct does it show, 

To borrow, to give awaj r I know ; 

Give that which is another's right, 

Such conduct justice must despite ; 

And scandalous it is to say, "\ 

To borrow without means to pay, > 

Tis worse than robbing the highway. ) 

There open enemy you contend, 

Here secret one, and call him friend ; 

Who for his own bad wretched self, 

Will rob you of happiness and pelf; 

And for his own perfidious ends, 

Doth sacrifice virtue honor friends ; 

And to hide him from your view, 

Will dash and dress and squander too ; 

While others for his folies pay, 

With bitter sorrow and dismay. 

Gent. 
With improved and grateful heart, 
We most thankful, Sir, depart ; 

The Gentlemen then went away, 

But Fidget still muttered two-pence to pay ; 

For he did feel vexatious care, 

At the disappointment he did bear ; 

To quiet the tumult of my soul, 

I think said he I'll take a prowl, 

But before he did begin, 

A man named Friendly did come in ; 



200 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

This Friendly was a jolly soul, 

Who lov'd to quaff his evening bowl; 

Was fond of company and noise, 

Eating and drinking were his joys ; 

But Friend iy"s father was renown"d, 

The richest man in all the town, 

Was caird the gentleman of the place, 

And sprung from a respected race ; 

In nature generous kind and free, 

The soul of hospitality ; 

But still was prudent in his way, 

And punctually his bills did pay : 

His wife in kindness did abound, 

Friend to the poor was always found, 

Bless'd with a truly noble mind, 

The wish to oblige all human kind, 

One of those old fashioned dames, 

Would strive to serve and spare no pains ; 

Soups and jellies would prepare, 

Salves and physic mix with care ; 

All this with her own hand she"d do, 

Delighted much her skill to shew ; 

Knew what would cure, what disagree, j 

Quite in her element was she, * 

When people would advised be. J 

Mind take the medicine at the time, 

To morrow be sure and call for wine ; 

The wine was drank, but Pve heard say, 

The physic went another way ; 

But, Madam, some woundrous cures had wrought, 

At least they said and so she thought ; 



\ 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 201 

And happy in herself did make, 
All around her joys partake ; 
This worthy couple had a son, 
The one that I've been speaking on. 
And much they did him doatupon ; 
And never nature did prepare 
Being with qualities more rare, 
His heart with kindness did abound, 
He was belov'd by all around ; 
His parents* nature in him seen, 
Like a reflected, sunny beam, 
Tho" strongly colour'd I do ween ; 
His person comely, stout and fair, 
Black, laughing eyes, and dark brown hair; 
The deep red bloom upon his cheek. 
High forehead, manliness did speak—* 
Tall, powerful, robust was found- 
In all athletic games renown'd ; 
Such, such he was in manhood's pride, 
Ah ! could I but his follies hide ; 
But I am bound to speak what 's true, 
And as he is, you now must view, 
And the friendship of this opposite two : 
In early life, in the same town, 
Neighbours, did each other own, 
And kindness to Fidget he had shown ; 
When boys they oftentimes would meet, 
Much pleased did each other greet ; 
Fidget was closely kept at home, 
While the other every where did roam ; 

B B 



202 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Kind and generous one would give, 
What the other gladly would receive ; 
For one no money had to spare, 
The other, too much for his share ; 
When thought, maturer age did bring, 
This early friendship did take wing ; 
The one all spend, the other spare, 
Habits and lives so different were ; 
In opinion they could not agree, 
And seldom did each other see ; 
Still Fidget for early kindness" sake, 
Would serious talk, and reasons make, 
The other good humour'd would it take ; 
Fidget, you're right I know, he'd say/ 
Still I must go my own bad way ; 
But Fidget, he would have his say, 
Let me, I say, advise with thee, 
By abundance you will ruin'd be- 
lt is your greatest enemy ; 
Remember that wise men will eat, 
And laugh at the fools who treat ; 
Unfortunate you surely are- 
Wretched with every granted prayer ; 
And always pleasure, I've heard say. 
Drives the taste for it away ; 
And when you make a slide or bend, 
Faster you go than you intend ; 
Save when you can, spend when you may, 
And live to-morrow as you do to day ; 
Pleasure may be bought too dear, 
If your accounts are not quite clear— * 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 203 



Indulge in what you can't afford, 

Is folly, folly on my word ; 

The thoughtless way in which you live., 

Very and example it doth give ; 

Your conduct will lead those astray, 

Who would go a better way ; 

Tho* Friendly to listen was oft prone, 

Sometimes would alter thus his tone, 

You go your way, 1 my own. 

None of your preaching, Fidg to me, 

'Tis clear we never shall agree, 

And still most careless on went he ; 

His wife, whose taste for shewy thing, 

Which from full purse is oft the spring ; 

His children too, luxurious were, 

To flash and dash was all their care ; 

A town house and a country too, 

Horses and servants not a few ; 

Three daughters he had, who beauties were, 

Finely formed, young and fair, 

Likewise fine names they did bear. 

The eldest, Clara, second Celia, 

And the youngest one was Delia ; 

And as each circling year went round, 

They at some place of note were found — 

At ball, at dance, at play, at race, 

They were the smartest in the place ; 

Their beauty not unknown to fame, 

And of it not a little vain, 

And men of fortune hop'd tegain 

B b 2 



204 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

But men are after the same thing, 
And women of fortune hope to win ; 
This epigram in public print, 
Was to them a real mint : — 
Venus tir'd of the same faces, 
Dismissed the other day the graces- 
Gay, sportive as the winged morn, 
To earth terrestial they were borne ; 
When known and enroll'd by fame, 
Frendly were the graces named ; 
Clara too, on her fan did find, 
Some lines quite suited to her mind, 
Written by an unknown beau, 
It might be Lord — ■ — , or Mr. So ; 
The ancient sages made a false decree, 
Who said the Graces were no more than three— 
When Clara smiles ten thousand graces rise, 
Play on her cheek and revel in her eyes : 
But the author never did appear, 
At least, I never so did hear ; 
So much of their story now the prate, 
Which I am going to relate. 

Frendly. 
Well, Fidget, well old boy, I say, 
I have not seen you many a day ; 
You sti'l contrive to boil your kettle, 
While I who am a man of mettle, 
Really, am almost run aground, 
And that's the cause I here am found, 
To beg you'll lend a thousand pound ; 
So involved, so deep I'm in, 
That I never more can swim ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 205 

A princely fortune I have spent, 
How or where, which way it went, 
It very much does puzzle me, 
But riches have wings, and they will flee ; 
It may be buried in the deep, 
For no accounts did I e'er keep ; 
But Tve one pleasure at my heart, 
Others have enjoyed a part ; 
Most luckily in one wise fit, 
I took the plan that you did hit, 
My wife's small fortune did secure, 
Settl'd on her as a jointure; 
Now my accounts I can see clear, 
'Stead of three thousand pounds per year- 
Three hundred I must live upon, 
Still I with debts am over done ; 
But scarce a breakfast that will be, 
For my expensive family. 

Fidget, tho' vex'd he went astray, } 

Was always pleas'd with his blunt wa y, v 

Though not in a joking mood to day . ) 

And I believe it must be seen, 
Little or great he did not screen ; 
His mind most freely always spoke, 
And was not over fond of joke. 

Fidget. 
Sir, you're come in a bad time, 
I have no pearl to throw to swine ; 
Prudence and sense on you are lost. 
VouTl now experience to } r our cost— 



206 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Advice you've ever thrown away, 
Useless has been all I could say ; 
My money, Sir, I never lend, 
Either to a foe or friend, 
Nor to extravagance attend. 
Your children now servants must be 
A sad reverse of fate will see, 
What can you, expect from me ; 
Those who wise counsel will not heed, 
Can never find a friend in need. 

Fmendly. 
Well, Fidg, well, don't be so glum, 
Injury to 3^011 I ne'er did none. 
I've one pleasure at my heart, 
Others have enjoyed a part — ■ 
I never was mean or niggardly, 
But generous let my money fly ; 
While you a farthing will not spend ? 
So careful watch each candle end — 
And when 'tis gone say with a sigh, 
Another candle I must buy ; 
If lending* s what you do not like, 
There is a plan that I should lik — 
Give it, I say, then give it me, 
And an advantage it will be ; 
Save you the trouble of putting downy 
The interest of the thousand pound , 
Do pray give the poor pent thing, 
For a short time a little wing ; 
It would do good I do declare, 
For your strong box to take air, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 207 

Since in your possession been, 

Scarcely day-light has it seen ; 

Give it me then, do not say nay, I 

Nor yet King Richard play I say, v 

" Be in a giving vein today." j 

Fidget. 
No sense can flow from witless head, 
Give me, Sir, has long been dead ; 
Spite of your raillery and sighing, 
Lend me too, does lay a dying— 
Better for many I do know, 
Had it been dead long time ago; 
What real good, say has it done ? 
Been the ruin of many a one ; 
Lend and its younger brother trust, 
To speak the' truth I always must, 
Only plunges deeper in the mire, 
Or out of the fry' pan 'to the fire ; 
You that did the whirlwind sow, 
Must expect the wind to blow; 
Generous do you call it Sir, 
To spend in riot and squander, 
And make an honest tradesman wait, 
Or surly turn him from your gate- 
He then doth sorrowful go away, 
And tells his creditor he can't pay — ■ 
The aching heart — the grieving wife— 
Noble trophies on my life ; 
If generosity I've not shown, 
My injustice none can ever own ; 
I never raise to tumble low, 
Or give false hopes in empty show 



208 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

For your worthy father's sake, 
I grieve that things their course must take 
Did your respected mother know, 
What bitter tears from her would flow- 
But no more breath Til throw away, 
Vm better engaged Sir, to day. 

Frendly. 
Wei! Fidget, then I'll say good bye, 
Wisdom and sense doth in you lie — 
And for myself no more I'll ask, 
Indeed, it was a bitter task ; 
But for my brats one word I'll say, 
When I am dead and pass'd away ; 
For long I know I can't hold out, 
What with the dropsy and the gout- 
Say, do not let the urchins starve, 
And heaven, I trust, will you reward ; 
But oh ! had I real father been, 
Had I their interest truly seen ; 
My father and mother too, 
Fool I have been it is most true. 

No more he said, his feeling breast, 
By strong emotion was oppress'd— 
His jolly face now sunk with woe, 
A thorough change did undergo ; 
He started, look'd around him wild, 
Then quite subdued, play'd the child- 
He wept — and when a man doth weep, 
Bitter indeed must be his grief. 



THE 11ICH OLD BACHELOR. 209 

Here Fidget turn'd away his head, 
And much soften'd, thus he said :— 
Reproach from me no more shall hear, 
And your infirmites I will bear ; 
Most lucky, I say, your sons are young, 
To them much mischief is not clone, 
And I will them apprentice out, 
If steadily their time spend out— 
I will set them up in trade- 
But mind, Til give them little aid ; 
My well earn'd gold shan't be disgraced, 
By an idle or luxurious race ; 
Now stop, and partake of my cheer, 
A knife and fork is always here, 
Which you may safely call your own, 
When hither you do like to roam. 

No, no, said Frendly, not to day, -\ 

Not a moment longer can I stay, > 

Then sqeez'd his hand and went away. ) 

While Fidget to vexation prone, 
His feelings spoke in angry tone : 
When man doth every bliss enjoy, 
What pains he takes to destroy ; 
How fortune and nature did combine, 
To make this man first of his kind ; 
If prudence does not lead the way, 
All fortune's gifts are thrown away ; 
I hate that weak and idle mind, 
Which in fortune's favourites we find ; 
c c 



210 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR ( 

Reason, justice and good sense, 
I'm sure are ample recompense, 
For the want of money and of pence. 
Most useless are all favours shown, 
To those whom self command don't own ; 
For wisdom's root is self controul, 
So by the ancients we are told ; 
But vex'd 1 feel, and will repair, 
To my garden, and there take the air- 
Perhaps it will dispel my care ; 
But scarce had he turn'd himself around, 
When in the side court there he found, 
A little girl submissive wait, 
Who curtesied to him at the gate ; 
Well, child, what is it you crave, 
Nothing, indeed Sir, J would have-— 
I only came up to the Hall, 
With a letter for Miss Bawl; 
There is no one, child, of that name, 
Your servant Betty, Sir's the same ; 
Where is the letter ? give it'me, 
Upon my word ! what do I see ? 
Miss Betsy Bawl, 
At Mr. Fidget's, at the Hall. 
Ah, luckless note, itsobefel, 
In luckless hour it came I tell ; 
In haste he turned to go in, 
And to scold Betty did begin. 

Fidget. 
Betty, I beg you will explain, 
By what means you Miss became ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 211 

You'd only be Miss I do declare, 

Was I to make of you my heir ; 

Why, a Lord's daughter can't be more, 

Tho' we put honourable before ; 

If your a Miss you must away, 

For no Misses with me shall stay ; 

A pretty joke, indeed 'twould be, 

If I had Misses live with me ; 

If you were young and haugh ti taugh ti, 

But I'm sure that you're past forty — 

You must let your correspondents know, 

A different conduct they must show; 

Madness there is in all the race, 

Every thing is out of place ; 

I suppose that the mechanic next, 

Upon his tools will have his crest; 

Such pride and nonsense on my word, 

A man in business ape a Lord ; 

Dependant on the public too, 

To force respect by outside shew : 

Better an honest crest erect, 

'Tis that will gain the most respect ; 

I'm sick of these new fangled ways, 

So different from my young days. 

And now with vex'd and jaundiced eye, 
Each trifling error he did spy ; 
Betty was scolded o'er and o'er— 
Joe never was so bad before; 
Betty was vex'd beyond decorum, 
And said he was old snip snap snorura* 
c c 2 



s 



212 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Joe, who had neither love or fear, 

Said that for him he did not care ; 

This they said behind his back, 

To prove of wit they did not lack ; 

Thus each part\ T spit their spite, 

In disagreeables till night ; 

When Fidget with more unsettled mind, 

Than e'er he did expect to find — 

To allay the ferment of his breast, 

Thus strove his thoughts to express; 

Disappointment and vexatious care, ) 

1 have this day been doom'd to bear, 

Keen feelings too, have been my share : 

How has it all been brought about, 

That 1 thus strangely am put out ; 

Mrs. Bounty, but there, that's gone by, 

Money 1 find, could not her buy ; 

Money again did trouble bring, 

Tho' scarce of more value than a pin; 

For money again I was required, 

And money I gave when so desirM — 

Then money again was the demand. 

Was forc'd to hold it with firm hand, 

Or 'gainst my will and reason too, 

It would have gone, no good to do ; 

What trouble is this wealth to me, 

Half mind to throw it in the sea ; 

Each one with envy does me eye, 

Or call me mean and niggardly ; 

All think they've a right to share, 

Some by entreaty and by prayer, 

Some would force it if they dare ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 213 

What right have I them to supply, 

1 got it by care and industry ; 

A man I met the other day, 

Who jeering to me thus did say, 

If 1 were rich and you were poor, 

A cow you should find at your door ; 

A cow would bring me many a pound, ^ 

You in wealth do so abound, > 

Won't miss it when the year comes round. ) 

Thought I injury did to him, 

Nor to listen to his whim ; 

But I so very well do know, 

To the ale-house soon the cow would go; 

And he would call it rare good cheer, 

To turn her milk into strong beer ; 

Prenicious good avaunt 1 say, 

The folly Tve seen of you to day ; 

What would you have ye eager crew, 

Falsely the goods of life all view ; 

Behold Frendly what is he, 

The better for riches that did flee, 

Like chaff before the morning gale, -\ 

With what pleasure did he hail, > 

His prosperous luxurious sale. J 

Now poverty with sharpen'd teeth, 

Doubly bitter makes him writh ; 

Then turn again and look on me, 

What good are riches great to me ; 

I cannot squander them away; 

In useless follies, dress and play ; 

I cannot bear that it should fly, 

What good is it, where it doth lie ; 



214 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

How trae what the wise man sung, 
No pleasure is under the sun ; 
No more I'll think but haste to bed, 
There will I lay my wearv head ; 
Such a day of trouble and of strife, 
Sure I ne'er did have in all my life. 

Some days wore spent in sadden'd moody 
But Fidget fe^t it did him good ; 
Wisdom do3S from self knowledge springs 
And peace and comfort home doth bring ; 
To know one self is but fair play, 
And to virtue points the way ; 
Reflection came unto his aid, 
And his heart was thus displayed ; 
Disappointments oft I've understood, 
Are instruments of real good ; 
For when oppressed by oar care, 
Another's load will help to bear ; 
When our own heart's with sorrow flow, 
We then can feel another's woe ; 
But when our bark doth easy glide, 
We never thank the wind or tide ; 
Nor grieve to see a tearful face, 
When ours with smiles is quite elate ; 
Yes, plainly I perceive said he, 
She is much wiser far than me ; 
At my age habits must be stamp'd,. 
Feeling's and ideas too are cramp'd ; 
Extract sweet from bitter if I can, 
Tno' hard it is, the wisest plan ; 
All for the best I now do see, 
For certain we should net agree; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 215 

Equanimity he soon did gain, \ 

But shade of feeling- did remain, > 

Which more pleasure gave than pain. J 

It serv'd to soften his rough soul, 

But still prudence held controul ; 

And thus wisely argued he, > 

Abuse I find is equally, > 

In being too close or too free. * 

For this the apostle truly says, -\ 

In the love of money evil lays, > 

This I've experienced all my days. 3 

1 feel what I ne'er felt before, 

I am too eager after store ; 

I'm wrong, I do begin to find, -\ 

And are too narrow in my mind, > 

Am not benevolent or kind. 3 

The tide of kindness that will charm, 

'Tis that which doth each bosom warm ; 

And should heaven my life still spare, 

By it's aid and constant prayer ; 

Beneficence I'll strive to gain, 

And cheerfulness with them remain ; 

For he possess'd a serious mind, 

And to piety was inclin"d. 

Tho' thus he argued, thus he did, 
Yet heavily the time it slid ; 
Day after day did pass away, 
Which helped his ferment to allay ; 
Just ideas soften'd down his pain, 
Serenity soon did regain ; 



216 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

But idle he would never be, 

So something- must I do said he; 

To prove that feeling now is dumb, 

And that malice I have none ; 

That though with disappointment pain'd, 

Justice with me does still remain ; 

That [ too like the candid heart, 

Who open and honest acts his part ; 

Who scorn's like hireling to be sold, 

And give up every thing for go'd ; 

Now passion is calm, dislike still, 

For certain I will make my will; 

And as the last act of my life, 

All deling must cease of hatred strife ; 

I now must act the upright part, 

In humble purity of heart ; 

1 must before my judge appear, 

And answer for my conduct here ; 

This a protracted bitter task, 

Must be done tho' at the last ; 

Not by weak, folly, or neglect, 

Produce sad feelings of regret ; 

Not injure those I mean to serve, 

By want of proper strength of nerve ; 

My money I will give to them, 

Who will not idly waste or spend ; 

To those who will enjoy the use, 

And by their means much good produce; 

To those who far as I can see, 

Possess prudence, virtue, charity ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 217 



The principal to them shall go, 
Some more my gratitude to show, 
For favours received from so and so ; 
For I no kin or kindred own, 
And in the world do stand alone ; 
Did I by blood possess a tie, 
The justice that doth in me lie, 
To them I'd leave my property : 
For that which I now call my own, 
I>y law and right to them would come ; 
But as no one has claim on me, 
To please myself I am quite free. 

The will he wrote and when 'twas done, 
Hesign'd and put his seal upon, 
'Twas witnessed, all in order done; 
And as he careful laid it by, 
Long, said he, may you there lie, 
For at present I don't want to die. 

The mellowing hand of time doth show, 
We can forget both weal and woe— 
That the joy and sorrow of to day, 
Like ocean's wave tvill roll away ; 
This Fidget prov'd, time did dispel, 
The mist that so late on him fell — 
He felt awaken'd from a dream, 
Quite a different man did seem ; 
But general character did remain, 
Or unperceived was the change, 

D D 



218 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For he was ruled by self-controul, 

None saw the secret of his soul ; 

Though firmly resolved to do good, 

His manners still were blunt and rude ; 

All is not good that's smoth and fair, 

Judge not by the exterior ; 

Nor since the letters passed between, 

Had he ever Mrs. Bounty seen ; 

And the first time that they did meet, 

Was by accident in the street ; 

Fidget at first was short and dry, 

And very quick in his reply, 

Hastily would have pass'd her by; 

She with her usual wish to please, 

Strove to make him feel at ease ; 

Happy again to meet my friend, 

Hope that health doth him attend ; 

Then with kindness in her face, 
Told with most becoming grace, 
Some trifling chit chat of the place ; 
Pity she felt soon spread a balm, 
That did make his heart feel calm, 
Unpleasant feelings did dispel, 
Complascent ones his bosom swell ; 
When they at length, tho' loth did part, 
Friendship was fixed in either heart; 
For love in his assured that hue, 
And pity in her's did form it too. 

And here I could apostrophize, 
On the power that in woman lies ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 219 

Oft she proves the greatest blessing, 
By her conduct and caressing ; 
But when from sense and judgment free, 
The greatest torment she can be ; 
But as every day such things do show, 
'T would be tautology I know. 

Now the winter did set in, 
And little parties did begin ; 
My ryhme too must take a vis, 
To know what doing in the town is ; 
If any wish to hear the news, 
They may follow if they chuse, 
To Mrs. Chatty's house of call, 
Where after a party or a ball ; 
The ladies would together meet, 
To give their opinion of the fete, 
Say what was right and what awry, 
Some affable and some so high — 
Some dress'd so sweet and some so dock'd, 
Some were charmed, others shock'd— 
Poor Mrs. So with all her brood, 
And Mr. So was dreadful rude— 
But what can any one expect, 
In such a horrid mixed set- 
People really without name, > 
En verite His quite a shame, C 
They should mix with us of fame. j 

2 D D 



I 



220 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Now in half whisper in a trice,, 

Spoke one, who spirit had a spice, 

Really, folks need not be nice. 

Did every one their grandsire claim, 

He would be found without a name ; 

If character does stand quite fair, 

If they of fortune have a share, 

What objection then is there ; V 

What right have we to keep up state, 

Such pride and nonsense I do hate, 

Inferiors will not contaminate ; 

1 like to see all parties gay, 

The more the merrier I say ; 

And as our poet does express, 

Though we with riches now are bless'd ; 

The various turns of fortune ponder, 

If the richest come to want don't wonder — 

We double pleasure ought to feel, 

When others partake of our weal ; 

Enjoy the present happy hour, 

Let not trifles make us sour — 

Not crabbed-like grasp all the joy, 

Feel vexM if others do enjoy ; 

People who to such feelings prone, 

Should have a world made of their own, 

Where they may live all alone; 

I agree with you, I think so to, 

For what you say, is very true. 

I say, did you see old Fidget, 

How he does pry peep and nidget ; 

Ah ! I did hear a story droll, 

Now do tell, do tell the whole ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 221 

You know what a fuss there is made, 
About his place, 'tis quite a trade- 
People to go and look it o'er, 
This is to him a dreadful bore ; 
Some time ago a person went, 
One that was on business bent ; 
Fidget was spudding in his ground, 
And never turn'd his head around -, 
Taken the liberty, Sir, to call, 
Did not look up, aye so do all 
Pester me forsooth and torment, 
Because on pleasure they are bent; 
Oblig'd should be to see }^our place — 
Piddle faddling, thru to waste; 
To see my house they are inclin'd, 
Better at home their business mind ; 
Because I choose to have a hobby, 
They must plague me with their fully ; 
Such conduct alwa} 7 s makes me sour, 
Giddy butterflies of an hour— 
A swarming set of idle drones, 
Who bring their honey from the ir homes ; 
I beg your pardon Sir, but I, 
I am come your wool to buy ; 
Oh ! that indeed *s another thing, 
If that's the case beg vou'll walk in. 

Ha, ha, ha ! — well, for my share, 
What an odd mortal J declare. 

There's another one, if I can see 
As great a character ashe; 



222 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

I mean Mrs. Candour of this town, 
A lady, you know, of some renown — 
You recollect some time ago, 
A ball was given by Lady So, 
And she too, had a card to go ; 
Most quickly did she hasten down, 
To buy herself a smart new gown ; 
When on the steps, on the cold stone, 
A woman sat shivering alone — 
Pale she look'd in haggard plight, 
But her clothes were neat and tight ; 
A piece of liver she had got, 
On stick or skewer, or what not ; 
Mrs. Candour stopped, gracious me, 
What a shocking object do I see— 
A fellow-creature, trembling, pale, 
While I the goods of life do hale ; 
This moment on vanity intent, 
To buy a gown am fully bent; 
This wretch's half starv'd, sunken cheek, 
And pallid lip doth powerful speak ; 
This money can better be applied, 
Than to gratify my silly pride — 
No sooner said, the deed was done, 
Poor woman went rejoicing home : 
While Mrs. Candour at the route, 
Well pleas'd with what she'd been about, 
Laughed to see the people stare, 
To ihink she came so shabby there. 

La, well, f never, how absurd— 

I think 'twas good, upon mf word. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 223 

Of Fidget you may have your say, 
Much good he's done in his day ; 
Poor Worthy, he set up in trade, 
And a snug fortune he has made ; 
Through him the Mr. Genteel, 
His loss of fortune does not feel— 
Which he so cruelly did lose, 
By the false friend that he did choose. 



Now rap a tap they did hear, 
Bless me, now, who have we here ? 
'Tis your levee morn my dear : 

Of your P's and Q's you must beware, 
For 'tis old Fidget, I declare. 

Ah, Mr. Fidget is it you, 

Ah, Mr. Fidget how do ye do ; 

But in talking they would lose no time, 

Was not the music very fine, 

Oh! charming indeed, quite divine; 

Don't you think Miss *~ a fine singer, 

No, 1 think she's a squallinio. 

And there is one thing I must say, 
When people set them down to play, 
From the instrument can't get away; 
Their own sounds so sweet appears, 
They care not for another's ears ; 



224 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Then round the room such raptures run — 
Sweet, how charming 1 , thank you ma'am, 
I'm very sorry, glad you're done ; 
While the poor deluded wight, 
Would set and sing to j^ou all night. 

And to music all do run away, 
Though not a grain of taste have they, 
But 'tis the fashion of the day. 

There's Miss without time or taste, 

Shame indaed her time to waste; 
But bravo bravissimo all cry, 
Then turn round and look so sly ; 
Such stuff did you e'er hear before, 
And then again bawl out encore. 

Such unkind conduct I can't bear, 
People to prove their judgment fair, 
Imperfections keenly spy, 
To prove they have a critic's eye, 
But beauty's cruelly pass by : 
Better a feeling heart to own, 
The want of knowledge to attone. 

How very true upon my word, 

But people will be so absurd ; 

To me there's one thing very strange, 

In hRrmony much discord reigns ; 

Musical people ne'er agre^, 

But envious and jealous be ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 225 

And if the truth they dare to tell, 
Think none but themselves excel. 

I know I shall be turned to jest, ^ 

But 1T1 be candid and confess, > 

Music I do so much detest. J 

For what to me is very hard, 

It spoils a pleasant game at card ; 

Hush, hark, the music, all do say, 

And never mind a card they play ; 

Music I think is very well, 

But cards they are my magic spell— 

An amusement that no one can blame, 

For all feel interest in the same ; 

And I believe it is most true, 

We like that best that we can do. 

Thus various opinions flew about, 
Many little secrets were let out — 
Some half whispering were spoke, j. 
Some in earnest, some in joke $ 
But had I the tongues of Babel, 
To repeat all I am not able. 

Miss Macdonald now was all the cry, } 

Who was just arrivtd by the bye, > 

With her glossy hair and hazel eye. j 

A gentleman enraptur'd said, 
She is indeed a beateous maid — 
Such loveliness and grace is seen, 
She might be hailed beauty's queen — ■ 

£ E 



226 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Blooming cheeks, and arch eye brow, 
Her dimpling smiles all hearts must bow ; 
Her mind intelligent does appear, 
Which makes her beauty still more dear ; 
And in her laughter loving eye, 
Droll wit and keen sense I spy ; 
She's at the age all girls should be, 
Just blooming youth in sweet twenty ; 
Much better far I do ween, 
Than romantic seventeen, 
For sense with beauty now is seen. 
To Bounty may much good behap, 
For Cupid has caught him in his trap. 

Oh, no, exclaimed voices shrill, 
He never can behave so ill, 
For he 's engaged to Miss Pill. 

It may be true what you do say, 
But 1 heard Mrs. Bounty say — 
Mind entre nous it must be, 
For I did promise secresy ; 

To Pill I'm under obligation, 
More than to any in the nation ; 
For when we came to settle her* , 
ISot&sous would he take my dear; 
He's taken the greatest care and pain, 
Practice for my son to gain ; 
And we to prove our gratitude, 
Oblige Miss Pill in all we could ; 



\ 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 227 



Her father once did hint to me, 
If she and my son could but agree, 
A very good match it would be : 
But in the aifairs of the heart, 
I will not take an active part; 
No good from marriage e'er can flow, 
Where compulsion's used I know ; 
Should my son think they've a claim, 
If her affection he can gain, 
I quite neutral shall remain ; 
Most happy should be to shew regard, 
And the good Dr. thus reward ; 
A sort of noise here Fidget made, 
And inadvertent shook his head : 
The ladies stared, but so intent, 
That thus in talking on they went. 

Pho ! so much there is said upon 
This Mrs. Bounty and her son, 
I think 'tis time the folks have done; 
Nothing in them that I can see, 
That such a fuss there should be ; 
Many others quite as clever, 
But of them we ne'er hear never ; 
Fine thing indeed, to get a name, 
It hides each fault, prevents all blame— 
I'm sick at heart with all the chat, 
Of Bounty this and Bounty that ; 
Phcenix-like I'm sure they rise, 
From their own ashes to the skies, 
Can't discover where their merit lies, 
2 E E 



i 



228 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Here Fidget tried to smile or grin, 
When he to talk did thus begin : 
The depravity of this age we blame, 
Human nature ever was the same ; 
For envy's slanderous tooth was known, 
To bite in ages now far gone ; 
The high station or great merit, 
The shaft of envy doth inherit ; 
The higher that our fortunes tower, 
The surer mark in each one's power — 
And I today was looking o'er. 
Old magazine's near half a score, 
Did find in one so very old, 
"How aged now need not be told, 
Some lines in which I did retrace, 
The proof that in every age and place, 
The passions of men are still the same, 
Envy and malice none can tame. 
Sure no one here need fear my song, 
To the vulgar, envy does belong, 
Though the ugly it may glance upon : 
The lines I have in pocket here, 
But as my voice is not quite clear, 
Mr. So will read, if you will hear. 

Mr. So did cough, smile and hem> 
The paper took and thus began. 

What ails thee, Lord Alvon, 

Thou sleepest not sound — 
Though thy bed it is purple, 

Thy pillow is down. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 229 

Awake from thy slumber, 

Arouse and bthold, 
Thou hast plenty of silver, 

And plenty of gold. 

Arouse thee, Lord Alvon, 

Arouse thee and see, 
The tables of luxury 

Groaning for thee. 

Thy person is comely, 

Commanding thy mien — 
And courtesy greets thee, 

If thou art but seen. 

Even beauty's soft smile, 

And gay dimples improve, 
When your eyes beam with pleasure, 

Or sighs say you love. 

Thy houses are many, 

And wide's thy domain ; 
Now tell us Lord Alvon, 

The cause of thy pain. 

Do tell us, Lord Aivon, 

The cause of your woe, 
That all beauty and pleasure, 

You thus do forego. 

Now listen, now listen, 

The cause I'll impart, 
That steels all affection, 

That deadens the heart. 



230 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR* 

Lord Alvor/s enchanted, 

In witchcraft he's hound— • 
And spells the most direful 

Encompass him round ; 

For a hag the most ugly, 
That eye could behold, 

He forsakes every pleasure- 
He heeds not his gold. 

At a feast that was given 

One day by a friend — 
The beauty and fashion 

Of court did attend. 

A hero of matchless 

And martial renown, 
Was hail'd with delight. 

And encompassed round : 

The King did him honor, 

And beauty's sweet smile, 
Was spread all around him— 

His heart to beguile. 

With laurel and roses, 

A bower was entwin'd — 
The hero to grace, 

Where he lay reclinM. 

Now music inspiring, 

Its power display'd; 
The soft and the martial, 

Alike lent its aid. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 231 



'Twas then that Lord Alvon, 

Received a blow — 
But the hand that inflicted, 

None told or did know. 

He felt his heart sick, 

Strange thoughts did annoy ; 
He hasted to leave, 

The gay region of joy. 

When close to his side, 

A hag there appears, 
So wretched, so ugly, 

So wrinkled with years : 

Lord Alvon she cried, 
I see thou art mine— 

Then close to her breast, 
She did him entwine. 

He writhed in torture— 
He writhed in pain ; 

He made no resistance- 
He found it was vain. 

Til tell thee Lord Alvon, 
I'll tell you my name ; 

I'll tell thee, why on thee, 
I have a just claim. 

I saw thy pale lip, 

And the sigh ill-repress'd— 
When false homage you made, 

The bravest and best. 



232 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR* 

I smote on your heart, 

You received the blow — 
From that moment all pleasure, 

Ail joy you forego, 

/ 
For my name it is Envy, 

And sharp is my sting — 

The more you do struggle, 

The closer I'll cling. 

My name it is Envy, 

And I am jfour bane ; 
I'll deaden your colour, 

Your form I will wane. 

My name it is Envy — 

No more pleasure you'll take, 
In fortune or splendour, 

That riches can make. 

My name it is Envy, 

The daughter of pride ; 
IS 7 o beauty shall please thee, 

By thee I'll abide. 

My name it is Envj% 

And till death do us sever— 
I'll tease you and torment, 

And torture for ever. 

Encomiums now Fidgef did hear, 
From many lips I do declare ; 
So very good, oh, vastly clever, 
Don't you write verse, oh, no, never I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 233 

Mr. Fidget, I would if I were you, 
For you have nothing else to do ; 
And if people have but time, 
Easy enough it is to rhyme. 
Fidget. 
But the sense, Ma'am, must likewise chime, 
And I've heard of an inspiring nine ; 
But Jupiter's daughters will not deign, 
On one so mean to cast a name ; 
Vain for me such nymphs to woo, 
I that am old and ugly too ; 
I've nought to do with tropes and flowers. 
Purling rills and shady bowers. 
Would Pallas indeed, but condescend, 
To oun me for an humble friend, 
At her shrine I glad would bow, 
Tho* wisdom's not the fashion now. 

Well, I never, did you hear, 
Was any thing half so severe. 

Here's Mrs. Gossip quite brimful— 

Mrs. Gossip. 
Oh ! have you heard, oh, wonderful ? 
Mr. Dash is broke and run away, 
A nd left no one knows what to pay ; 
Tho' 'tis whispered in the town, 
He's broke for fifty-thousand pound ; 
All his fine 'things we now shall see, 
For soon an auction there will be ; 

F F 



234 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Mr. Fidget, I hope you will be there — 
For money we know, you well can spare ; 
Such bargains Vm sure, there will be, 
And surely they will well please thee. 

Fidget. 
For penny worths I have no taste, 
Buy what I do not want is waste ; 
A useless thing is no bargain, 
And a bad way wealth to obtain ; 
If you repentance wish to buy, 
Lay out your money foolishly — 
And when you've bought what you don't lack, 
A coat you may soon want to back ; 
All this I read when I was young, 
In a paper written by some one ; 
And bustling folks oft ruined are, 
By buying bargains much too dear ; 
If you can't resist temptation, 
View not the pretty things or taste 'em ; 
If so, what many goods do call, 
Will prove great evils after all : 
I may perhaps look in and see, 
Not a sixpence will they get from me; 
But time is precious, must away, 
So ladies I wish you a good day. 

My ryhme it is his satellite, 
And therefore cannot quit his sight, 
And as he plodded on his way, 
Thus musing to himself did say. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 235 

Fidget. 

No good that ever I did sje, 
Does ever come of secresy ; 
Mrs. Bounty I did mean to serve, 
How has it turn'd upon my word; 
Her son oblig'd to make a match, 
And gratitude the only trap ; 
By proper feeling brought to do, 
A deed which his whole heart will rue, 
It must not be, "twill never do ; 
Miss Pill's a very worthy dame, 
But she's old and ugly, rather lame ; 
I must step in and take his part, 
And let the young man give his heart, 
Where youth and beauty do unite, 
Birth, situation, all his right— 
I always like that folks should mate 
With people in an equal state ; 
For youth and age cannot agree, 
Nor should beauty join deformity — 
And for her clever mother's sake, 
His too, their fo: tune's I will make. 

Thus fully resolved, sat down to do, 
The plan that now he had in view, 
And soon a letter he did write ; 
Madam, 

1 think it is quite right 
A little matter to explain* 
Which, tho' it causes me some pain ; 

2 F F 



236 THE RICH OLD BACHELGK. 

Injustice I think right to do, 

That evil from good may not ensue ; 

To keep you no longer in suspense, 

I made a trifling recompense, 

To Dr. Pill, when you came here, 

That things might be all fair and clear, 

I never meant that you should hear ; 

But as circumstances turn, 

I think the truth you ought to learn ; 

Mind, Dr. Pill can"t blamed be, 

I made him promise secrecy ; 

Now if you thank me, or e'en name it, 

You'll lose the esteem of S. Fidget. 

Mrs. Bounty had a feeling heart, 
And this letter made it smart; 
But every generous mind can tell, 
The thoughts that did her bosom swell ; 
By kindness and gratitude o'ercome, 
Many hearts by noble deeds are won, 
She hastened to commune with her son. 
A mist did fall from either eyes, 
Fidget was seen in a new guise ; 
Bounty who thought him blunt and rude, 
Did never on him much intrude — 
He did not shew him great respect, 
Nor yet offend by much neglect ; 
On Miss Pill he never gave a thought, 
But treated her just as he ought, 
Respect and gratitude to prove, 
But never gave a hint of love , 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 237 

Though Mrs. Fame with busy tongue, 
A very different song- had sung — 
And Madam Rumour ever wise, 
She had whispered likewise ; 
Fidget had humble suitor been, 
To Mrs. Bounty, but 'twas seen ; 
She at him did laugh and scoff, 
And he poor man was turned off; 
Mrs. Highly said I'm sure she's right, 
For he is a monstrous fright ; 
But others said through thick and thin, 
The widow laid a trap for him. 

The auction day did now come round, •% 

And all smart folks within the town, > 

With county gentry there were found ; 3 

Mix'd with the crowd too, was young Bounty, 

With the sweetest girl in all the county ; 

So thought he, though scarce'he knew it, 

But tell-tale eyes can't fail to shew it; 

'Twas not the air, 'twas not (he face, ^ 

But a certain something he did trace, > 

That appear'?! all loveliness and grace: J 

Famething enchanting, undenVd, > 

That might centre in his mind, > 

For love most fortunate is blind ; J 

Lucky for him and her likewise, 

We all do see with different eyes ; 

But Miss Macdonald I must own, 

Deserv'd the praise that on her shone : 

But the scene who can describe, 

With all the pretty things beside ; 



288 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

With your indulgence and kind leave, 
Merely the items I will give ; 
The company I must explain, 
By tickets did admission gain : 
And every one must now see clear, 
No vulgar herd were mixed here. 

Oh ! those Coburg screens, how charming, 
The price I'm sure, must be alarming, 
Still they may go a thorough bargain. 

Oh ! have you seen, do look, behold I 
Those India jars of burnish'd gold. 

Oh I that beautiful china pot, 
That is a love, is it not ? 

What a charming, elegant chandelier, 
Such a sweet, convenient chefioneer, 
I will have it, if *tis not too dear. 

Fm in raptures, bless my stars ! 
With these superb foreign jars. 

Those darling alabaster vases, 
This a most delightful place is ; 
And those figures, oh ! how fine, 
The pictures they are quite divine, 
Such a collection must have taken time. 

A gain allow me to quote Babel, 
For to say more I'm not able ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 239 

Among the rest that I do mention, 
Mrs. Bounty came with an intention, 
Not being with furniture overdone, 
To purchase a wardrobe for her son ; 
And one she saw botti strong and good, 
Made of nice mahogany wood ; 
About it to Mrs. Kindly talking, 
When Mr. Fidget he did walk in — 
In lis way the ladies did accost, 
Ask'd what they admir d most. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
A handsome wardrobe 1 have found, 
Should like to give for it ten pound ; 
But as at an auction I, 
Never any thing did buy ; 
I wish a friend I could find, 
To bid for what I am inclin'd ; 
The smile and turning of her eye, 
This friend Fidget soon did spy. 

Fidget. 
If in me you see (hat friend, 
Til do my Lest you may depend ; 
But let me your commands receive, 
Ten pounds I think you said you'd give. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
'Tis very true. I did say so, 
Haste or the bargain it will go. 

Scon as the bidding was begun, 
A nd when several folks had done, 
When proper time it did come round, 
Fidget loud did say ten pound. 



210 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Auctioneer. 
If no more's bid I'll knock it down. 
A prig who wisK'd to have soma fun, 
Said I wiil give another one, 
"lis yours said Fidget fori have done. 

Mrs. Bounty thanked him with a smile, 
Still she was sorry all the while : 
The article so good and sound, 
I wish you'd bid another pound. 

Fidget quickly turned away, 
Muttering to himself -did say, 
Women are all alike I plainly see, 
Their wishes and prudence ne'er agree. 

Mrs. Buyall. 
Such bargains I have bought my dear. 

Miss . 

Have you indeed, do let me hear. 

Mas. Buyall. 
I'll shew you the next time we meet. 
Bless me how my heart does beat, 
And I'm all o'er in such a heat : 
Auctioneer, what did you say ? 
What is it you're giving away. 

Auctioneer. 
A counterpane so good and sound, 
Scarce a break in it is found, 
I'm only biJ for it a pound. 

Mrs. Buyall 
Ten shillings I will give to that. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 241 

Puff. 
Another ten I'll give, that's flat—' 

Another ten, she briskly cried, 

Another ten, he quick replied— 

Another ten, I'll give, do ye hear, 

Ma'am it 'syour's, that is quite clear. 

Mrs. Bdyall 
Why don't you bid, la ! Mr, Fidget, 
I'm sure you've not a grain of spirit. 

Fidget. 
The great desire you have for all ; 
Sure, you had better buy the ball — 
In other words, I mean the earth, 
That to every thing gives birth. 

Mas. Buyall. 
Well, now, really that's so good, 
Upon my word I wish I cou'd : 
Are those sweet screens knocked down ? 

Auctioneer. 
No, Ma'am. 

Mrs. Buyall. 
Then I'll give another pound. 

Auctioneer. 
Look at these curtains Ma'am, behold ? 
I'm sure they cost their weight in gold ; 
How heautiful the pi »k and green, 
Believe me, the like were never seen 

6 G 



242 THE Rial OLD BACHELOR 

MissTitter'eMc 
Did you ever know such fun? 
The drollest thing I'm sure, is done— 
There's Mr. Eager, 'tis no j oke, 
Bidding on his wife like smoke ; 
While she (well, I commend her spirit) 
Is resolved he shall not have it. 

Auctioneer. 
First to him then to her, — 
Thank you, ma'am, thank you, Sir ; 
At last he knocked it down to heiv 

Mr. Eager. 
Who's got the bargain ? aye old boy: 
Auctioneer could scarce conceal his joy. 

Auctioneer. 
Mrs. Eager, Sir, has bought the toy* 

Said Eager, that's a joke most tough, 
1 hope, my dear, you bid enough* 

Mrs. Eager. 
Why, really, I took you for a puff. 

Poor Fidget was stunned In both ears, 
With the bustle and the buz he hears, 
And such extravagance appears : 
Scarcely his choler could repress, 
Or help his feelings to express ; 
You know it always was bis way, 
''Bout every thing to have a say ; 
But a certain thing named appetite, 
Within lura now began to bite ; 
Dinner noitr foe thought was near, 
Which by bis wafo&ctid so appear. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 24$ 

Regularity was his delight, 

To hasten home he thought quite right* 

For much it always vexes me, 

If people will not punctual be* 

No order or business can be done, 

If folks we can't depend upon ; 

And if I make them wail for me, 

Then but justice it would .be*; 

Another time I may depend* \ 

I shall have to wait- for them,, > 

•So there'd be waiting without end ; * 

So thinking, to some he slightly bow"d. 

Then made his way quite through the croud* 

Kow three swift months did pass away, 
Miss iYSacdonald expected every day, 
A summons to return to town, 
Or father and mother to come down— ► 
So pleasantly the time had pass'd* 
She requested longer it might last; 
For sweet unto the youthful breast* 
Is company, attention, dress , 
At little parties, play or ball. 
Great civility did receive from all; 
The morning hours in parties spent* 
Some things of note to view they went; 
And every one must know the power -^ 

Mrs. Bounty had to pass the hour* V 

By her fire side when clouds did lowY. J 

Independent of William's coming in* 
With the little stories he did bring * 
Sec 



244 THE RICH OLD EACHEIXK. 

Elizabeth too, did lend her aid, 

And her various powers display'd ; 

Music so much she understood, 

Not to play bad or very good ; 

Her voice was pleasing, soft, and clear, 

But no bravura did appear ; 

I wish, was what the Colonel said, 

Music should lend its pleasant aid, 

To beguile an idle, happy hour, 

And amuse her friends, if in her power ; 

A professor wish her not to be, 

Takes too much time and expense for me ; 

In French she was grounded well, 

But in painting did excel, 

It was her forte, and flowers her taste, 

On screens and card-racks she did paste, 
And sweetly had her skill display'd, 
In a set for Mrs. Bounty made ; 
. They were most beautiful and neat, 
Which she did hasten to complete — 
While Bounty he was sitting by, 
And seem'd engaged in deep study, 
For by some strong, magnetic power, 
He pass'd at home now many an hour ; 
A common place-book she had got, 
With scraps of poetry and what not ; 
Many receipts too there were found. 
Mix so and so in a compound- 
Charades and riddles did abound, 
Which did serve them to amuse, 
In dearth^ of chit chat or the news ; 



THE RICE! OLD BACHELOR. 215 

The little odds of time to fill, 

She'd work a flounce or a frill ; 

And thus by constant, wise employ, 

She did augment her store of joy ; 

No leisure hour she had I ween, 

To bring- ennui or the spleen, 

And her cheerful, happy heart, 

Its playful mirth would round impart ; 

II er wardrobe, I must say, was spare, 

No great variety did appear; 

Her dress was simple, neat, and plain, 

But sweet gentility did reign ; 

She oft would exercise her skill, \ 

To make it more as fashion will, > 

Place here a ribbon, there a frill. s 

Few trinkets, indeed, she cculd boast, 

61 But unadorn'd > adorn'd the most :" 

No ten pound dress could she claim, 

Fearful to get a soil or stain ; 

The Colonel he would smile and say, \ 

My daughters can't go in trappings giy, > 

In the expensive fashion of the day ; J 

This on their minds I do impress, 

'Tis not the dress, but the address, 

That does the gentlewoman make, 

Which years will add unto, not take ; 

1 trust they've charms within their breast, 

That will atone the want of dress ; 

One thing to say I am inclin'd. 

To prove how amiable her mind ; 

For if she had the newest fashion, 

O; did possess a pretty pattern, 






24® THE HIGH *>L0 &AC£f£t0PU 

If any one did much admire-* 
I 'II shew you if you do require ; 
Not ill naturedly exclaim, 
Others shall never have the same ;. 
Not strive to hide it from thejr view. 
It pleasure gave if she could shew- — 
Thus by her kind, obliging ways, 
She gain'd their love, she gain'd their praise- 
While they by proper feeling bent, 
Grateful returned what she thus lent ', 
For closely lock'd «>ust that heart be. 
If kindness will not set it free ' r 
Bui some there are we all must own, 
Pa&sess a heart much like a stone,. 
Wha live but for themselves alone. 

fil»» Bounty dow the room did lea^e, 
That orders domestic she might give j 
Bat what could make such discourse turs r 
At present I'm at loss to learn ; 
0ut by some means it did come out* 
The subject of lo\ r e was iaik'd about ^ 
Said Elizabeth, smiling all the while,, 
The fbve ©f a parent for the child, 
I've heard 's the strongest tie on earth, 
But flames and darts excite my mirth ; 
He who much wish'dher heart to move,, 
Tims spoke that he that heart might prove*. 

Thotfghyou Ve ihssweeinessof tliedov^ 
i think you've aot ahsart to Love^ 



THE RICH OLB BACHELOR, 247 

"*Tis true, she quick replied, 
Love and I am not allied. 

Then taking a pencil from the table. 
Fit write you a scrap, if I am able ; 
My opinion then you plainly see, 
That love and I can never agree. 

Love, little, cruel, selfish brat. 
Will ever and anon 
With consequential air and look, 
Try to catch me with his hook — 
But I who know his every trick, 
Still do from his fingers slip- 
Enraged, he still new projects tries, 
Either to catch my ears or eyes, 
Now on my vanity doth play, 
Makes flattery exert its sway ; 
Oh ! how 1 make his chol'er burn, 
For I can flatter in my turn ; 
Beauty now he calls to aid, 
Chuckling, thinks his trap well laid ; 
But I who know his every hit, 
Cry what is beauty without wit. 

She then i.vsghing ran away, 
Mor to listen to him would she stay. 

While his thoughts turn'd on this strain, 
1 see indeed, it is quite plain, 
Her affections I can never gain. 



248 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Led on by vanity and hope, 
With bitter feelings now must cope ; 
Blind 'tis true I must have been, 
To think that I ever could win, 
Such beauty and merit all discover, 
Every one must wish to be her lover ; 
A humble country surgeon too, 
It certainly would never do ; 
A match no doubt she'll make that's great, 
As her sister did in high estate ; 
She would I'm sure a palace grace, 
While I in humble life have place- 
No, this she means a master stroke, 
To quash at once all idle hope — 
Plain was seen my fond intention, 
But no more must I it mention : 
No more must gaze with raptured eye, 
No more her merits must descry ; 
Though I with ardent love do burn, 
Yet still, I trust, my heart is firm, 
To suffer the pangs of hopeless love, 
Nor let her see that she can move : 
For I feel I have an honest heart, 
Yet still proud feelings have a part : 
But was i master of a wide domain, 
She and she only ever should have claim- 
Had I millions, humbly I would say, 
Behold ! your'e mistress, and there prostrate lay ; 
No selfish love sh^ e'er should find in me, 
Which by my conduct she shall plainly see, 
For though I fail still will I attempt, 
And conquer mj' passion I am fully bent : 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 249 

For it is idle, shews a feeble mind, 

If to despondency we are inclined— 

The powers that nature kindly has bestow'd, 

I will exert to help me bear the load, 

Of deadened hope, but I will check despair— 

With fortitude the present evil bear ; 

And she perhaps, may justly some day own, } 

By the forbearing conduct I have shown, i 

I'd sacrifice myself, endure for her alone. 

Then she might view with different eyes,' 

And say I justly did deserve the prize ; 

Nor shall my mother ever know I feel, 

For by exertion, trust the wound will heal. 

Thus true love made him blind, all else did see, 
Elizabeth could love as well as he ; 
For modest merit silent claims, 
Steals the heart where virtue reigns ; 
Goodness in him she did discover, 
In his conduct to his mother ; 
For so attentive, kind was he, 
The soul of affability— 
If ever it did happen so, 
That to a party they did go, 
Which his business did prevent, 
To see her home he always went ; 'f 

If late that he could not appear, 
Then he would always hover near, 
Was always ready with his arm, 
To screen her from every harm ; 

h u 



250 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

'Tis true it always did betide, 
Miss Mac. had place on t'other side- 
But when the path was narrow, bad, 
Go on, said he, you better had, 
While I my mother do attend, 
Fearful she'll make a slip or bend- 
But you who are so light and airy, 
Can trip away like any fairy ; 
And you shall be my guiding star, 
That I will follow near and far — 
Nor did she call him unpolite, 
Or fancied he was rude, did slight, 
But thought his conduct was quite right : 
Something whispered in her heart, 
How noble to take a parent's part — 
And if rightly I can see, 
Kind son will tender husband be, 
But that's no consequence to me. 

His mother now surpris'd did find, 
That he for home was notinclin'd— 
That he a hasty meal would snatch, 
Then immediately take his hat- 
Said Mrs. So was very ill, 
And he must call on Doctor Pill ; 
Nor to the parties would he go, 
Said he must visit so and so. 
Elizabeth she thought it strange, 
Bother dignity she did maintain, 
Nor condescended to complain, 
Yet still by some enchantment made, 
A different aspect things display'd ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 251 

The town she thought once neat and pretty, 
Now was deem'd close and very dirty ; 
People who once seem'd kind and clever, 
Were now deem'd odd folks altogether : 
Did she, poor girl, but search she'd find, 
The change was only in her mind- 
Was glad when a btter did appear, 
To say father and mother they were near ; 
Soon these dear friends she did embrace, 
With pleasure sparkling in her face, 
And they with equal transport view'd, 
Their darling girl both well and good ; 
While in her animated face, 
Some unknown beauty they did trace— 
And with a parent's raptured eye, 
Her native loveliness did spy, 
More powerful by the glowing charm, 
Parential affection did it warm— 
For all the influence can trace, 
Of our feelings in our face ; 
And beauty's self more lovely seen 
When goodness of heart does shine within ; 
And we always have been taught, 
An ugly face with kindness fraught, 
Dress'd in smiles of calm delight, 
Is more enchanting to the sight, 
Than scornful beauty's froward air, 
Tho' deck'd with every charm most rare, 

The meeting of the elder folks, 
Was one of nature's master strokes ; 
2 H H 



252 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Strong friendship, unshouk for many a year, 

With greatest regard did now appear ; 

For they were of that happy few, 

Whose friendship strengthened as they grew ; 

For in general it is seen, 

Envy or interest intervene, 

And separate the tender tie, 

Of early affection cruelly ; 

And wider and wider they do sever, 

As if they had been never, never ; 

For warm feelings cold will turn, 

When they meet neglect or scorn ; 

And when he join'd the happy groupe, 

Even William ceased to be mute ; 

Firm prudence did his bosom rule, 

To Elizabeth was politely cool. 

ft hap'd while they did tarry here, 
That William's birth-day did appear ; 
Mrs. Bounty thought a dance she'd gi\e, 
And all her friends around receive ; 
When the expected day did come, 
A pleasant eve had every one, 
Excepting her own worthy son ; 
Who felt oblig'd to act a part, 
Truly foreign to his heart — 
And Elizabeth, I must say too, 
Heavily dragg'd the evening through ; 
The only heart she wish'd to charm, 
In threefold steel seem'd to be arm'd; 
And if a timid glance she sent, 
It was returned by one repellent; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 253 

Nor did he ask if once that she 
His partner in the dance would be ; 
Though she with elegance and grace, 
The mazy figure light did trace, 
And when the circling round they went, 
Not to touch her hand was fully bent ; 
Rous'd by usuage so unkind, 
She was resolved not to mind, 
I3ut laugh'dand chattered away, 
And of the gayest seem'd most gay. 

So quickly now the time did fly, 

That these good friends must say good bye ; 

Mrs. Bounty press'd their longer stay. 

Indeed we wish we could obey — 

But the deardarls. we left at home, 

Anxiously look for our return, 

And we trust to town you'll come, 

Likewise that you will bring your son ; 

'Gainst this did Mrs. Bounty plead, \ 

Two hundred miles, 1 can't indeed, > 

Without you were in greatest need — 3 

Then the way would short appear, 

If service I could do my dear ; 

But I for London have no taste, 

My son your offer will embrace : 

The son he thoughtful shook his head, 

Very much oblig'd he said, 

Though he could scarce repress a sigh, 

Elizabeth coolly bade good bye ; 

While she her feelings strove to hide, 

Answer' d him with distant pride, 



254 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Conscious that he would find too late, 
That undeserv'd he did hate ; 
Happy and safe they did return, 
To their belov'd quiet home ; , 
Bless" d with a most luxurious treat, 
For happy, happy faces meet, 
Delighted, all express their joys, 
Her sisters kiss'd and embraced the boys, 
And to all she gave some little toys : 
Now this, now that, Elizabeth do tell, 
'Bout young Bounty, oh ! he's very well ; 
And soon by occupation strove, 
To forget she ever thought of love. 

Now several months had pass'd away, 
When it did happen on a day, 
Mrs. Kindly at Bounty's house did meet, 
Mr. Fidget who did kindly greet ; 
When after the common salutation, 
And a little chat about the nation, 
When every thing in order done, 
Mrs. Kindly ask'd about her son. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
I'm sorry to say, my son's not right, 
Gets thin, has lost his appetite ; 
At business much does fag away, 
Scarcely takes rest night or day. 

Mas. Kindly. 
I thought as things did once appear, 
That of a wedding; we should hear. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 255 

Mrs. Bounty. 
i thought so top. I must confess, 
But every thing is for the best, 

Fidget. 
Perhaps the Colonel don't approve, 
In higher circle she must move ; 
But I think for early friendship's sake, 
Such an excuse he cannot make ; 
Your son so just and steady too, 
Would make a husband kind and true : 
His business too it doth appear, 
Brings him something neat and clear ; 
And when a man can keep a wife, 
It adds to the pleasure of his life, 
Makes him quiet keep at home, 
Prevents the idle wish to roam ; 
And what my father used to say, 
I did repeat in my young day, 
But I you know too long did stay ; 
" Never marry till you can keep a wife,"" 
It brings misery on your life ; 
But when by industry and care, 
The chance of eomfort is seen there ; 
Then let a man a consort take, 
And double joys he will partake, 
But prudent still his choice should be, 
For she must help as well as he ; 
Miss Macdonald 1 thought such a one, 
And that she would just suit your son 

Mrs. Bounty. 
General we call him, by your leave, 
So says the last letter I receive ; 



256 TFIE RICH OLD BACHELOR* 

I3ut he is no ambitious man, 

Happiness Is his wise plan, 

And if the young one's could agree, 

Few objections there would be, 

On either side, no fortune great, 

They'd have sufficient for their state, 

His practice increased much of late ; 

Both are humble, prudent too, 

And I trust that they would do ; 

They were much pleased with my son, 

And we the subject talked upon; 

The young ones take a different way, 

To them of course we nought shall shall say : 
We elders don't mean to interfere, 

To them the road is very clear; 
But 'tis written in the Book of Fate, 
The path of true love can't run strait ; 
My love for her mother and her sire, 
Make it match I much desire, 
Pleased if my son get such a bride, 
But trust that Providence doth guide ; 
For I through life this truth attest, 
That every thing is for the best. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
Tell me, I beg, the plan you find, 
So well to regulate your mind ; 
Such disappointment would \ know 
Make some with sorrow overflow, 
But this is a sad world of woe. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
I know that flattery you despise, 
And that you see with partial eyes ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 257 

I certainly have found a way, 

In a practice I make everyday : -\ 

Some serious book before me lay ; £ 

And out of it do take a part, J 

That I do study in my heart ; 

This serves strong passion to allay, 

And doth last me through the day ; 

But no one book I fix upon, 

I like so well as Blair's sermon ; 

Such moral duties there are found, 

Arguments so just and sound ; 

That I the precepts often use, 

Which do serenity diffuse. 

The noble wife of George the Third, 

These writings very much preferr'd— 

And this should be recorded down, 

An action worthy of a crown, 

That from her private purse did she, 

Allow a settled annuity ; 

Proof of her piety and sense, 

Merit like his to recompense : 

Such conduct in high station seen, p 

So proper an example I do ween, £ 

Proves she was worthy to be Queen ; ^ 

For did it to the great ^appear, 

How dangerous is their atmosphere ; 

How powerful is the contagion, 

Example of those in higher station, 

They then would feel a duty right, 

The pattern should be good and bright 



258 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Insurprise all started, they did hear, 
A mumbling noise that met the ear — 
And looking round at window saw, 
Rough looking man and ragged boy ; 
For heaven, worthy ladies, sake, 
Some pity on a poor man take. 

Mrs. Bounty turn'd her hand around, 
And in a draw some pence she found— 
With greatest kindness she did give, 
Most grateful the poor man did receive. 

Fidget. 
Mrs. Bounty, really I must say, 
Such vagrants you should turn away ; 
A parish all such folks have got, 
And we pay poor rates and what not. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
'Tis very true, it may be so, 
They fellow creatures are I know : 
And when I see them shivering stand, 
While many comforts I command, 
T really cannot hold my hand. 
It matters not who heaves the sigh, 
My duty is humanity ; 
I am a wheel within a wheel, 
To sooth their woes their griefs to heal, 
This maxim a good man used to say, 
And I do adopt every day; 
A maxim I think none can deny, 
Poor man's blessing is worth a penny ; 
It doth appear unto my mind, 
The heart benevolent and kind 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 259 

Most grateful incense is to heaven, 
For the blessings it has given ; 
Sure cheerfulness and gratitude, 
Are the oblations of the good ; 
You say this world's a world of woe, 
'Tis our own follies make it so — 
Envy, passion, temper, strife, 
Embitter the pleasures of our life ; 
111 humoured pride, and peevish discontent, 
A re our own evils and do much torment, 
While health, content and cheerfulness, 
Is what I call true happiness ; 
He who ordains— is God, the just and wise, 
Only in him Omnipotence it lies, 
Unchangeably the great and good — 
Immutable his laws have ever stood— 
While he who murmurs and repines is man, 
Fragile and weak, and short his little span ; 
To day he nourishes in empty pride, 
To morrow the cold earth his form doth hide- 
Forgotten — lost his merit or his pain, 
And few perhaps, do wish him back again ; 
The wise, they will improve their little day, ~ 

And virtue snatch before they do decay, C 

To fit them for an everlasting day ; 3 

And if we search creation round, 
What wond'rous goodness doth abound— 
What charming prospects please the eye, 
With all its rich variety ; 
And each captious taste to suit, 
Meat, fish and fowl, delicious fruit— 
2 1 1 



260 THE 11ICH OLD BACHELOR. 

What various produce for our use, 
Happiness and pleasure to diffuse-— > 
We make them ills by the abuse ; 
Every thing around doth tell, 
That our creator loves us well ; 
And oft with pleasure and amaze, 
On clouds stupendous do I gaze, 
Some majestic seem to sail, 
Others with light transparent veil ; 
And when the sun does glimmer through, 
Enchanting, sweet their various hue, 
They please the eye and strike the soul, 
While in grandeur sublime they roll, 
And o'er the pale orb of night, 
How fantastic and how light, 
They float in radience less bright ; 
While on creation's work I gaze, 
Am lost in wonder, love and praise. 

Fidget humbly bow'd his head, 
Clever woman inward said, 
And a hint I'll get from thee, 
That may of service be to me. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
Your sentiments I much admire, 
Do oblige, grant one desire, 
Every generous act you note, 
Shew us the lines you lately wrote, 
On Mr. H. who kindly did, 
Rescue a bird from a lina'd twig ; 
Hither to you he did it bring, 
And you the trembler soon gave wing ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 261 

Miss Macdonald did the tale relate, 
But the lines said she could not state ; 
Now do repeat to us the same, 
I love to hear of things humane. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
You must be aware that J, -\ 

To you such trifle can't deny, > 

That I'm too old to feel shy ; 3 

But with truth I must declare, 
The lines will not inspection bear : 
But as no proof of wisdom lays, 
Either in praise or dispraise, 
Judge for yourself and read it here, 
No critic's eye I know is near, 
.And by your partiality blind, 
The imperfections will not find. 
LINES. 
Humanity is a debt the happy owe. 
To those whom misery's sharp sorrows know ; 
Pleasure delightful, the wretcb'd to assist, 
Drive grief away and clear misfortune's mist ; 
Let Greece of her fam'd Alexander sing, 
And Caesar's praise through heaven's high arch ring- 
Famous their victories- — laurels were their crowns, 
For kingdoms conquer'd and for ravag'd towns ; 
But their reward the tender orphans cry, 
The parent's tear the wretched widow's sigh ; 

Thy triumph, generous H far nobler be, 

Insetting one poor, trembling captive free; 
For smiling Pity, soft celestial maid, 
Applauds the deed, the Muses lend their aid, 



262 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

In this my humble verse thy praise to sing,. 
The fluttering warbler now again on wing, 
Through the wide regions of created air, 
Shall thy kind act and gentle soul declare ; 
To heaven's high chancery its notes shall rise. 
And grateful carols echo through the skies. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
Thank you, I'm sure this must be said, 
They credit do to heart and head; 
But what doth Mr. Fidget say, 
Kind heart do they not pourtray. 

Fidget. 
Madam, I dare not answer nay, 
For should I say they are bad done, 
At present here is two to one, 
So think I'd better hold my tongue ; 
But I believe 'tis often found, 
That women in feeling do abound ; 
A fibre in the heart they have, 
Which men in general do crave ; 
But I have heard that in the brain, 
Men the advantage there obtain. 

Mrs. Kindly. 
You better had continued mute, 
But I with you will not dispute ; 
Indeed, you have almost knock'd me down, 
For satire's smile 's severer than her frown. 

Things n)ov*d on in usual round, 
Much diversion was not.fouod ; 
William was certain more at home, 
That his mother might not be alone ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 263 

The greatest amusement he did take, 
Was to view the things some one did make ; 
His mother she would often say, 
Do William put those screens away— 
Pray do not pull those racks about, 
You dirty, soil, and wear them out ; 
He then would smiling let them stand, 
But a moment after reach his hand, 
And then again with them would play, 
Now really William, she would say, 
You force me to put those things away. 

One certain day a letter came, 

Signed Mrs. Macdonald's name : 

In it many things were found, 
When this subject did come round ; 
My dear Elizabeth, tho' not ill, 
Is very far from being well, 
Her spirits do fluctuate so, 
Sometimes so high, sometimes low ; 
Begs her remembrance and what not, 
To those who have her not forgot : 
My son will soon pass by your way, 
And hopes to spend a night or day ; 
Your early kindness to him shown, 
His heart with gratitude doth own ; 
Scarce in the well grown man you'll trace, 
The baby who shar d your lov'd embrace; 
So swift doth flow life's gliding stream, 
That scenes now past seem but a dream. 

W 7 illiam these words did repeat o"er, 
Times I may say, half a score — 



264 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR* 

" My dear Elizabeth tho' not ill 1 ' 

" Is very far from being well. 

Sweet, drooping girl, he mournful said, 

Could 1 but lend my little aid- — 

But oh ! I feel it cannot be, 

No service will she take from me ; 

To business sorrowful did go, 

He felt oppress'd with care and woe, 

But still endeavour not to show. 

While his mother hasted to prepare, 
The room that she did call her spare ; 
When close wedg'd in behind a draw. 
Some crumpled writing paper saw ; 
It seem'd as if there pettish thrown, 
Some impropriety to atone ; 
Torn and twisted all around, 
But some writing on it found ; 
A sort of verse too, caught her eye, 
Said she, I'll lay this paper by ; 
That William he may puzzle out, 
What all this writing is about ; 
When after dinner did surprise, 
Told him his skill to exercise ; 
After much patch and patience too, 
The following verses brought to view: — 

Oh, warble ye songsters that dwell in the grove, 
Warble sweetly and tuneful your lays ; 
Exalt your wild notes through the wide vaulted skies, 
Till echo, till echo, till echo replies — 

'Tis the birth -day of him that I love. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 265 

Chorus. 
Bring the tabor, bring the pipe, 

We'll tune each dulcet string to joy-; 
The festive dance, the board invite ; 
Let pleasure gay each heart delight, 
On the birthday of him that I love. 
Though the bright rays of spring scarce have tinged 

the plain, 
And the herbage unseen o'er the mead, 
Yet to Flora I'll haste to procure me some flowers, 
Which in garlands I'll twine and proclaim through my 
bowers, 

'Tis the birth 

Chorus. 
My lot it is humble and wealth is not mine, 

Or unseen should this day be a tear, 
Benevolence could wipe had fortune been kind, 
To proclaim through the world on the wings of the 
wind, 
'Tis the birth day, &c: 

Chorus. 
How glad should each heart feel on this happy day ; 

Had I power, and that could relieve ; 
The cup of pale want I'd dash from each lip, 
All pleasure should hail, all happiness sip, 
On the &c. &c. 

Chorus. 
Likewise they on the other side, 
All flourished about as if to hide, 
Some other lines too did espy, 
Which they endeavour" d to descry ; 

K K 



266 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Curiosity and strong desire, 
Still urg'd their import to inquire ; 
Determination much will do, 
And these lines they pick'd out to. 

The manly graces that in William dwell, 
My pen shall trace and my kind muse shall tell, 
His modest worth, his unaffected mind. 
His happy temper and a soul refin'd. 

When the soft tale of woe arrests hi? ear, 
And sympathy demands the fallen tear; 
Say then doth William pass the object by, 
Refuse the boon nor even lend a sigh. 

Ah ! no, his soul with soft compassion bends, 
He sooths the poor, the helpless are his friends ; 
Yet still his heart doth own the cheerful glee, 
And loves the converse of the gay and free. 

Elegantly neat his dress, his mind doth show, 
Unlike the sloven and unlike the toeau ; 
These are his merits, his faults I will not scan, 
But without faults he would be more than man. 

Mother he said and can it be, 
And were these verses made on me % 
Mrs. Bounty. 
There was a time I could think so, 
But you such changeful heart did show, 

Oh ! no, no, mother, 'twas not so. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 267 

He then candid told the whole, 
Described the struggle of his soul. 

With tenderness her heart did flow, } 

Keen feelings you have borne I know, £ 

But now to London do you go ; * 

Hasten before it is too late, -v 

There all your thoughts communicate, > 

But oh ! how changed was his state. 3 , 

Care and business nought did mind, 
But seem'd a dancing on the wind ; 
And when Macdonald did come down, 
With him he did return to town — 
There most cordially was he greeted, 
And with great attention treated. 
Elizabeth at first was high, -\ 

And scarcely deignM to cast an eye, > 

Yet still behaved civilly : J 

But how or when what he did state, ^ 

No doubt they were arguments of weight, > 

For she descended from her state ; .3 . 

And long before they did part, 
Pleasure was nVd in either heart ; 
For happy prospects did appear, 
Which were crown'd the following year; 
And then this young and lovely pair, 
The name of Bounty both did bear. 

When visits had been receiv'd and paid, 
And things had got a little staid ; 
2 K K 



268 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Mr. Fidget walked from the Hall 
And on Mrs. Bounty he did call : 
This match said he, so pleases me, 
That if to it you do agree, 
1 will present to them the fee, 
That to your husband I did owe, 
For the kindness that he once did show ; 
Oh, no, said Mrs. Bounty, no. 

Fidget. 
Then my orders I will leave, 
And you the money shall receive. 

No, no, said Mrs. Bounty, no, 
You know that I do not mean so. 

Fidget. 
Your no's are always very pat, 
But I'll not hear them, that is flat ; 
If you my character do know, 
Justice you'll own I always show ; 
I hope at least it will appear, 
To do what's right I always steer ; 
Nor am I conscious that I 
Ever shilling got improperly, 
But to stick up for my right, 
I ever did with all my might ; 
I know I often am severe, 
And in many things are near. 
Now my opinion you shall hear— 
'Tis my intention with your leave, 
For I'm too rich I do conceive, 



i 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 269 

To be in debt to any one, ^ 

Or by kindness be outdone, > 

Justice is due to every one ; / 

Your husband's just demand on me, "\ 

To your son can presented be, > 

Then I from debt shall be quite free. J 



Mrs. Bounty her grateful thanks did say, 

And Fidget well pleased went away. 

Had his offer come just at this time, 

To listen she might be inclined, 

For women we know can change their mind; 

But Fidget was firm as man should be, 

And from his word did never flee ; 

And when No ! had pass'd his lip, 

No power on earth could alter it ; 

He had said my suit Til not renew, 

And determined this plan he did pursue. 

On the next day he went to town, 
With an order for a thousand pound ; 
After the addresses of the day, 
To Mr. Bounty thus did say : 
With sickness once reduced low, 
To your father's skill 1 much do owe, 
Accidental he did appear, 
Of recompence would never hear ; 
When I ever urged the same, 
I always found that it was vain, 
He said he would not make a claim ; 
And though I bore it in my mind. 
Yet I a plan could never find ; 



270 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

My debt can now discharged be, 
For I present to you his fee, 
But mind I will not thanked be ; 
In careful hands it has been found, 
There is both interest and compound ; 
For as we do in scripture read, 
Good actions ever will succeed ; 
There by a sacred writer told, 
Once he was young but now grown old, 
Yet through life never did he see, 
The righteous forsaken be, 
Or their seed come to poverty ; 
The bread upon the waters cast, 
A proper owner finds at last : 
The kindness by thy father done, 
Is now returned to his son. 

Bounty grateful squeez'd his hand, 
While close beside his wife did stand, 
And on the fringM curtain of her eye, 
A trembling crystal drop did lie. 

Bounty. 
Let us our grateful thanks express, 
And you as our kind friend address- 
Ever may we till life doth end, 
Deserve to have so good a friend. 

Fidget. 
I make no doubt it will be so, 
For prudence and good sense you show ; 
If you would think me not too free, 
I should like to take a liberty. 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 271 

Bounty. 
Dear Sir, go on, 1 beg of you, 
Attention to you is justly due. 

Fidget. 
To prove how much I am your friend, 
I will, for I think you'll attend — 
My advice freely Til bestow, 
From it I trust comfort will flow ; 
Recollect now as man and wife, 
You're on the grand theatre of life ; 
You've chang'd your station and 3 r our case, 
Must study to fill well your place— 
The boy and girl must not appear, 
But grave, sedate, though not severe ; 
For now you're husband, master, friend, 
Many on you will now depend ; 
An important change most true you've made, 
And prudence and thought must lend their aid, 
To enable you to act your part, 
With virtue, honor, truth at heart ; 
Your minds are open as the day, 
May easily be led astray — 
Example very much will do, 
And is the cause that many rue, 
Will prove if wisdom you have any, 
One fool is oft the cause of many ; 
Jt requires strong mind in young folk, 
To bear each idle jeer and joke ; 
Each their advice do like to show, 
You must have so and so you know ; 



272 THE RICHT OLD BACHELOR. 

While the young and thoughtless mind, 

To its own interest ever blind, 

Goes the way that blows the wind ; 

Led on by foolish, dangerous pride, 

Each admonition doth deride, 

.And scorns that prudence it should guide; 

But you from clever parents spring, 

To you I look for better thing, 

As I to you just now did say, 

Will listen if prudence points the way ; 

Do not begin where you should end, 

To misery it sure will tend ; 

Sorry indeed I am to say, 

It is the folly of the day, 

Led on by vanity and taste, 

To spend and dash they quickly haste ; 

A charming house all neat and trim, 

Expense displayed both out and in, 

The furniture of newest ton, 

Which from London does come down ; 

Expensive dress too and gew gaws, 

Rooms all littered with toys ; 

Then such a fuss, so great the cry, 

If any thing is put awry ; 

Should some unlucky, awkward hand, 

Knock down a table or a stand, 

Better the clumsy lout had been, 

In dungeon dark so I'd not seen— 

For him to break that lovely pot, 

And those sweet cups and what not ; 

Such grief and agony display'd, 

Such bustle and confusion made ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 273 

And all this noise and all this woe, 

Caused by idle, empty, show, 

And the expense does not stop here, 

Plenty of servants must appear, 

To keep all these things neat and clean, 

For they are bought but to be seen — 

For of what use would fine things be, 

If no one such fine things see ; 

This pride of appearance I've heard say, 

Only causes envy and dismay, 

It adds no merit or esteem. 

The wise they do it foolish deem, 

Can't cure the head ache or the tooth, 

But misery doth oft produce ; 

All very well if it is clear, 

Sufficient income do appear ; 

*' Vessels large, may venture more, 

" But little boats should keep near shore ;*/ 

But 'tis the folly of the nation, 

To copy those in higher station, 

Then like the silly frog they burst, 

Who tried to gain the ox's bust : 

People in business or profession, 

Who on the public do depend on, 

Should take a very different ceurse— > 

What use a saddle without horse ; 

Nor the saddle should they stride, 

Without they have a right to ride ; 

Can it be ever deemed meet, 

To ride if they can't keep their seat, 

L L 



274 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Begin with laying out their store, 

With only the hope to gdt more, 

May as well jump in the sea, 

And hope they will not drowned be ; 

I'll use the term that I've heard said, 

Get the fore horse by the head ; 

Then if you like to spend or play, 

No one has right to say you nay, 

Now allow me thus to say, 

This unexpected thousand pound, 

Though justly your's you've lately found, 

Lay it by, it will not rust, 

But increase it surely must— 

And every year a little more, 

May be added to the store ; 

If unexpected care should press, 

Here is aid in your distress, 

An egg you thus find in the nest ; 

Now you're young and prosperous are, 

And hardly give a thought of care, 

Been protected by your parent's care'; 

But the time may soon draw near, 

When a little family will appear— 

And though they are the greatest blessing, 

Expences then must be increasing; 

I do not doubt the power of heaven, 

To provide for what it thus has gi\en ; 

But man with prudence is endowed, 

To avert the impending cloud ; 

Without thought in useless dress or show, 

What's given you lavishly bestow, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 275 

Or in luxurious habits waste, 

Your property to please your taste ; 

When deserved misfortune doth appear, 

Hope not that second store is near, 

For you will ever find this true, 

Can't eat your cake and have it too ; 

What my father said I will repeat, v 

If you your station wish to keep, £ 

Your breakfast earn before you eat ; J 

Thought, foresight^ industry and care, 

Will keep great evils from your share, 

Still troubles in life will attend, 

Oft loss of health or loss of friend ; 

Though at present all is clear, 

A rival may some day appear — 

Another surgeon may come down, 

And likewise settle in this town ; 

Though your merit may be great, 

Many will not hesitate, 

Pleased the new comer to view, 

So fond all are of something new. 

Many by pique or envy mov'd, 

Have no real wish to do you good ; 

In life you'll find what I say just, 

But I do not wish to place mistrust- 
Suspicion in old age is sad, 

But in youth 'tis very bad ; 

Caution I only wish to give, 

Which will serve you while you live, 

Will make you prudently advance, 

Prevent improper confidence ; 
2 L L 



276 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Your interest properly consider, 
Be to none in obligation under ; 
Mind a remark that I've oft made, 
Favors can never be repaid ; 
Be to yourself your greatest friend, 
Let steady conduct gain your end ; 
Not run and stop and then on run, 
But quiet and even pace along ; 
Nor grieve if others dash before ye, 
Remember far fam'd Cresus's story— 
Likewise I would have you think, 
Of Dionysius at Corinth, 
Once a King of mighty fame, 
Schoolmaster there became ; 
In pocket carry your best friend, 
Others on you will then attend, 
Favors and offers without end ; 
For money is the magic wand, 
That does in life all things command. 
But this never can be done, 
If in debt you ever run— 
Your creditor will be your master, 
And«with contempt will treat you after ; 
If you should shuffle and not pay, 
Punctual on the appointed day : 
For quickly pay day doth appear, 
Much quicker than you were aware; 
How mean that character must be, 
To use another's property ; 
Was milliner to stop a lady gay, 
And thus insulting to her say, 
Why wear my bonnet out to day ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 277 

Instead of humbly sliding by, *v 

With half respectful courtesy, > 

And at the bonnet look so sly ; J 

Far better conduct you must show, "\ 

Whenever you want so or so, > 

With the money mind you always go ; * 

In this the grand secret lies, 

Every thing it doth comprise ; 

For probity and honor will attend, 

To comfort and happiness it doth tend ; 

Tho' trifling to you it may appear, 

'Tis the only way to keep you clear ; 

For ready money quick will go, 

And you forget what you do owe, ' 

For expence you may depend upon, 

Every day will certain come ; 

But your gains uncertain are, 

Therefore you should spend with care ; 

Pause and well consider first, ^ 

If such a thing is right and just, C 

Have so and so you really must, } 

If to your comfort absolute, 

Or whim or farcy doth it suit ; 

Let not your necessaries pine, 

That outwardly you may shine, 

You'll find that as through life you go, 

Comfort is better far than show, 

That fewest things give greatest ease, 

"Voracious vanity can't be appeas'd ; 

Costly viands must not deck your board, 

If such you really can't afford : 



278 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

But in frugal comfort live I say, 
Enjoy to-morrow as you do to-day; 
If prudence bless enjoyment's cup, 
You may with pleasure sip it up ; 
Prudence and neat frugality, 
With most excellent industry, 
Must be joined with humility ; 
Devoutly bow at heaven's shrine, 
And trust the aid of help divine, 
That on your labours it will shine, 
To do the right ever must conceive. 
With patience the event then leave ; 
Such maxims my father gave tome, - 
And their produce now you see ; 
That I a pleasant race have run- 
That I've the respect of every one, 
And trust I serve both old and young; 
This I think I'm bound to do, 
(By precept and example too,) 
And justly great property do own, 
By the prudent conduct I have shown ; 
One thing more I have in mind. 
Your dispositions both are kind, 
And to charity you are inclih'd : 
In you the milk of kindness flows, 
You rejoice to heal another's woes- 
Such feelings to applaud I must, 
But before you're generous be just; 
Don't indiscriminate' your gifts throw, 
To every idle tale of woe : 
Each object with your own eye see, 
Before you give in charity ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 279 

For impositions will abound, 
And should be checkM when they are found ; 
For the generous heart to feeling prone, x 

By ingratitude is turn'd to stone, y 

The want of caution to atone. ) 

Your sabbath duties strictly pay s 
Let no pretence keep you away ; 
Ypur example very much will do, 
And may keep others just and true; 
Reared in piety and care, 
May you be what your parents are- 
May their precepts you befriend, ^ 
May happiness your steps attend, J» 
Is the true wish of me^ your friend. 3 

Here Fidget paus"d, while Bounty's breast, 

With various feelings was oppress'd ; 

His wife with sweet, good humour'd smile, ^ 

Listened to him all the while, s£ 

And thus she spoke in her own style. \ 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Do Mr. Fidget, do proceed, 
I like to hear you talk indeed— 
Some advice do give to me, 
For I know $ careless am and free. 

Fidget was pleas'd with this strain, 
Or when did beauty plead in vain— 
At least, vthen it is very clear, 
Our own wishes interfere : 
Fidget well knew the power he had, 
To discourse upon the good and bad — 



280 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Was pleased when the young and gay, 
Would listen to an old man's say ; 
Though too wise to feel vain, 
He cheerful did renew the strain. 

Fidget. 
To hear a lady young and fair, 
Thus thank rue for my little care', 
Proves she has a gentle mind, 
That for instruction is inclin'd— 
Proves when beauty doth depart— 
Charms will still enrich your heart, 
Charms, we all can see most clear, 
Makes you deservedly more dear ', 
Doubly thus your lord have bound, 
And love will last while time goes round ; 
'Tis mind must make the bondage sweet, 
And virtue the triumph will complete, 
Then friendship's soft endearing charm, 
Will not decay when love's less warm ; 
For marriage is a special treat, 
When kindred souls together meet, 
Makes mutual obligation sweet ; 
Each, temper should study and endear, 
Closer and closer every year ; 
For hand m hand you both must go, 
Through every scene of joy and woe ; 
Each then should study to oblige, 
Not expect too much on either side : 
But in women I must say, 
Much of happiness doth lay, 
They in general lead the way ; 



THE 11ICH OLD BACHELOR. 281 

Though woman never could rule me, 
Much of their influence I see- 
Many things I could relate, 
That proves the truth of what I state- 
Without she meet a brute or fool, 
They indeed no one can rule— « 
By gentle attention much is done, 
By kindness many a heart is won ; 
When he quite tired does appear, -v 

Be quick and get his easy chair, C. 

Say I am glad to see you there ; J 

Then with a smile of pleasure greet, 
And with some little dainty treat, 
Set by entirely for him, 
Such conduct every heart must win; 
If stories he should tell twice o'er, 
Don't tell him he's a horrid bore; 
But let him N repeat the strain, 
With pleasure listen o'er again, 
And if you have a playful wit, 
Be very spare of using it ; 
But you must study wind and tide, 
Circumstances must you guide ; 
Salt in itself is savory, 
Too much will unpleasant be ; 

Many a husband driven away, ^ 

'Cause attention none to him do pay, C 

They like to talk and have their say ; J 

And flattery they most can stand, * 

With any lady in the land, V 

But must be done with skilful hand ; * 

M M 



282 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

And when you find him all your own, 
Let no one grace be let alone, 
Nor by careless conduct show, 
His love may either stay or go ; 
With soft, attentive kindness bind, 
Let gentle merit him entwine ; 
His regard never dare abuse, 
Or ungenerous his goodness use; 
Affection's a flower fragile, fair, 
Dies, without the greatest care, 
Neglect will quickly make it flee, 
By kindness it must nourished be ; 
But this will never be your plan, 
If rightly your character 1 scan ; 
Mind, let his interest appear, 
In all you see and all you hear— 
For if you due attention give, 
Many hints from you he may receive, 
Respecting his business or his plans, 
For you have head as well as hands ; 
Thus hy acting the wise part, 
Endear you closer to his heart : 
Study his comfort and his ease, 
Think how pleasing 'tis to please ; 
His happiness reflected well, 
Will make with joy your bosom swell- 
Yes, strive to make a cheerful home, 
Then he will never wish to roam ; 
So uncontrouled is the mind, 
That fetters never long can bind, 
But you must gently lead the way, 
And seern as if you did obey ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 28B 

For men tenacious mortals are, 
And love attention too and care ; 
Don't think because I live alone, 
To observation I'm not prone, 
Though perhaps not very wise, 
I never shut up both my eyes, 
But prudent oft I deem it be, 
Not to appear that I do see— 

Nor have I the power of eloquence, \ 

My only gift is common sense, > 

A nd the greatest good that doth dispense ; s J 

If you are still inclin'd to hear, 
Another remark I will make here, 
Tn every station it is found, 
Peculiar duties do abound ; 
Women should great attention give, 
In moral virtues ever live — 
Her proper sphere, domestic life, 
As Mother, Mistress, Friend and Wife, 
With industry her part fulfil, 
And her station useful fill, 
By her exertions keep her place, 
In the great machine with proper grace ; 
For she's a wheel, the very soul, 
That by her influence moves the whole, 
And internal economy, 
Ever must her province be > 
In her own immediate sphere, 
Should ever act with greatest care ; 
Not gad about or wish to roam, 
But find her happiness at home— 
2MM 



284 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

There with unaffected ease, 

Graceful strive each one to please, 

And never on your table place, 

That which your husband has distaste ; 

But set before the savoury meat, 

That does best his palate treat— 

For trifles the sum of pleasure make, 

Which all can add unto or take : 

But in his mother you will find, 

An adviser ever just and kind, 

I'm sure her precepts you will mind ? 

Folly forme longer to dwell, 

On subjects she can teach so well. 

Thank you, Sir, they grateful said, 
We'll treasure in our heart and head ; 
And by our conduct prove to you, 
The gratitude that is your due. 

A lady in the town did give a ball. 
And cards in order were sent out to all ; 
Fidget 'mongstthe rest receiv'd one, 
Though, said he, my dancing days are done, 
And if I really tell the simple truth, 
I never learned to dance in my youth ; 
Yet as the Bounty's will be there I know, 
I think that I unto this ball will go ; 
He went, dress'd out in his best attire, 
He look'd about and most things did admire; 
Tea handed round, the dancing it began, 
He sat next to a pleasant looking man : 
Couples stood up, I think 'twas three or two, 
Pray Sir, said he, what are they going to do ? 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 285 

Waltz, Sir, the gentleman replied — 

What's that, Sir, Fidget eager cried ; 

If \ou will look, Sir, present you will view, > 

Ah, ah, said Fidget, this will never do, s~ 

Such dancing in an English woman too; J 

Renown'd for modesty throughout the world, 

To be hugg'd and squeez'dj and round and round 

be twirl'd ; 
Had I a daughter and they served her so, 
Pretty soon my lady home should go ; 
You say that lady's married — on my life, 
'Tis well for her that she is not my wife — 
I'd keep her safe at home, that's all, 
I'd have no more what do ye call it at a ball ; 
Dare say, Sir, the history you can tell, 
What a noble Roman said so well, 
Did not like his wife in dancing to excel ; 
Excuse me Sir, but I'm an old man, 
And modern manners I must freely scan ; 
1 like the plain, old English country dance, 
Where every one doth stand an equal chance ; 
The old and ugly join the young and gay, 
And pleasantly the evening trip away ; 
W 7 here beauty's self is smiling, kind and free, i 

And all enjoy an equal share of glee, > 

That's the dancing Sir, that pleases me ; J 

Fidget now the Bounty set did join, 
And as his custom, home he went in time: 
For folks said he, should of themselves take care, 
Hot, sweltering rooms and then the midnight air ; 
And children too I every where do meet, [heat ; 

Cramni'd with sweet things and wine that doth them 



286 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Late hours, hot rooms their constitutions try^ 
At home in bed they should be quietly ; 
Chits of fifteen figuring away^ 
Before the rose's bloom they do decay, 
All this he m utter' d as he went away. 

Time is like a parting friend, 
Whose footsteps your short way attend ; 
And while you linger out adieu, 
He is vanished from your view ; 
Thus time flew on with rapid wing, 
And a little family did bring, 
To Mr. and to Mrs. Bounty, 
Who were beloved in the county ; 
The eldest boy now five years old, 
By his mother often had been told, 
That Mr. Fidget was so very good, 
And so much he understood, 
He said he'd love him that he wou'd ; 
Once more your pardon I must gain, 
'For digressing from my strain ; 
To prove the mother much can do, 
'Tis she can make both wise and true— 
'Tis she the seeds of life can sow, 
To produce either joy or woe— - 
'Tis she can sooth, 'tis she can warm, 
And she the little mind can form ; 
The simple tales she can relate 
Make his heart glow and emulate, 
And fits him for his future state ; 
But oft too much indulgence proves, 
The bane to what she dearly loyes ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 287 

For firm and mild she should be, 

Not too strict nor yet too free, 

But gently prop the opening flower, 

Exert the skill within her power, 

To crop with ever careful hand, 

When leaves luxuriously expand— 

Make not the tender stalk to bleed, 

Without the greatest cause indeed ; 

Nor then with hush-ups strive to cure, 

The wound inflicted just before ; 

But let the reins so slackened lay, 

Pull just so much that he'll obey ; 

Not slap and dab then kiss and coax, 

Child scarcely knows which he dreads most, 

And wonders what 'tis all about, 

If right or wrong he's thus put out : 

Though thus I speak, 'tis likewise true, 

'Tis easier to talk than 'tis to do ; 

And those who tender parents are, 

Will study the charge they have in care ; 

But while we live we all may learn, 

To my story now I must return ; 

On that same day did happen so, 

That Fidget to their house did go ; 

After many things had pass'd, 

Questions resolved and questions ask'd ; 

The discourse someway turnM on dying, 

The little boy was standing by him, 

And looking up with tearful eye, 

Said, Mr. Fidget don't you die ; 

Ihe power of innocence was quite complete, 

Here was no guile, here no deceit ; 



288 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Here was genuine nature's charm, 

That every feeling heart must warm ; 

And Fidget's heart was toueh"d, 'twas mov'd, 

*Twas the first time in life he prov'd, 

How sweet it is to be belov'd. 

He took his hand, he looked down, 

But to speak no word he found, 

While those- around in mute amaze, 

On tiie scene did quiet gaze ; 

And from that time the little boy, 

Was his darling and his joy ; 

Oft to the Hall he did repair, 

And whole weeks he did stop there, 

A nd Betty was pleased with the chit, 

Who was a general favourite ; 

Now soon 'twas whispered far and near, 

That child will certain be his heir ; 

Hints were given ail did know, 

That it really would be so ; 

But Fidget with his watchful eye, 

How. things were going soon did spy, 

Soon alter this said he, must I ; 

I to exertion must be movYl, 

For I wish him every good ; 

And this I m sure will never do, 

Or my favorite boy will rue; 

Stop it in t ; me must be my care, 

For i hate the pampered heir ; 

Oft a wayward, pettish child, 

By too much indulgence spoil'd — 

With humble attention he is served, 

Such applause when he is heard, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 289 

No wonder his head doth giddy whirl, 
A nd act his part bad in the world ; 
I like to see boys hardy, tough, x 

Firm and bold and rather rough, > 

That's what I call good English stuff; J 

I hate your mincing milk-sop breed, 
Who at a splash of dirt take heed ; 
How will they buffet the rough main, 
Or endure a hard campaign ; 
This boy is sprung from manly race, 
He must proper fill his place- 
He must have energy of mind, 
To noble deeds must be inclin'd— • 
He must have courage, sense and truth. 
Well instilPd in early youth ; 
With modesty must his part fulfil, 
Be humble, innocent and cheerful ; 
All this I trust that he will be, 
Then he shall share my property ; 
If all they think he will possess, «v 

They'll fancy it a recompense, C 

For the want of character and sense ; ) 

No, I must give this thing a turn, 
And the truth they must not learn ; 
Some years ago I made my will, 
The same it shall continue still ; 
Without some wond'rous event, 
Should give my mind another bent ; 
At present it's in statu quo, ^ 

And 1 trust it will be so, v 

But now to the town will I go ; J 

N N 



290 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For on a little plan I've hit, 

To put things right and make all fit ; 

I will do so, I do declare, 

The circumstance will soon take air . 

To the builder will I talk, 

And my fancy will not baulk — • 

Then other folks will likewise see, 

What they may expect from me. 

Mr. A. receiv'd him with a grace, 

Begg'd he would take a seat or place* 

Fidget. 
I thank you Sir, and will set down, 
For I on business here am found ; 
But I'm not urgent, I say plain, 
If you're engaged I'll call again— 
For time I know, is precious stuff, 
And people in trade have scarce enough. 

Mr. A. his approbation pass'd, 
.And Fidget's commands politety ask'd ; 
Told him at that moment he, 
Was from any business free. 
Fidget. 
Some notes I beg that you will take, 
And an estimate will make, 
The expense of building on my land, 
Where close to the road doth stand, 
Three houses, that are so very old, 
They'll tumble down I have been. told ; 
And in their place, on the same ground, 
Fifty alms-house good and sound — ■ 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 291 

Such the dimensions, such the size, 
And many other things likewise'; 
To-morrow at the place we'll meet, 
Of every thing we there can speak; 
If you then should be at leisure, 
We, the land you know, can measure ; 
A just account I beg you'll give, 
And I will think on't while I live ; 
Mind I don't say I mean to do, 
'Tis only a thing I keep in view ; 
The bill too, for your trouble send, 
Which I will pay, you may depend. 

Mr. A bow'd and smil'd and then, 

He look'd and bow'd, and smil'd again. 

While Fidget onward to the shop "* 

Of Bounty, where he made a stop, > 

And his head did in the parlour pop. 3 

But such a scene there met his view, v 

Which I will now relate to you, > 

But justice to it can never do. 3 

Who by the nicest touch of art, 
Can genuine nature e'er impart : 
Say, who can paint the sympathy, *y 

The melting look, the laughing eye, > 

Not unlettered, simple I. J 

My want of powers I oft deplore, 
With that I'll trouble you no more ; 
Kindly the will take for the deed, 
Then my humble labour will succeed; 

2 N N 



292 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Children I think, they now had five, 
The merriest little grigs alive ; 
Grandmamma did superintend, 
Well pleased on their wants did tend ; 
She on her lap close by the fire, 
A lovely infant did admire ; 
Mamma was sitting by her side, 
One boy on papa's stick did ride — 
For papa, who had long been out, 
His patients visiting about, 
Was just return'd, the children they, 
Eagerly ran for him to play ; 
One darling in his arms he took, 
Gave him a father's kiss and look, 
And as he held him in the air, 
The little cherub cried out, " There !" 
The boy with stick, he then did run, 
Now do papa shew me London ; 
The eldest girl with doll in hand, 
Cried look papa, I've made her stand ; 
And Fidget's boy, who had his book, 
With pleasure at papa did look- 
While the smile of sweet delight, 
O'er his wife's beautious face did light ; 
What rapture to a mother's heart, 
To see the father act his part ; 
To feel he loves what she loves well, 
With transport doth her bosom swell ; 
Double her bliss and the warm tide, 
Of fond affections sweetly glide ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 293 

Ah, happy wife and mother I, -\ 

She says or tells it in her eye, > 

Where feeling drops do trembling lie. J 

Such was the scene that Fidget view'd, 

His heart with sympathy was mov'd ; 

This present visit had intent, 

He on his plan was fully bent ; 

Yet he could not at that moment check, 

Feelings so sweet and plant regret ; 

For well he knew that human nature, 

Never was a perfect creature ; 

Though much by sense and reason done. 

Yet wants and wishes they will come ; 

He knew that money all do prize, 

And think all joys in it comprise ; 

Knew partiality he had shown, -\ 

To the eldest boy and he alone, > 

Had stopp'd whole months at his home ; 5 

All these things together fair, 

They might hope he'd be his heir ; 

Such expectations to undo, 

Was now the plan he had in view ; 

But this I cannot do to day, \ 

He said and moved to go away, > 

No Mr. Fidget, do you stay ; J 

Yes, said the younger Mrs. B. -v 

Do Mr. Fidget oblige me, > 

Stay and take with us your tea : 5 

My husband to see you home will go, } 

And it is moonlight, don't you know, > 

Mr. Fidget he could not say no : J 



294 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

The children stood around his knees, 

For he strove them all to please ; 

Cakes and comforts oft he brought, 

And to love him they'd been taught— 

But this he did not always do, 

For the urchins, said he, to nature true, 

Will rejoice when the cakes they see, 

But will not care a doit for me : 

I know I'm old, queer and dry, 

But love never thus will buy; 

Disappointments too, they must bear, 

For in life they'll have a share ; 

But after tea the children gone, 

And all within both snug and warm, 

Fidget's high wrought feeling gone ; 

He thought it better much to say, 

The businessjie had done to day : 

For disagreeables said he, 

The sooner they can swallowed be, 

Will ease the mind and leave a scope, 

For joy to come arid with it hope ; 

How oft by fear and weak delay, 

We drive the bitter task away, 

And so augment our store of pain. 

That double evil by it gain ; 

And though it makes my heart to wry, 

Still from my duty I wont fly ; 

For 'tis a duty I do owe, 

That they may know how things will go ; 

Not let them fancy they've a claim, 

Because the boy my heart did gain, 

And make him insolent and vain; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 295 

Let him live on hope like empty air. 
And then at last embrace despair — 
Leave him in cruel, bitter plight, 
No, no, such conduct can't be right ; 
Justice ever shall me guide, 
Come what will, or what betide. 

Fidget. 
Mr. Bounty I have been to day, 
To A.'s the builder o'er the way — 
Wishing to do what good I can, 
To consult with him about a plan ; 
Though I don't mean to do it now, 
Fifty alms-houses to endow— 
Fifty poor men a sum to give, 
But I shan't do it while I live ; 
For in my will 'tis ordered so, 
Some to an hospital shall go j 
My will was made late in that year, 
When you first came to settle here, 
And since no reason could I find, 
To make me ever change my mind. 

Here Fidget at all did boldly stare, -\ 

Bounty with free and open air, > 

His opinion candid did declare. J 

Mrs. B. the elder looked awry, 

She feit queer, but scarce knew why ; 

But well the time did recollect, \ 

That she refused him with respect, £■ 

From him what then could she expect ? 5 



296 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

For herself she had no wish or fear, 
But hope had whispered in her ear, 
The eldest boy will be his heir ; 
His will was made before he came, 
Her folly now she much did blame, 
Why did such foolish thought intrude, 
Unknowingif 'tis really good ; 
Why should he be pamper'd, bless'd, 
Better off too than the rest ; 
How could my mind be led away, 
In such romantic notions stray ; 
This I'm sure we all must own, 
Most kind he's been to every one, 
And claim on him we can have none ; 
Thus her virtuous, pious mind, 
Was soon calm'd and soon resigned; 

But Elizabeth, whose heart was gay, 
And lovM the fashion of the day— ■ 
Whose youthful mind still pleas'd with toys, 
Though dearly she lov"d her girls and boys : 
Clever and smart in all her ways, 
Justly she deserved great praise; 
'Tis true shelik'd to dance and sing, 
Yet her husband to her was every thing, 
Had suffered her fancy to take wing ; 
Had pictured her boy so young and fair, 
Mr. Fidget's happy, lucky heir : 
Thought the good that he would do, 
To his brothers and his sisters too- 
Thought the portion he'd bestow, 
And make their age with comfort flow : 



I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 297 

All this fabrick fallen, lost, 
Ail in wild confusion toss\l : 
'Twas more than she well could bear, 
As she could not express her care ; 
in silence brooded o'er her woe, 
Was glad when Fidget home did go. 

Then she hasten'd to exclaim, 

Oh, cruel, cruel, don't you blame. 

Blame, said Bounty, my love, who ? 
With Fidget we have nought to do ; 
His kindness he's already shown, 
And expectation we have none. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Then why such kindness did he show, 
To our little boy you know ; 
It was as plain we all did see- 
It was as plain as A B C. 

Bounty. 
No, no, dear girl, I must say, 
Your wishes have led you astray ; 
I never any thing did see, 
That particular was he ; 
And why should you I wish to know, 
Express such grief and real woe ; 
Have you some treasure really lost, 
That you're thus vex'd and thus crossM— • 
Are not your children always near, 
Am I not to you still most dear ; 

o o 



298 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

What good would riches be to us, 

We have plenty, we've enough ; 

We are 1 think, most truly bless'd, 

Below envy above distress ; 

He kindly added to our store, 

We have no right to hope for more ; 

How oft have you in melting tone, v 

Said you lived for me alone, C 

Nor car'd if riches you had none ; ) 

Can my wife then fickle be, 

Or does she find a change in me ; 

With you a place so desart, wild, 

Would palace be if you but smil'd ; 

Now to increase our love and joy, 

We're bless'd with darling girls and boy, 

Let not weak care our hearts annoy. 

She wiped her eye, she dash'd a tear, 
William you know you are most dear ; 
»Tis only for my childrens' sake, 
That thus my foolish heart doth ache. 

Bounty. 
As for your children never fear, 
Depend they'll have a proper share ; 
A providence so wise and kind, 
Wont suffer them in want to pine, 
If we give them proper turn of mind ; 
My fehl. is strong, I have no doubt, 
Each has a portion lotted out ; 
In your own family behold, 
Instance of what I've just now told 



S 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 299 

Your eldest sister's lucky fate, ^ 

You are equally as fortunate, > 

Tho' perhaps not quite so great ; 
Your brothers are all provided for, 
Some in the Church and some in Law ; 
Excepting one who serves his King, 
And that is quite as good a thing; 
Your sisters so beautiful and young, 
Have worthy admirers every one ; 
I make no doubt our children too, 
Every one of them will do- 
That is as I just now did say, 
We bring them up in proper way ; 
If we a good example shew, \ 

By them our duty strictly do, > 

In acting honest, just and true ; * 

Such conduct will a fortune be> 
To our children, if 1 rightly see: 
For characters that do stand fair, 
Ever was and much respected are ; 

And 1 think very far will go, 

Both with the highest and the low ; 

And virtue will itself advance, 

Much better than good luck or chance ; 

1 never thought to find in you, 

Such idle and ambitious view ; 

And soon, I'm sure,your own good sense, 

Will banish such silly phantoms hence. 
Mrs. Bounty. 

William, William, no more say, v 

It is all gone, all passed away, 
2oo 



300 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

Evanescent, as light, as soon 
As the bright cloud o'er ^yonder moon ; 
And I am vex'd that I did grieve, 
No more I'll say if you forgive. 

Thus pass"d away this April shower, 
Reason did now exert her power ; 
The cloud dispersed, affections lay, 
Shone brighter and brighter every day, 
Dispell'd each care, each grief allaj'. 
Fidget's little plan too, did succeed, 
To speak the truth T must indeed; 
All in the town thought they did know, 
How his great fortune was to go ; 
And less and less respect I say, 
Some did shew him every day ; 
Presents no more were they sending, 
Or his sayings were commending ; 
But the Bountys did contrive, 
To keep their gratitude alive ; 
They altered not in their respect, 
Though a farthing they did not expect ? 
But Fidget kept things in his view, 
For every one he could see through. 

Oft 'tis said that temper, strife, 

Embitters the pleasures of this life ; 

And if no real evils come, 

We set to work and make some, 

For imagination's airy wing, 

Oft causes quite as great a sting, 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 301 



As the solid fabrick, reason's power, 

Erected in a wiser hour ; 

Does not imagination's ray, 

Gild with pleasure many a day ; 

'Tis true it darkens oft the storm, 

And makes each prospect more forlorn ; 

But from its touch still doth flow, 

Joys that do more radiant glow; 

Yet its sensibilities are keen, 

When mists obscure its ardent beam ; 

Thus felt the younger Mrs. B. 

For a warm and lively mind had she ; 

Pleased with her vision, bright and gay, 

Was griev'd to see it fade away, 

Though reason said it cannot stay ; 

Her life more sweets than gall had none, 

In general her sun unclouded shone, 

Which doubled grief when it did come ; 

She had the hard task to learn, 

With grateful patience to discern, 

What really the goods of life are made on, 

To which we raise our expectation ; 

That in riches no real pleasure lies, 

So say the learned and the wise — 

That they by them are understood, 

To be a specious, not real good ; 

And that prosperity has the power, 

Like monster it's self to devour ; 

To wise sayings she was not inclin'd, 

But on riches turn'd her mind ; 

Thought wealth was such a charming thing, 

And every other joy would bring ; 



802 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

"Was much too gay to moralize, 
And only saw with dazzl'd eyes ; 
Still with her lot she was content, 
And knew that much to her was sent ; 
But long and sweet had been the plan, 
That her son would be a gentleman ; 
He bless'd with Fidget's overgrown store, 
They none need ever hope for more ; 
Mov'd by her husband's argument, 
Her mind did take another bent, 
Yet could not altogether check, 
Her bitter feelings of regret ; 
I know, said she, 'tis silly, vain, 
But every thing appeared so plain ; 
But there, said she, and wiped her eye, 
I must like Mrs. Bounty try, 
My foolish feelings to repress, 
And trust that all is for the best ; 
It may be better after all, 
That he should have some learned call— — 
At the bar or church he may shine, 
I should like him to be a great divine; 
Yes, he shall have an education, 
To fit him for the highest station. 

And when Bounty did come in, 
To open her plan she did begin , 
But here again she met rebuff, 
The child, said he, is young enough ; 
Now long the argument did run, 
That he could not be too young ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 303 

But Bounty, tho* kindest of the kind, 

Bad a firm and manly mind ; 

He in general had the skiil, 

Mildly to turn her to his will; 

And in every trifling thing. 

His rule was always to give in ; 

Then he laughingly would say. 

You know you always have your way ; 

She then quickly would reply, 

If you don't wish it more will I — 

And with truth 1 must declare, 

There could not be a happier pair : 

But now he found her feelings high, \ 

And that she would not be put by, > 

He call'd in an auxiliary. J 

Mr. Fidget's a man of judgment strong, 

Can argue 'bout the right and wrong ; 

Let us hear what he will say, ^ 

Then turn'd her thoughts another way, > 

And with the children 'gap to play. J 

But the next day they made a call, 
On Mr. Fidget at the Hall ; 
Mrs. B. so eager with her plan, 
She scon to open thus began. 

Mrs. Bounty. 
Can Mr. Fidget believe me, 
William and 1 cannot agree ; 
I wish my son to go to school, 
But the gentlemen must rule ; 
And he don't approve my plan, 
Did you think him such a man. 



304 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

Each then related their own case, 
Fidget replied with a grave face. 

Fidget. 
Did you indeed never hear, 
How dangerous 'tis to interfere, 
In the affairs of man and wife, 
When a third tries to end the strife— 
That on the umpire both do fall. 
And he is treated worse than all. 

They both laugh'd and thus replied, 
By your opinion we'll abide. 
Fidget. 
The rage I know is education, 
With every one within the nation ; 
It may perhaps be right and fair, 
But what Tve thought I will declare ; 
We must behold with wondering eyes, 
Next generation learned, wise ; 
Such accomplishments are all the plan, 
All ladies will be or gentleman ; 
This good or bad I cannot say, 
Most likely I shan't see the day, 
When common folks are done away; 
All must study their own ease, 
And act you know as they best please ; 
A man told me the other day, 
Fur one child only he did pay, 
Five hundred pounds or more it cost him, 
Bles me, said I, 'twas quite a fortune ; 
In my young days a man it made, 
And would have set him up in trade ; 



I 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 305 

And now said he, can you believe, 
My trouble much you must conceive ; 
Not a single thing will he do, 
But dress and lounge, and idle too ; 
I thought my business he would prop, 
But he says he can't abide a shop ; 
Now were children ever mine, 
I would follow the old line, 
And try and fit them for that spherej 
Where fortune meant them to appear ; 
And not hundreds throw away, 
In useless learning, dance and play ; 
For I have heard that the account, 
Quite to a fortune does amount ; 
And I have heard, it mayn't be true, 
More than three months deducted too ; 
For holidays and recreation, 
At schools in the higher station ; 
It was not so when 1 was young, 
Such things were never thought upon ; 
Three weeks a month at the most, 
Was all the holiday I could boast ; 
My father's expense for me 'tis clear, 
Was only twenty pounds per year : 
Now in this enlightened day, 
Seventy or eighty will not pay ; 
And years and years to school they go, 
So clever all must be you know ; 
Two years my father thought enough, 
To fill my mind with learned stuflf; 
And that only at a common school, 
To improve myself has been my ruJf ; 
p P 



306 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

I trust I know as much as many. 

Who have spent on learning a long penny ; 

My place in life 1 hope I fill, 

With justice, candour, and good will ; 

For learning on many is all lost> 

As some experience to their cost j 

While genius, like the lightning's glare, 

Will pierce through the misty air ; 

How often is it that we see, 

Father and son do not agree ; 

That a pious, worthy man and mild, 

Has a disobedient, wicked child ; 

Trace to the source, you'll find that they,' 

Early in life were sent away, 

Before love taught them to obey ; 

And every wish the young ones crave, 

They now permitted are to have ; 

No self denial they are taught, 

But this and that and t'other's bought; 

And when the holidays appear, 

They come home in their best gear ; 

With love the parental heart doth swell. 

And fancies every thing looks well ; 

While the young urchins do conceive, 

Great merit if they can deceive ; 

My children they should never go, 

Other's rigour or care to know ; 

I'd have them in my circle move, 

And make them fear and make them love ; 

To a good day-school they should go, 

Then f the right from wrong should know ; 

But every one will this attest, 

TIjiv do what they think is best; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 307 

Fd keep them under my own eye, 
And act the parent properly ; 
Each growing- ill I could repress, 
And study each temper with success ; 
And where I see their genius steer, 
To assist it would quite right appear ; 
For many a clever man is lost, 
Because his talents have been cross'd ; 
And the money saved by this plan, 
Would help to start him when a man ; 
All this I think that I would do, 
But let me not dictate to you ; 
And how can the tender mother spare, 
Her darlings from her charge and care, 
And in a stranger's hands to place, 
What should be her pride and grace ; 
Do not force nature from her rule, 
By sending them too young to school: 
Act in every thing with reason , 
Things are best depend in season ; 
Hot bed plants mature before their time, 
Wither oft and droop before their prime ; 
For nature to her own plan true, 
Gives only to each his proper due ; 
For I this truth have oft heard scan, 
A iorward boy makes a dull man ; 
All cannot by these rules abide, 
For circumstances still will guide ; 
But for your boy all this is done, 
Therefore let well enough alone. 

Mr. Fidget, I think you are right, 
Said Mrs. Bounty with delight; 
2 p p 



308 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR, 

1 do not think as yon do say, 
My children I could send away. 

Fidget. 
I'm sure you could not, at the Hall 
To-morrow, let me have them all ; 
The baby and all, let all come, 
I like to see their little fun- 
Such children I much like indeed, 
They are a fine and noble breed ; 
Such health and cheefulness they bring-, 
Shew they from virtuous parents spring ; 
So beautiful, so fresh and fair, 
They well deserve your love and care, 
To-morrow we'll have a day most rare. 

To this agreed, homeward they hied, 
And converse flowM sweet on either side ; 
Now little more have I to say, 
Save Fidget improved every day ; 
Each day some kind action did, 
Still for their faults each one he chid : 
And like the Roman Emperor too, 
Thought the day lost no good to do ; 
By firm, just conduct, he was found, 
Father and friend to all around, 
And long in comfort did abound ; 
For as great prudence was his plan, 
It help'd to lengthen out his span ; 
Though now generous with his store, 
Yet every day did bring in more ; 
And true it was, though very strange, 
The more he gave the more he gajn'd ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 309 

For this promise is from heaven, 

To the liberal soul much shall be given ; 

Still he did act his own accord, 

No one dared put in a word ; 

For was he ask'd for so or so, 

Was ever ready with bis " No !" 

Such conduct said he, will never do, 

I will not be dictated to : 

His humour known, folks took good heed, 

Not idly their wants to plead ; 

But his own wants were still so few, 

That much his riches on him grew ; 

My property increasing still, 

I must, said he, look at my will— 

Which has for many years laid by, 

I may make it better if I try ; 

Here it is, I'll look it through, 

And see if I more good can do. 

THE WILL. 
I give to Philahda Bounty, 
The most amiable woman in the county, 
My house that I do call the Hall, -v 

And all my lands that round it fall, % 

"With all my farms both great and small ; } 

A reward for her transcending merit, 

Her heirs for ever shall inherit; 

And my will is, that they call, 

The estate in future Bounty Hall ; 

That Hospitality may abound, 

I leave her twenty thousand pound ; 

Twenty thousand more I do bequeath, 

To Frederick Macdonald do it leave ; 



310 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR., 

In this my will 'tis ordered so, 

To his children equal it shall go ; 

For 1 hate that unjust spirit, 

To enrich some and some disherit ; 

It cannot be either just and good, 

Difference to make in the same blood ; 

Children in a parent's heart, 

Must ever claim an equal part ; 

Except in cases where 'tis clear, 

Rank or titles interfere ; 

But in the common walk of life, 

All I say should share alike; 

To the K— t hospital so renown'd y 

That blessing is to all around, 

I likewise leave a thousand pound £ 

Some more in legacies shall go, 

To the Frendlys, Betty, so and sa ; 

Trustem executor shall be, 

And my residue legatee ; 

They'll use it well, I do believe it— 

This the last will of Samuel Fidget. 

No alteration will I make, 
Excepting for the Frendlys'' sake ; 
To them I leave a separate sum, 
For the kindness by their father done 
To me in early life, and they, 
By threefold kindness I'll repay ; 
The Bounty family now so large, 
Must be my more peculiar charge ; 
So doing, he seaPd it as before, 
And laid it with his other store ; 
For Mrs. Bounty or her son, 
To explain why so and so he'd done ; 



THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 311 

This memorandum he put by, 
When on my will you cast an eye ; 
Had you certain known to be my heir, 
In business perhaps would not take care ; 
Have given your children notions high, 
Expecting such great property ; 
As none can tell what ma}' befal, 
1 might have baulk'd you after all ; 
Had I then chang'd my mind, 
Great disappointment you would find; 
Unexpected now it doth appear, 
Double joy and pleasure in the rear ; 
I trust you'll find till life doth end, 
That every way Tve been your friend; 

Trustem once more I must name, \ 

Who after much vexatious pain, > 

Redress for ill usuage did obtain ; J 

And a good lesson too he bought, 

Which by experience dear was taugkt ; 

Never to trust th^ specious tongue, 

Though fine promise on it hung ; 

And for the future found it right, 

Agreements to have in black and write ; 

He judging by his own good mind, 

Thought honor and truth in all to find ; 

The Frendlys too I must declare, 

Ow'd much to Fidget's kindness, care ; 

Their idle habits he,restrain*d, 

They peace and comfort by it gain'-d; 

CONCLUSION. 
You that graciously do lend, 
Your patience to read to the end ; 



312 THE RICH OLD BACHELOR. 

If my humble strains have caus'd a smile, 

Or an idle hour they have beguiled ; 

If they have chased away dull pain, 

I feel that I've not wrote in vain ; 

My wish is virtue to diffuse, 

While innocently I amuse ; 

Plain, common sense has been my only aim, 

That rules of life my children they might gain, 

That maxims good dress' d out in fictious guise, 

Might steal their hearts while they did catch their eyes • 

Should they e'er know a parent's care, 

What 1 now feel will be their share ; 

Only a parent a parent's heart can tell, \ 

But no more must I my volume swell, r 

Children and reader fare you well. s 




[The Publisher is extremely sorry to observe many 
errors in the Work now offered to the public, which 
are oiving in great measure, that the distance pre- 
vented a Second Proof being sent for inspection."} 




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Treatment Date: March 2009 




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